This is it. Right now we are having our time that has been given to us. It is annoying that I spend so much time feeling down or feeling angry because I simply don’t have time for that. We should try to be happy and spend as much time as we can having fun and laughing. It’s the main thing I would change about myself. I’d love to live for the moment. For this very second right now. But I’m always dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. It’s not healthy really. I think about where I’ll be in five years time. Where will I be living? Where will I be working? Who will I be with (if anyone)? Who will I still be friends with? It should be an exciting prospect but I find that it scares me. Five years ago I was just finishing uni and it has gone so fast. Another five years will pass before I know it and I just don’t know how it will go.
I know what I want. Achieving my goals will be difficult though. My ambitions to be an accountant have stumbled a bit lately since I’m struggling for motivation. But I need to get back to it. I need to get away from my current job. The monotony of it all is sending me crazy. And some of the people.
Then there’s the whole love thing. I would love to have that again. That’s what makes us happy in the end and it’s what this one life is all about. Everybody acts like they have it but I think a lot of people are just making do and are with someone for convenience. I guess it’s better than being alone. But what we all need is that love that rocks your world. Something that is unbreakable and built to last. I see people that have been married for 20, 30 or 40 years and they must have had such a great time together. All those experiences shared. A whole life seen from two points of view. It’s a nice thought. I imagine it takes a lot of work and compromise but is more than worth it.
It’s difficult to find someone though. At least for me it is. There’s the one girl I loved and I met her in primary school. She dominated my thoughts throughout school, college, uni and beyond. That has gone. And since then there are only three ways to meet a girl. One way is online. But that’s hard because you literally cannot tell without meeting up if you have a connection with somebody or not. And arranging something like that when it is a total gamble is daunting. The second way is whilst out drinking with mates. But this too is hard. Most of my mates now just want to sit in a bar, relax and chat over a few pints. That’s what I love to do too but when you’re in an exclusive group like that you will never meet other people. And if you go clubbing then yeah, things happen. Drunken stupid things. It’s just not ideal either really. Although it’s the most likely way this is going to happen I guess.
The third way has got me thinking a lot lately. I work in the kitchen of a fairly busy pub. And there are girls that work there and I suppose over the last five years I’ve fancied a few of them. You can get to know people at work and I’ve had a few mates in the past who’ve met someone there. I guess there’s been four of five girls that I’ve really liked and got to know and that kind of thing gives you hope. In a small environment like that if there are a few plausible situations then it shows you that the “plenty more fish in the sea” bullshit has some truth to it. I like to get to know somebody and be friends first before anything happens but maybe I’m just too slow with it all since every single one of these girls now have relationships and some of them I don’t even speak to anymore. I guess work isn’t the right option either. But it at least gives me hope.
It’s difficult. It must be nice to have it all sorted. Some of my friends are married now, some have kids. In their minds as things stand they are together forever. All problems are shared. They can just go on enjoying their lives together. A couple of years ago I didn’t give a shit about things like this. I suppose I was still heart broken and just didn’t care as I was so wrapped up in that. Now there is a void and it feels pretty empty. I guess it will happen given time. I’m not a bad dude and even complete arseholes end up sharing their ridiculous lives with somebody eventually. I just need a bit of a sense of urgency. One life. This is it. The time is now. Right now.