“So much to write and say, yo I don’t know where to start
So I’ll begin with the basics and flow from the heart”
I have an urge to write some words. Plus I haven’t posted anything for a while. I’ve posted some kind of blog every calendar month now for a fair sequence of months but April 2014 is almost up and there have been no words brewing inside my brain as of yet. There will never be another April 2014. And with that in mind I should really document what I have been thinking during this month. It might seem unimportant right now but one day I may look back on these words and realise that this ramble was the start of everything in life that came after it. Even if everything that comes after it is a huge pile of shit.
My most recent attempts at transferring these thoughts from the labyrinth that is my brain to some kind of text based blog have been quite direct. Alcohol, smoking, religion and philosophy have been the topics I have delved into so far in 2014. It is good to get a rant out of the system. And when I write here I don’t feel like I am aiming it at anyone in particular. There’s no need for anyone to ever visit here. And so I can say whatever I want and not worry about a backlash. That is nice. There is a rant I really feel like jumping into right now. But I am saving that one. It will probably be a billion words long and it would be wise to wait until I have secured a new job since it is my company that I feel like bashing. But since they still pay me enough to be able to eat food, pay bills and go to festivals I better not risk it. Other than work bashing there is no real rant that I can do. So it’s back to Dear Diary. Aimless writing. Thoughts becoming words.
So what’s been going on? Well, the job hasn’t changed. Can’t exactly just jack it in though. Leaving is going to be difficult due to the lack of experience I have doing anything else. My degree is in the past and it’s like it never happened. I can’t even remember much of it so it’s hard to get a career using that. I guess it shows that I’m no idiot but that’s all it really does. The novelty of having had a promotion and having more responsibility and more money has well and truly worn off. I’m spending more and have quite a few big social events this year so that is where the extra money has gone (or will be going). The extra responsibility has now become boring. I guess the promotion allowed me to get through Christmas and the start of this year without going crazy enough to put somebody’s head in the fryer but I am reaching that point now. Some days I just want to leave work, leave the flat, leave everything and run away. Other days I just get through it and then have a few beers and realise things could be worse. It’s a tough one. But it has been for ages now and I’m getting used to it. That’s the scariest part though. The fight is starting to leave me as I accept this less than mediocre existence. But still, I have some plans. I still plan to finish my accountancy course. 80% done now 18 months on…shameful progress. I also applied for the police. This will never happen. It’s really competitive and there are role-plays, written assessments, interviews, medical and fitness tests to pass. It would be such a great career and I’d love to do it. Less money than a career in accountancy maybe but at least it will be interesting. And that is the main thing. Time is so much more valuable than money. They won’t accept me because I’m not that lucky but if the gods have already decided that I am not allowed to be in the police then I hope they just flat out reject my application immediately. It would not be cool to go through their assessments and then get rejected.
One day one employer will break the mold and give me a chance. They’ll see past the years I’ve wasted and they’ll see past the lack of experience. They’ll see that I’m loyal and hard working. And determined. And fairly intelligent. And honest. And they’ll think “fuck it, how badly can he really screw up our company?” And then I’ll reward them by being the best employee they’ll ever employ. And if this prediction does not happen then I will end up in a mental hospital chewing my fingers whilst headbutting walls and living through some imaginary world deep in the depths of my brain-damaged-brain.
I started writing this on the 29th of April. But I got tired and went to bed. The next day I went to work and had a few too many beers afterwards. And then it stopped being April and started being May. Oh well, sod it.
May already…how did it get here so fast? It scares the bejesus out of me. I’ll soon be 30. Life is racing by and I still feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all. How will I ever buy a house? The stress of time is too much some days. I know it’s a stupid way to view everything and would be beneficial if I were to just take each day as it comes. But I can’t for some reason. There are a lot of things to look forward to this year and at least with time going so fast I won’t have so long to wait. There’s a mad stag weekend coming up in Newquay in a few weeks. Plus a stag weekend later in the year in Portugal. And in June it’s Glastonbury! That will probably be the best weekend of all time. Festivals suit me. I can wake up and crack open a can and at a festival it’s just normal and not a disgrace at all. I can get filthy without a care in the world. There will be so much to do and see. Give me a muddy field on England’s soil over a beach in Greece any day.
Back to time. Living for the moment is best but I do not do this and am constantly thinking of the past and the future. Recently I have been thinking a lot about bastard Cancer. It has been in the news with the no make-up selfie pictures raising money. And also the dude Stephen Sutton from our very own county of Staffordshire has raised so much money for his charity. I cannot believe how brave that guy is. He stays positive when many would crumble. If I were in his position and had a very limited future to worry about then I would go to pieces. So there I am with my ridiculous problems where I worry about time going fast and the fact that in 2 years and 8 months I’ll be 30 years old and there are people who have to be happy with every day that they wake up and are still here. It puts things into perspective and forces me to accept that I am fortunate. We are lucky that we have time here to do the things we want to do. And we’re silly if we don’t make the most of it. Cancer is a horrible thing. I know somebody with it and it is fucking with me. It’s hard when there is nothing you can do. It’s hard to fathom how they must feel. I can’t really deal with it at all and yet this will happen again and again. One in three people get it they say. That’s a lot of people that you know through your life that will have to face this. And maybe I will too. I’m thankful that there are charities out there and people that do amazing things to raise money for them so as a race of people we can help with this disease. All I can do is throw a few squid their way myself too. We should all enjoy life and not let the small, insignificant, everyday bullshit problems get us down. In comparison to some situations we have no problems. That is a lesson that I try to remind myself. So what if I have to work 10 hours on a bank holiday for no extra pay. Things are fine. The summer is nearly here.
There isn’t much else I can be bothered to go on about right now. I had other bullet points in my head that I wanted to get down but the more I think about them the more there is to say and so I’ll save it all for another day. Instead I’m going to enjoy the next few hours before another work day. Then it’s two days off. Friday and Saturday. Lovely. Until next time x
PS: I have come to realise that the subtitle of this page and therefore the subtitle of the blog I had for years back on myspace has had a spelling mistake the whole time. I always called it Labrynth of a Mind. Never questioned that that was not how to spell the word. It looks right to me. But apparently it’s labyrinth. What is the “y” doing after the “b”? Stupid. I have corrected it.