Well what to write? I’ve had so much going on in my head for the past few weeks that I don’t know where to begin or what to include in this blog. There have been a few changes and a few realisations that nothing much has actually changed in the grand scheme of things.
Firstly my Mum and one of my sisters have moved away to Liverpool. I don’t know what it is about that city that attracts me and my family but it is the second time they’ve moved there. My other sister has a job round here so has moved into my flat. It is taking some getting used to for me as I have lived on my own for about 16 months. And the cat that has moved in along with her is an annoying little bastard. It has the loudest meow ever since it is deaf and whenever it wants anything (food, water, to be let out, to be let in, general neediness) it just meows and meows and meows. Little motherfucker.
My job is getting harder to deal with too. As time goes by I realise how wasted I am there. I feel 5 steps ahead of everyone all of the time and it gets so boring. I also feel like I have to carry the team at times since they are weak. I do this knowing I get the same money as they do. So why should I? And all this talk of Christmas is getting me down. I don’t want to work over Christmas, I want to enjoy it. Someday some other kind of job has to materialise for me surely.
And then there is the other thing. A thing I have been dreading for the past few years has actually gone and happened. And it happened in the most surprising way. I haven’t been keeping up to date on what has been going on regarding this situation because I refuse to allow it to affect me. But it surprised the shit out of me when I was buying a sandwich and of all the people on God’s green Earth to be in the same place at that particular time was the person-that-shall-not-be-named.
It is something that had to happen at some point. And since then I am quite proud at how little it has affected me. Though I can’t rule out at some point having some kind of relapse so far it has been ok for me. I had decided in my head quite a while ago that this person-that-shall-not-be-named will never be a part of my life again. Things are just beyond repair. With every fibre of my being I am certain that this whole situation is wrong on so many levels but I am ok with this now. Whereas before I wasn’t. I wanted to change things. It’s similar to wanting to change a Christian’s mind about the existence of God. After a while of debating it you just realise that they are so blind and stupid to everything that there is no point at all in debating anything. You just let them go and sort of feel sorry for how their mind has been sentenced to a life in prison to this stupid nonsense. This situation is like that. Some paths of life are set in stone once you go past the point of no return. It sucks but at least things can’t impact me much anymore. I am quite selfish when it comes to this. I want to be oblivious to everything. I have too much going on right now to be going around giving a shit what other daft people are doing.
Commitment is such an issue for me at the moment. I literally cannot commit to anything. Others around me do not seem to struggle so much. They are much more easily pleased than I am. People can just commit to each other and trust that things will always be cool and there’s nothing else in life they will need. I feel like nothing will ever be enough for me. With every girl I ever meet I know that I could not be in a relationship with them. Except recently there is perhaps one. There are so many obstacles that it probably isn’t worth the hassle. But whenever she is around she puts a smile on my face. And maybe that’s all we really need. Who needs the complications of love and potential heartbreak when you can substitute that with fun and laughter?
So my to-do list for the immediate future is the same as it has been for the last couple of months. Find a new job (even if it involves a paycut) before Christmas, get back to the weight lifting and have a shitload of fun. Also I’m starting to feel like I could write a new rap/poem thing. Lyrics keep popping up and I have to keep writing them down. A theme is even forming in my mind. This is how they always begin and after a few months sometimes I just wake up and know what I need to write. The rhymes are all there like a gift from an all powerful God. We’ll see how it goes since I feel like the next one will be me against Him in a battle for people’s minds lol.
Until next time sports fans, peace xx