This blog will have no real direction and in the same way neither does my life right now. In fact it never has done. I have no idea where I want to be and time seems to be racing away from me. Scary and depressing.
During an average week for me each day falls into one of two categories. Either I have work or I don’t. If I have work then that takes up most of the day if not all of it. And other than work I may get to watch an episode or two of whatever programme I’m watching at the time (currently The Sopranos). Work is stressful and tiring but at times it can be alright as I can have a laugh with people there. However long term it is definitely not where I want to be. Though I’ve been there for years already.
If I don’t have work (2 or 3 days out of 7 usually) then this is partly relaxing and partly even more stressful than a work day. I feel like I should enjoy days off but I also feel like I need to get things done. So on a day off I want to do job searches and think about careers, I want to tidy up the flat, I want to work out, I need to do food shopping, I need to do washing, I want to go out for drinks with people, I want to read books, I want to watch films, I want to play poker, I want to do everything. And it paralyses me. In the end I usually do some washing, buy some food, watch The Sopranos and get drunk. And that’s two days pissed away until I’m back at work in the blink of an eye. It’s frustrating.
At times I think I just lack motivation and need to chill out and not put so much pressure on myself. Other times I feel like I need to be doing more and I’m deluding myself into believing I’m actually trying when most of what I do is procrastination. Sometimes I think the main thing I need is to meet someone special and that will make me happy as everything else is less important. I don’t know what I need. I just know that I need change. I need it so much that I actually love it when things go wrong just because it’s more interesting than mundane everyday life right now.
In other news I’m thinking of buying a Kindle. But I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it is a bit ridiculous. I can borrow books for free off friends and I can buy paperbacks cheap off Amazon and lend them to others. I can also buy Kindle books for my iPhone which does the same job as a Kindle. So why do I feel the need to buy a device to use as an e-reader? I totally don’t need one at all. But I think I’ll probably end up buying one eventually. It’s the dumbest purchase of all time but one that I need to make for some reason.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how us men act around attractive girls. If you sit back and look at the way we are it is kind of stupid. Whenever this one particular girl is around at the moment every guy looks to try and get in a conversation and make her laugh and show interest and build a rapport. We all know what we’re doing and so must she. It’s strange. Some girls just have this effect on us and we are powerless to resist. Every guy desires these girls and many of them will screw others over to make themselves look cool in front of them. I don’t exclude myself at all. And I don’t know what my point is. It’s just an observation. Put a beautiful girl in the centre of a pack of dudes and we are like vultures at times. Thousands of years ago there would have just been a huge scrap and the winner would get the girl. But in these civilised times it is not acceptable to behave in such a way so it becomes like a big game of chess. Little moves being made by pawns not worthy of the Queen. All behind the King’s back. Until the Queen blows out the dreams of all the little pawns and screws the King over by running off with a dick swinging knight in shining armour. It’s best to just not play the game.
Peace and love