Restless

Hello randomers of the internet. I am so tense right now and this is such a crucial time for me. And whenever a time comes where I need to be fully focused on one thing my brain seems to want to open up every other unsolved problem in my mind all at the same time.

It’s 1:57 am on Saturday morning. And this coming Wednesday (13th April) I have an interview at Liverpool Hope University for the secondary Maths PGCE. I finished my degree way back in June 2008 and since then I’ve almost drank myself to death to cope with certain things, I’ve worked full time as a chef and I’ve travelled round Thailand and Australia. I’ve also talked a hell of a lot about the fact that I won’t be living in the midlands forever and at some point I’ll go back to Liverpool and I won’t be working in this dead end job forever and at some point I’ll have some kind of career. Well this is it. I feel like Eminem in 8 Mile when he’s heading to the rap battles. “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo”. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. If I don’t get in at Hope, then I have my second choice which is also in Liverpool. Then I have Warrick and Birmingham and then if needed I could go through clearing to anywhere in the UK that still has places. So it’s not the be all and end all. But it feels like it. And my mind is not being very co-operative for this crucial period of time.

I have a tick list of things I need to do before the interview. Photocopy certain documents, find passport, book train tickets, book hostel as I need to go up the night before, buy new shirt, cut hair, prepare 5 minute presentation and think up answers to some of the potential questions I’ll be asked. I’ve sorted it all except the really important parts. Prepare presentation and prepare for the interview. I’ll also have to do a written test but I’m sure I’ll be fine there. I’m probably a better writer than a lot of Maths graduates that are applying. I am getting a bit nervous now about the interview though. I’m scared that I’ll forget all the cool things I’ve thought of to say when the time comes. I’m afraid of choking like Em does when he’s on stage in 8 Mile lol. From what I’ve heard Maths applicants are in such demand that not only are we offered all kinds of incentives to apply but as long as we have a pulse and are not totally stupid we should be able to get on a course. This sounds good but you can never be sure. What if loads more people have applied like I have because of the incentives? And what if the fact I couldn’t get into any school to observe lessons means that I miss out? What am I going to do with myself if I don’t get on this course? Stay here? Forever? Work in a kitchen forever? Become a proper alcoholic?

The thought doesn’t bare thinking about. I need to live in a cool city like Liverpool as it’s so dull around here. I need a career. I need a challenge. I need a good salary. I need to feel like I’ve achieved something with my life. And if Liverpool Hope have me then that is my golden ticket away from here. Back to an awesome city with some awesome people. And though it will be very hard work, I will be doing something worthwhile and earning good money for the first time.

But another scary thought (this is where my brain is a pain in the arse) is what if I do get onto the course? Then that means I can no longer be the care free individual that I am now. I will have to get motivated. I’ll have things to sort out. Funding, accommodation, a van to take my stuff back up there. I’ll also need to learn to drive since I’ll need a car as soon as I’ve finished the course so I can drive to work. Can’t be relying on trains at 7:30 in the morning forever. And also I still don’t even know if I can teach. I have almost no experience of it. I’ve agreed to tutor somebody at work’s daughter so she can get a C in her Maths GCSE as she needs it for uni. And so I’ve been looking over the syllabus again and thinking of ways to explain it all. The content of GCSE Maths is so ridiculously simple to me. I don’t mean to be cocky because it’s actually a problem. How do you explain things that seem obvious in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re trying to be a know it all? It’s actually not easy to do. And then there is my temper to consider. My temper is a real problem these days. The smallest of things can cause me to become completely irrational. And I can get nasty. If a class full of kids starts getting to me, how will I respond? I have to remain calm and professional. My natural response would get me sacked for sure. So I need to get control of my emotions quickly. Can I do this? And also am I even confident enough to be able to stand in front of a bunch of kids (who most likely will not give a shit about Maths) and explain things to them? I’ve always been better in a one to one situation. I’m not too good in a group, I tend to fade into the background due to confidence issues. So I need to sort that out too. Overall I’m very uncertain that I’ll make a good teacher. These are things I’ll find out as I go but why am I worrying about them now? I have to get through the interview before any of it matters anyway.

And so today on a day off from work things started well. I got up and started looking over typical questions that are asked in these interviews and I thought up some cool answers with help from t’internet. And then I was paid a visit by my old friend Procrastination. I went to the shop, I read some comics, I played some games, read all the news in the world, listened to all kinds of music, researched critically acclaimed films, spent half an hour choosing what pizza to order off the internet, drank beer…I just generally pissed around all day. But I’ve been up and down like a yo yo and I know this is how I am responding to the nerves and the pressure. I’m trying to find anything to take my mind off it all. When I know all I need to do is relax, be confident and well prepared and it should be fine. Everything will work out in the end. I hope. If you read this, wish me luck yeah? Ta very much x

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About dazz22

I’m a dude from England and I’m just your average screw up of a human being
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