At times love is more simple than anything in the world and yet sometimes it is so ridiculously complicated. My experience with it is very important to me. But it’s also insignificant and not very pleasant. So my overall feelings about the emotion we call love is that basically I wish that it didn’t exist.
But what the hell is love? It is a word with a meaning. And it’s exact meaning can depend on what you think it should mean. Maybe some people get on so well with others and are also attracted to them and call that love. Maybe sometimes you stay with someone out of convenience and by putting up with them believe that you must love them. Maybe you believe loving someone is just the same as liking somebody a lot. Or maybe films and songs are right and it’s something so explosive that you have no control over it and you would do anything for it like it’s a drug.
For me it is huge. It has changed me forever. I’ve loved one person and don’t think it’s possible that I can love again. I just doubt I have it in me and doubt anybody else can compare in my eyes. This isn’t some recent shit that is having an affect on me because it’s recent. I’m quite a rational person and I’m not saying this because right now I feel it when there may be a possibilty that it’s an over reaction. I haven’t seen this One Love for two and a half years now. We barely speak and I completely hate her. I consider her to be my worst enemy and I’m sure it’s in my best interests if we never meet again. But how often do I think of her? Every day? Try every hour, possibly every few minutes. Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about things. I always wonder how she is. I miss her so much it kills me. I feel like life doesn’t mean a whole lot without her in it. Even now if the whole world were about to die apart from me and one other person I would save her.
It’s stupid. Love is fucking ridiculous. I understand that it is chemicals in the brain. Underneath it all I just like her characteristics and my brain has decided that she would be somebody ideal to have kids with. And this decision that has been taken by myself without me having any say in it means that certain chemicals are released into my brain relating to her. And these chemicals are like a drug that I need more of. And these chemicals will make me do crazy things. And it’s all me; they’re my chemicals in my brain. So it’s stupid and if I tell myself to forget about it knowing what I know about love and after all the heartache than I should be able to do it. But I can’t. I love her. Always have. Always will. And if it’s chemicals and illogical it makes no difference whatsoever. I would forgive her for everything. I would drop everything for her. As much as I pretend I can get through this I don’t really think I can. And that is why life isn’t that great at the moment.
I can be strong and I can carry on through the day to day bullshit that we go through. I can have fun and I still have ambitions. There’s a lot to live for. This is just something I have to live with. I thought the main thing was to come to terms with the situation and forget about it and move on but I’ve realised that is impossible for me. Now I know that I just have to deal with it as best as I can on a day to day basis. It will never go away. And part of me doesn’t want it to. Some people never love at all. At least I’ve had a taste of that awesome fairytale even if it did destroy me.
That’s it for now but I expect to write more on this at some point. Thanks for reading.
And if somehow that One Love read this then all I want you to know is that nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. You’re a memory and a dream. I’m as happy as I’m ever going to be about how things are and that’s as good as it gets.