“And it hurts cause the pieces to the puzzle don’t fit,
And anybody who thinks they know us doesn’t know shit,
And they’re probably just tired of hearin’ it all the time,
On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,
All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,
What you put me through, fuckin’ whoopdy doo”
How very frustrating. I feel like I’m on the verge of some kind of relapse. I’ve been so strong and done so well over the past few years. I should really give myself a lot of credit for being able to stay away and keep my mouth shut. But last night whilst out and pissed out of my brains I caved in and let things get to me again regarding she-who-shall-not-be-named.
I went for a couple of beers with a mate. Ended up bumping into another mate so I stayed out and ended up smacking at least 10 pints down me in the end. Quite late on I saw her about. Usually when I see her I tense up and feel dread. And I just want to be out of that situation. Last night for some stupid reason I actually wanted some drama. I wasn’t going to start anything but I wasn’t going away either. She came over at some point and I had it in my head what I was going to say. Probably some drunken bullshit and probably not nice either. But when it came to it and she was there in front of me the lid to Pandora’s Box opened a bit and (although wasted anyway) I felt myself lose logic again. Rational thought was switched off. For a brief moment everybody else in the room may as well not have been there. This was all that mattered. Then after that things are a blur. I don’t remember staying there much longer. I remember chatting outside for a bit. I vaguely remember getting home. I ended up sending a message on facebook and my first thought when I woke up was “oh shit, what the hell did I say?” It could have been anything. From undying love and devotion to absolute evil and hatred. Then I had to go to work and I’ve felt like shit all day. Hungover, tired and deep in thought. You see there is a bit of a dilemma for me.
The problem is as follows. There are things I feel like I cannot forgive. There are things that make no sense to me at all. Some people end up travelling down a stupid path in life for a while but it seems like this person has travelled down the path with absolute conviction and gone as far as it was possible to go. I don’t get it. I cannot fathom the stupidity of it all and it totally goes against what I thought I knew of her. Then there is the guilt I feel for not being there at all through hard times. Then there is the embarrassment I feel for some of the ways I’ve acted over the years. She knows my faults more than anybody and I cannot put a mask on around her like I do with many other people. There’s also jealousy going on that I feel. There’s a lot of anger and hurt. There’s the fact that certain friends I have would think I’m the biggest idiot in the world if I did a u-turn and was cool with her again. So there’s a lot of complicated negative feelings I have about it all. But…. we have one short life and we should make the most of it. All that negativity does me no good and if I could let go of it all I would. But even with all that bullshit, I miss her. The question I’m asking myself is can I really spend the rest of my life having nothing to do with her when every part of my fucking soul or whatever is screaming at me that I need her in my life? The fact she has reached out a few times even though I’ve been a cold-hearted prick must mean that on some level she wants me in her life a bit and she’d surely know what she’d be letting herself in for. That’s kind of nice of her I guess.
I know it’d most likely be a mistake though really. I can only see more emotional turmoil. The sense of loss that I have is surely better than feeling like I’ve regained something amazing only to lose it again or realise things aren’t how you thought or hoped or whatever. When I sit down and think logically there is no decision to make. It’s simple. It’s in the past and that’s the end of it. Bollocks to her. But even if that is the right thing to do if I’m honest with myself it’s not what I want to do. What I want is to tell her everything. Every day. I’m partly writing this on here so I don’t send her a fucking essay of bullshit. What I want is to protect the daft sod from all the evil in the world (not that she needs it). I want us to be an unbreakable team. But how can something be unbreakable when the whole thing is already in pieces? I don’t know. I’m deliriously tired right now and I’m not making any sense. I’m going to bed. These thoughts can wait for another day.