Here I stand

Well this seems strange. Writing for myself.  I used to write but it wasn’t really just for me. It was a strange way of communication with somebody else. You can’t really send long messages to people about your thoughts and feelings very often but in blog form it was like our own world. I would say what I felt like saying knowing it would be read by this person so my thoughts and feelings would be shared. And they’d do the same for me. I didn’t care what anybody else thought. It was just us two, our little thing. Even though we didn’t see much of each other in the physical world, we still knew more about each other than anybody else.

But that was then and this is now. She’s not going to read this. And though I know that I am actually alone in my writing this time it can still serve the purpose that I originally intended which is to document my life so I can read back on thoughts from the past and remember what life was like then. Our memories are flawed but if we record snippets of our lives in blogs then they are stored forever and can always be recalled. That’s what I used to do and I’ve missed it. A lot has happened in the past couple of years but it’s gone by so fast and I barely remember it. I would love to know what thoughts I’ve had during all this time and how I’d planned to deal with certain obstacles and from now on I will know again. I also used to find that when I had problems and I wrote about them I’d often find my own solutions in my writing and would then feel better. It’s a great technique.

Life is what you make it. And right now my life can be anything. That should be a positive thing but it could also go wrong so it scares me too. I’m 24 years old now. School is a distant memory. All that promise that I had is fading into nothing. I’m working in the kitchen of a busy pub restaurant at the moment. The money is shit. The hours are shit. The job is shit. I hate it and I will not be staying there. Just getting through another few months will be difficult. But it can be flexible. I need a couple of weeks off to do an intensive driving course (finally at the age of 24 I’ve decided I would like to learn this skill) and I can get the time off. I want to go to a festival this year, it can be done. But still, I need to do something different. A boring 9-5 office job would be very nice for a while.

I’m contemplating going into teaching. I have a degree in Maths. Don’t know what the hell to do with it now though. But teaching is a good career and there are plenty of advantages. I never imagined I’d be a teacher and I am short on patience these days so it would be a challenge for me. But I have to do something. I need to move away and this is a route back to a uni and back to a good city where I can have student accommodation. Then I can stay there when the course ends even if I decided against the career. It’s better than aimlessly wondering through life with no goals. If there’s no dream job for me then why not just do anything? So long as it pays the bills and lets me live comfortably does it matter? All jobs suck, that’s why we get paid to do them. When it comes to jobs there are three things to consider: enjoyment, how much it pays and whether it’s legal. I read somewhere that you can only have two out of three. Sounds about right. And at least teaching is legal and pays fairly well.

There are so many other things that are bothering me right now. I have anger problems, I drink too much, I lack motivation (sometimes can’t face leaving the house or seeing other people), I feel like life is passing me by, I miss friends that have moved away, I’m sick of sleeping on my Mum’s sofa, I’m dreading possibly seeing a certain person again (I’m going to try to avoid it), I feel like I’m on the outside looking in (people are getting married and having kids all over the place and there’s no girl that I even want anything to happen with right now), everything is so goddamn uncertain. I guess that’s the beauty of life. I don’t want everything mapped out in front of me. But I don’t want things to be the way they are right now either. I want things to change. And I know only I can change and get the things I want, it’s not going to fall easy for me. This is the challenge. Am I ready to tackle these problems? I don’t know. I have a few days off work now and currently I plan to start revising for my driving theory test and then book it. I also plan to read a bit (currently Without Fail by Lee Child), watch more of The Wire (on season 3 now, love that shit) and go and have a three course meal for our staff Christmas party (a few weeks late and our first one in two years but oh well). Other than that I hope I at least attempt to finish my application form for the PGCE course and maybe look for some other jobs. But I fully expect that when I next go to work on Thursday 13th January 2011 I will be in the same position as I am now. Same shit running through my head, same frustrations, same anxiety about everything. But fuck it. Things will change if I want them to eventually.

If you read this, thanks for listening.

Darren x

About dazz22

I’m a dude from England and I’m just your average screw up of a human being
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