Time is going by so fast. Already I find myself 26 years old and days are just evaporating before me. And right now I feel so goddamn empty. Normal everyday tasks are becoming difficult because I think I’m kind of depressed. I don’t want to be that way but it is what it is. I have to get these thoughts down and they probably won’t come in a good order and it won’t be written well. I just need this therapy from writing.
A strange thing has happened to me that I’m sure is due to my past. I feel alone most of the time and yet it’s my own choice to be that way. I’m keeping away from people at times and keeping a lot of things bottled up.
We all want to be in love. But my love fucked me up. I think it’s only recently that I can honestly say I’m over it. But it has taken a long time and things have changed so much while I’ve been trying to get my shit together. I’m at the point though where I miss that love. I miss caring about somebody that much and without it everything seems empty and pointless. Why bother tidying up? Why bother trying to sort out a career? None of it matters really unless you have some kind of connection with somebody and somebody to share everything with. But finding somebody is difficult when you work unsociable hours as I do and is extra difficult when you find yourself wanting to be alone and seeking solace. It’s like I want it but at the same time it scares the shit out of me.
It doesn’t help when you see others all loved up and happy. Especially when they do not deserve it. Some people seem to just go around being a total dick to everybody they come across and yet have someone who loves them. They’re not even interesting in the slightest and yet have everything I want. It’s hard. If there was a God I’d wonder what I’d done to piss him off. Nothing I do works. It’s like no matter how well I do or how hard I try I’m literally never wanted by anything or anyone. Everyone can laugh at my jokes and then after work they all go home to their lives and I’ve got nothing to do except drink more on my jack jones. Whenever there is some kind of night out I’m there in the thick of it. But parties end and then I’m lost again. People used to like to talk to me about their problems cause I was a good listener. But now I suppose I’ve been more distant with everybody and people need me less. The only friends that I have now that I see on a regular basis are those I work with but when I’m off work they’re at work and so I have nobody to meet up with. So when a certain individual at work becomes really competitive with me with every social interaction I have at work it feels like an attempt at taking the last people I have in the world to talk to. And it’s so not fair since that person has something they should be very thankful for and for that reason has no need to feel competitive with me. I’d swap with them in a heart beat and would still be as nice as I could to others at work. If you have love and have somebody to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with then why would you need to have everybody else’s attention too? Maybe it’s just me and my strange desire to distance myself from most people but I’d be happy for just one person who actually always gave a shit about me and wanted to know how I was doing. The rest is easy. Get on with people, have a laugh and live your life.
Right now I feel so down about it all. Then there’s the girl that caused me to be on this lonely path. I see her around now. And I feel nothing at all. That’s quite sad really since she once meant everything to me. She recently got in contact with me via facebook and for a moment I considered just telling her all of my bullshit. At least she used to listen to me and she’d made the effort after a few years of absolutely nothing between us. But do I really miss her as a person? I’ve made every effort to forget her. I think I just miss what we had a bit. Even though most of that was pretty shit too. I know that the best thing to do for both of us there is to stay away from each other. I’ll always be me and she’ll always be her and that is just a potentially dangerous mix of chemicals. But still, it’s not nice. That is a connection to somebody else that I did have and something that I fought hard for and now it’s fucked up beyond all repair.
Oh well, what can we do? Today I will go to work and for a few hours it will be shit as I’ll have to listen to a whole load of competitive bullshit from my enemy. I could be in a conversation about anything to anybody and this asshole will come along and jump on it by saying basically “no matter what Darren has done, respect me more cause I am better”. And even though it’s not true and nobody cares what he says, it still drains me and makes me want to just give up on conversation with everybody. But by the evening I’ll be working with people I consider to be friends and we’ll probably have a laugh and I’ll be feeling more cheery. Then I’ll come home, have a beer and realise once again that the universe is pretty much indifferent to my existence.
It’s just me against the world.