The puzzle of life

Incredibly it has been more than a quarter of a year since I last wrote a blog here. And so much has changed in that time. I’ve had very limited internet access during this time and on many occasions I have felt the need to write about what is going on in my head. So it’s been frustrating. And now here I am with so many thoughts about what to write that I’m almost paralysed by too many words.

Last time I wrote I was getting ready for a PGCE interview. Wow, that seems like a different life now. The interview sucked. I wasn’t very prepared and it showed that I had no real passion for teaching I guess. Probably didn’t help that the night before I couldn’t resist a good few beers with some mates since it was my first time back in Liverpool in nearly three years. Immediately after the interview and the lecture on what the course would be like I knew I would never be a teacher. It was only one interview out of a possible four but I knew I would most likely get rejected and I wouldn’t be going to any of the interviews for my other choices. It was a stupid idea for me to go for it. If I was heading onto a course in September I would be dreading it. I could still get on a course as my application is still being processed by my other choices and they’re giving me interviews but I’m not even following it now. As far as careers go, I’m on square one again.

So that stressed me out. And probably lead to a big event in life. A couple of weeks after that interview I went on an all day drinking session with a good mate. Now I know I have mentioned my anger problems before but I don’t want anybody to think alcohol makes me angry and violent. It actually does the opposite for me, it allows me to chill out. But everyday I seem to struggle with keeping a lid on this rage I have and sometimes when I’ve been drinking I find it harder to keep my emotions under control. So it doesn’t cause it but it stops me from controlling it. Anyway, my Mum had also been out all day drinking with my sisters and for various reasons when she got back home (I was back before her) I went crazy. “Psychotic” as my Mum put it. We had a huge row with apparently my sister hiding from me. My Mum isn’t blameless here, she said some pretty hurtful things to me. That just fueled the fire though. I don’t want to go into details but I know I crossed the line and it scares me when I think what I’m capable of when I get like that. My Mum was adamant she wanted me out of the house forever. The next day I had to go to work all day. My sister informed me that day that even though my Mum had slept on it and was now sober she didn’t want me to go back there, I was homeless.

It was a difficult day for me being stuck at work (and I hate this dead end job) not knowing where I would go that night. It’s one of those times where you have to swallow your pride and be humble. I phoned my Nan from work, explained the situation and asked if I could crash at hers for the night. I hated doing this because I don’t ever call her or text her or visit her and now when I need help I am asking her. It was hard. But she is an amazing person and said I could stay and she could pick me up within the hour. I didn’t finish work for three hours but I told them I was going and then just left. I didn’t care much at that point.

For the next couple of weeks I stayed at my Nan’s boyfriend’s house in Rugeley since it was closer to work for me. They helped me look in agencies and papers for a flat and after viewing a few places and waiting for various credit checks to be done (this was a crazy time which included a stag night in Amsterdam and so much beer I thought I might have actually fucked my liver up for real) I was told just before going into my driving theory test (which I passed, yay!) that I had a moving date. So there it was, I was moving back to Rugeley and not Liverpool. Here I am today in my flat which finally has the internet set up. And I’m loving being my own person in my own flat where I can do what I want. My Mum was easy going but it was a small house and we had a lot of rows. It’s peaceful here. I can drink loads and throw the cans all over the place and clean up whenever I feel like it without being nagged. I can actually relax here. My friends are here and for now I work here so it’s ideal.

But still, I’m quite unhappy. Mostly with work. I have to put in the hours now to afford the flat and bills. But I’m wasted there and everyone knows it. Now I have the internet though I’ll be able to look for jobs. All I want is a bit more money and normal working hours. 9-5, Monday to Friday. I’ll do anything for now. I know I have the determination, ambition and intellect to work my way up through any company. As soon as I have a new job I’ll be happier.

There’s absolutely loads I could write about but I guess I can write these thoughts anytime I like now. I have two cool films that have just downloaded so going to go watch one in a minute. Just a small bit to add though. I had a quick browse of my last couple of posts and it was interesting to see what I’d wrote about that poem (if it can be called that) I am writing. Today was the first day in a few weeks I’d added more to it. It is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever wrote. It’s one big complicated puzzle. But it doesn’t feel like I’m creating it. It’s more like I’m slowly discovering how it’s supposed to go. So though it’s a struggle I remain confident that one day it will be done and it may be the best thing I ever write in my life. But at times I do over think it. And parts of it are not good enough so are being scrapped. The difficulty lies in the complex internal rhyme schemes I have to stick to for me to be happy with it. If ever I slip into basic rhyming I just cross it out. If it seems like somebody else could have wrote this then it simply isn’t good enough. Some of what I’m writing may seem to somebody else to be quite good but it has to be far more than that. It’s like that for a few reasons. Firstly I’m just competing with myself. Secondly I’m writing about the thing that has impacted my life more than anything, something that will always be with me and is the reason I am who I am today. It has to be good enough to convey what I feel about it all. It needs to be completed this year. It’s the kind of writing that would define me if I were to die in the near future. I know that’s a shitty thing to say but I sometimes imagine that if I were dead then these things I write would give them a better understanding of me and for that I will partly live on. It sounds ridiculous but there it is. People spend ages doing crossword puzzles and sudoku puzzles and what does that achieve? Not much other than the challenge. I like to challenge myself with this. I hope to have enough spare time and inspiration in the coming weeks to finish it. It’s only one poem/rap thing but I have pages of notes for it. All in the wrong order and only half of it is maybe of a good enough standard. It will take ages to link it all together and fill in the gaps. It is a fucking huge puzzle.

Anyway, that’s it I think. Talk to you next time. Peace x

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About dazz22

I’m a dude from England and I’m just your average screw up of a human being
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