“Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn’t matter much to me”
December. Last month of the year. 31 days out of 365 are December days. I always say it’s my favourite month. I’ve always loved Christmas. My birthday takes place in this month. I love the atmosphere of it. The smell of it. The way it is freezing bloody cold. It’s a mixture of hard work performing miracles in a busy restaurant and duvet days where all I do is warm up with a coffee and listen to music and watch films and both types of days are interspersed with merry days with my favourite people. I will always love December.
However it is also a month of great reflection for me and I guess for most people. I spend too much time reflecting on things but that is just who I am. I am introverted and I am constantly reflecting on things, regretting things, analysing things etc. December is the last month of the year so I think about the past 12 months and what I have done. And I think about what I would like to do in the next 12 months. So much thinking to do. Too much. Far too much to ever unload on to an actual person. Thankfully I have this space here to sort through things. 2014 has been great and I have recorded a lot of my thoughts here. I’m well into this online diary again. These thoughts can never be lost and in a way they immortalise me. Though we’re all immortal anyway since something or someone can never truly become nothing or no one. We’re all children of the Universe.
Lately I have been struggling with being the “new” me that utilises a new belief system and the “old” me that is skeptical of almost everybody and everything. Some days I worry about the fact I’m nearly 28(!) and have achieved very little. Still all alone in the scary world and still doing the same job and same habits that I have exhausted. This is maybe the view of most people about me. I can almost hear people’s thoughts. Sometimes I feel I stand out as a bit of an anomaly in a sea of normal people. But then that is counteracted by the fact that everybody is the centre of their own universe and nobody probably even notices me all that much. That’s actually a comforting thought. I don’t want to stand out or be strange. None of us can help who we are. It’s not that I feel I need to justify myself or anything but sometimes I do feel that I’m an outsider and will never know what it’s like to fit in. I don’t say this to make anybody feel sorry for me. It’s just me being honest. It is really how I feel. And it’s cool. Despite these thoughts that I sometimes have I now often see things with a different perspective.
Firstly I am either not unique at all or we all are. I am one soul experiencing the Universe. Everybody else sees things slightly differently but we’re all in this together. I don’t feel I am separate or different. I feel we are all connected. And when I see things in this frame of mind I find I stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling a little bit sorry for certain others. I know many people that have a great balance between all things in life. But some people I think have the balance all wrong. Some people are so career driven and I suppose if it works for them then it’s great. But I see them putting hours and hours in and stressing about the tiniest details of working life that I think they’re missing the point. Are we really here to serve some huge company for most of our lives? Should we really dedicate so much time and thought into increasing the profits of these companies? In return we’re allowed to be a member of society. Nice. I understand the need to contribute and I don’t believe everything should be handed to us. But in our own minds I think we need a balance. Do some work and live some life. There’s too much work going on and not enough of actually experiencing things sometimes.
So in some ways I am grateful to myself that I am not so tied down with a career and other things that society says I should have by now or very soon. I don’t want my life mapped out in front of me. I don’t want a career where I can work most days for at least eight hours and get a few promotions and see a slightly increasing amount of money go electronically into my bank every four weeks for the next forty years so I get to reduce the amount owed for a mortgage which allows me to exist within the confines of some building whilst having the privilege of saying it belongs to me. It just isn’t for me. And it’s strange because I’ve always thought I wanted that but I’d never really stopped to think about what it would mean for me. Maybe subconsciously I’ve always known it should not be my path and that is really why I haven’t come close to achieving it. It’s only during the last year I’ve started to realise who I honestly am and what I really want. And what I really want is to row, row, row my boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream.
Anyway that’s just some stuff I’ve been thinking about. I’m happier about things. There’s a lot to look forward to also. But life is all about right now. And right now it’s pretty much Christmas time! It’s now perfectly acceptable to play Christmas songs and be jolly. It’ll be cool to see friends and family over the next few weeks when I can. Anybody who wants to be in my life is already in my life. Even if it’s not that many I love you all. People come and go. The “old” me would be sad about this. Some of my best friends through life have moved on to other places with other people and I rarely see or speak to them now. But it’s nothing to be sad about. It’s just how life is. Everybody wants to be happy and chases after those good feelings. I’m happy to have the people I have now.
That was a nice little paragraph. Time to dip back into the deep stuff again though. Time to talk in riddles in an ass-backwards kind of way so only some (if any) even know what I am on about. There is a situation. It affects “old” me and “new” me if they are actual things and not just something I am inventing right now. Do I have a total inability to resolve my past? Do I need psychological help? Do I want to work towards a better future for all involved? Am I selfish or selfless? Am I just bored in the present moment? Can an old spark once again re-ignite a star before going supernova? Or will the spark finally burn out? Does the spark even exist? Did it ever? There’s something so beautiful. Like a rainbow. But to see the rainbow you have to wait out a lightning storm and even then the rainbow can only be seen in certain conditions. It is believed that happiness lies at the end of the rainbow. But as we all know reaching that point is an illusion. The rainbow doesn’t really exist. It is just a part of our mind. A part of our experience. The rainbow is us. I am the goddamn rainbow. So the thing about this situation is that there maybe is not a situation. It’s just part of my brain’s desire to chase destruction instead of happiness. I’m like a moth flying straight into the Sun. But despite the inevitable pain my mind is enchanted. Probably because I am crazy. But what do I want? All I want is peace. I don’t want epic. I just want mundane. Shared mundane bullshit. But I am naive and stupid and I have no idea what I’m doing or even on about. I don’t know how to proceed and every direction is a potential cluster-fuck. I can stay here in unfinished business territory and just leave it all wrong since it can never be alright. I can go back there and try to jam the pieces to the puzzle together and make them fit even if it requires superglue and just pretend like that was always the way it should have gone. Or I could throw the whole puzzle away and travel into the future with a new puzzle and fit each new piece bit by bit. You and then me. You and then me. Build, build, build. At any point it could and would go wrong anyway but maybe, just maybe one day we will create a beautiful picture and it won’t be a cluster-fuck anymore. And that is the end of the riddles.
So there are some words for December. This month isn’t done yet. The year isn’t done yet. Let’s carry on with it and see how 2014 ends. Ciao x