“It’s like I’m in the dirt, digging up old hurt
Tried everything to get my mind off you, it won’t work
All it takes is one song on the radio you’re right back on it
Reminding me all over again how you fucking just brushed me off
And left me so burned, spent a lot of time trying to soul search
Maybe I needed to grow up a little first
Well, looks like I hit a growth spurt
But I am coming for closure
Don’t suppose an explanation I’m owed for
The way that you turned your back on me
Just when I may have needed you most
Oh, you thought it was over
You can just close the chapter
And go about your life, like it was nothing
You ruined mine, but you seem to be doing fine
Well, I’d never recovered but tonight I betcha that whatcha
’bout to go through’s tougher than anything I ever have suffered
Can’t think of a better way to define poetic justice
Can I hold grudges, mind saying: “let it go, fuck this”
Heart saying: “I will once I bury this bitch alive
Hide the shovel and then drive off in the sunset”
I’m calling this the end and yet I know it won’t be. Once again it feels like Eminem has somehow wrote a verse that was meant for me with regards to how I feel about this One Love. Love? Bollocks to that.
It was all over. She was the past. Just a bunch of powerful and mostly shitty memories. Then she comes back and there was no way I could escape from it. Not when part of me still cares so much and she was in such a mess. I reverted back to the Darren of 2008. And no matter what anybody thinks this version of myself just wants to help. I hadn’t thought of the future. I had no thoughts initially about how I wanted this story to end. I was just going with the flow and seeing if I could help. It was also interesting to see how much she had changed and how much I have changed. She was once everything. And now I know I don’t have that kind of love left in me anymore. She killed it.
But I guess I do feel kind of alone. And here was a girl who seemed to need me in her life. She’s one of the only people in the world I can be myself with and actually talk to and not get bored and feel like I’d rather be on my own. After meeting up with her a few times and speaking on the phone on a daily basis I admit that there are still feelings there. I wanted to figure this all out and reconcile my two opinions of her so that we could move past it all. I don’t want to hate her. I started thinking maybe there was a chance that we could have a fresh start and maybe eventually end up finally in a relationship. After all the years and all the bullshit it would be nice for the story to end up like that. Happily ever after and all that.
But I should have known better. I’m disappointed that emotions started to get the better of me and I was unable to be logical and indifferent to the whole situation. She’s literally just a mindfuck. I honestly think she just wants to suck the life out of me. A few weeks ago she’d need to speak to me multiple times per day and wanted us to meet up whenever we could. She got annoyed at me over a status I put on Facebook. She’d never been like that with me before. So everything on the surface was kind of cool between us. She wanted a fresh start and needed my help. And despite my bullshit radar going off I wanted to help and was optimistic for her. Until suddenly that all stopped. No phone calls or texts. Not really replying to my texts. It was like a complete u-turn and even now I don’t understand why. No explanation. From keeping me constantly up to date with her crazy life to absolutely fuck all.
That frustrates me and makes me angry considering all I have been through for her. It has always been her terms though, there’s never been any balance between us. She calls and I come running. I call and she goes running away. She gets me back and then drops me like a sack of shit when I’m no longer convenient due to her latest ridiculous decision. I can guess what has happened here. She’s changed her mind about everything and knows I’ll tell her how stupid she is so she’s decided to totally cut me out. Fantastic. What a waste of fucking time again. Why do I bother? Why do I never learn that she is just a manipulative and deceitful, evil little bitch? I should understand that she will never care about me. And I’ll never trust anything she says because lies just come a bit too easily to her. I feel like she’s played me and she’s done this whilst supposedly being in a mess about a potentially messy marriage break up. But that’s me, the eternal back up plan. I’ll pick up the pieces while she begins smashing more shit up. Well fuck it. No more.
It’s going to be hard again cause I’ve relapsed after doing so well for years and I need to prove to myself that I can stay away again and not care. And it has only been 4 days since I contacted her again stupidly. But just ignoring her forever no longer feels fair. I want to hurt her somehow really. You shouldn’t be allowed to mess people about all the time and still have a bunch of people think you’re a great person that has been through a rough time. You get what you deserve. And as for the disgusting shit she told me that she doesn’t want people to know? Why should I give a shit? I don’t care who knows what anymore. We choose whether we believe what we hear or suspect right? Yeah because normally with you it’s the truth except if anything it’s a whole lot worse.
Anyway, if you read this – fuck you. I hate you. Leave me alone. Enjoy the rest of your fucked up life. I only see shit times ahead for you. I’m done