Well my poem/rap/story/most epic thing I’ll ever write is very nearly done. And I have mixed feelings about it as I now know what it has ended up being like. It has taken me a period of 18 months or more to write. Though this hasn’t been continuous at all. There were months and months at a time where I didn’t or couldn’t write anything. There a quite a few scraps of paper with random lyrics wrote on it scattered around the flat. A lot made it into the poem and a lot didn’t make it. It is so far comfortably over 3000 words long and will probably pass the 3500 mark. So it’s hard to call a poem. I had a lot to say but I tried to make it quality and quantity. Obviously that is quite difficult to do. I’ve put a lot of thought into it. So what do I think of it now and will I show it to people?
Firstly it is the best thing I’ve ever wrote and probably ever will write. And it feels good getting a lot of this off my chest in the way that I have. It’s like a tribute to it all and now can never be lost. I’m proud of it. If it wasn’t so personal to me I would have no problem letting anybody read it. But obviously it is very personal and it is difficult for me as a person that usually hides his true feelings to share so much with people. Therefore not everybody can read it. Some may take it the wrong way and think I have some kind of obsession. It’s not the case though, it’s just something that meant a lot to me and I like writing things like this. Some may think it is strange to put so much time into something which ultimately is just a piece of writing. I suppose it’s similar to when people spend hours on a painting with no plans to make any money out of it. This is my painting. I try to paint a picture in your mind with words. I suppose it’s also a bit abnormal to be so…I don’t want to sound cocky and use the word good….erm….to be so ok at rhyming lol. Like what kind of freak writes a story and rhymes it like the way I have? I’m a fan of hip hop and that lead me to really appreciate rhyming. The more complex the better. And through practise over the years I have developed a bit of a talent for it I guess. It’s strange for me to be defending that but normally people are good at things that are useful to them in some way. I suppose this is useful to me. In fact it’s strange that I’m defending what I’ve wrote before anybody has read it. But if somebody were to say it was shit it would hurt a bit. I suppose I wouldn’t believe them if they said it as I have faith in it. And also any kind of constructive criticism probably wouldn’t work for me. Much of the content had to be the way it was. I had this planned out before I did it and I have carried out the idea exactly as I intended. It is what it is.
But I am afraid of what people might say about it. Saying it isn’t very good or saying it is a bit freakish would be an attack of my true character I guess and I would take offence. But why write it if not to share? Therefore my next post on here will be the poem. Any random person on the internet could stumble upon it and read it and comment on it. Scary lol. But I don’t have much of a following on here. So I guess I’ll put it on facebook where all my friends are. But I’ll have to block a lot of people from reading it. I reckon there may only be 20 or so people I let read it on there. And then there is the other person I wrote this for (other than myself). I could leave it up to chance that she ever reads it. If she stumbled on it one day I imagine it would have quite an impact. Not that I’m looking for an impact. She may never read it. And that would be slightly sad as this is a goodbye I guess since we never really had one. Or I could send it to her. But if I did that I would have to tell her not to reply and she might think it’s strange that I’ve wrote a huge poem, sent it to her and then asked for no reply. Like, why would anybody want to do that? I don’t even know. All I know is I want her to have this piece of writing as the last thing that’s ever said between us. This is the fullstop to all the bullshit. And it’s a tribute to the past that we share.
Anyway, next time it will be here. Come down the rabbit hole with me and look inside Pandora’s Box