“I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime”
Writing. It’s my therapy. And this is my own little part of the internet where I can just let it all out. I have many things on my mind and I need to sort through them. I feel like this blog post might be a bit (a lot) mental (totally ridiculous). It’s ok though because if I write it then it’s because I needed to. And if you read it it’s because you felt like it. Let’s just have no judgement for a while here. I am free to stop typing and do something else but I have some spare time. You are free to stop reading and go and play. If you’re still here you have time and maybe you feel like reading the ramblings of a mad man haha.
Ok, let’s get into “Zen Mode”. This isn’t really my part of the internet. It’s all connected and really just one thing. Every page is a part of it. And typing all of those pages are humans and we are also all connected. It is a difficult concept for me to grasp but one I’m finally realising. If you stretch time out you can see it more easily. We’re functions of the Universe like a wave is a function of the ocean (Alan Watts). I don’t want to get too deep but our senses serve a purpose but also create a reality that is kind of an illusion. In truth we are divine. We are One. And we’re all in this together forever. It is a philosophy that I really believe in. Everything any of us do has an impact on everything around us. And when you add compassion into this truth then we are capable of such love for those around us. Treating everybody like they are actually you is beneficial to everybody and especially beneficial to our own state of mind and well being. It is something worth experiencing. Feel that connection and work towards a better present reality for yourself and those around you.
The opposite idea to this concept is one that we mostly experience in everyday life and so seems like closer to reality. It is the illusion of separation. This idea states that once you are born and have entered the world you are your own entity and are totally separate to the rest of the Universe. Your mind is your own. Your whole self is disconnected and you need to look after your own interests. You need food, water and shelter and these are things you need to obtain even at the expense of others. You need attention from others to fuel this ego that you have so you feel special. To further increase your sense of self importance you need desirable objects. Nice house, nice car, nice clothes etc. And to do this in the world you need a job and you compete with others for these jobs and for this money. You do this alone and even if you gain help from others everybody is out for self gain. Your “self” is your world. This can be true of all of us at times. We aren’t like this at all times because to some extent I believe we are all searching for ways to connect to each other and so I think we alternate between living in this illusion and living as free functions of the Universe that are all actually One. It is a powerful illusion. And living this way will at times make us feel as if we are happy as we’re so attached to ourselves and our own separate lives and every object in it. But if you look deep and let go of everything materialistic and let go of this idea of a self separate from our environment and realise that reality is just energy expressing itself in different ways (and for these 75-ish years you might be a human boy or girl but then for a thousand years you might be part of a burning distant star and then you might be a fish in a goldfish bowl for a few days and then maybe a brick in a house for a few hundred years and then another human boy or girl again) then you are able to find true peace and a more stable kind of happiness by helping others and accepting everything that happens to you whilst focusing on your own internal emotions and giving a total disregard for external influences that are actually beyond your control. Just go with the flow. Phew. And yet….and yet…it is hard sometimes….it is hard to not really believe that I deserve more….just let go Darren, go with the flow….no I want to hold on to this just for a second because it just really isn’t quite fucking fair….I deserve happiness and fuck you for getting in my way…..fuck you. ME ME ME ME!…
…WE INTERRUPT THIS JIBBER JABBER TO GIVE YOU SOME DIFFERENT KIND OF BULLSHIT…
“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around”
Red is all about passion so that is the colour I will type in as I just let it out. I feel so fucking angry. I need to let go of it but it is impossible sometimes. Separation? Goddamn right. I am attached to my own screwed up internal condition and detached from the rest of the world. Meditation would help me right now but I do not have the right motivation to get into that frame of mind. We live in a world where we experience everything through a camera lens or via a computer screen. I do it but I don’t like it. One of the best times of my life was a week where I had no technology and just had a bunch of (at first unknown) people to talk to and a heap of elephant shit to clean up. Loved it. Selfies annoy me. How many likes will it take to make your ego satisfied? Shops and restaurants are all full of shit. Everywhere I just see schemes to make money. The world literally revolves around making money. To what eventual end? And when being selfish I realise I just do not fit into any of this. I can’t make money. I don’t fit in. I’m running low on friends cause I’m such an asshole at times. I feel so closed off and alone that it makes me claustrophobic. It can make me panic. And angry. All energy flows in such a negative direction when in this state of mind that I just attack. I need to hurt people emotionally. And I do this because it is a reflection of my own emotions. It’s like I have no awareness of how others feel and I am incapable of relating to them. That’s why psychopaths interest me. I don’t believe I am one but I can relate to them a bit. The feeling of isolation. And part of this is amplified by the fact that everybody around me seems to be so bloody happy all the time. Notice how this is all me? All I’m talking about is myself. A self that is an illusion and has its own ego that needs to be fueled. If I could just let go and live for right now…fuck the past….just chill...how can I connect with my true nature if all I can think of is what I need? I don’t need anything. Just a glass of water and the sunshine. Breathe in. I am alive. And very happy to be here.
Breathing in, I know I am alive. Breathing out, I smile 🙂
I’m not sure why I feel this isolation sometimes. I’m not isolated. Ok, I’m single and that doesn’t look like changing anytime soon. But it might! There are endless possibilities and it is negative to think all doors are forever shut. And it doesn’t bother me most of the time anyway. Just during some social gatherings due to me being concerned with stupid appearances when I’m amongst some great friends anyway. I have some awesome people in my life. People who actually listen to my ramblings and put up with them. People who I have a great time with. And that’s what life is about. Having amazing experiences. Enjoying every moment. And most of the time I try to enjoy all my moments. Positivity can cause a nice butterfly effect that just leads to more positivity and it feels so great. It gives me the motivation to be a better person. I want to hear your stories. I want us to connect because I have a deep empathy when feeling this way. I want to help. I want my life to revolve around doing good things and I am now humble enough to not desire much for myself other than things for basic survival. And with all this in mind I attempted to fix a situation with somebody I have almost always known. Somebody who I have loved deeply and cared about for a long, long time. But it didn’t work and cannot work despite my intentions. This is because it is something quite screwed up from my past that I am attached to and connecting back to that works against all the good vibes I am trying to absorb and reflect. It is a situation that causes anger. And I’ve known this for a while and I know the absolute best thing and most mindful and positive thing I can do is let it go and stay away forever. This is not just some words it is the truth that makes total sense. But this causes sadness. Have you ever had a realisation that you are just not at all what a person you care about needs? You are the total opposite? It is difficult to admit. But all that matters is happiness and I will be happy. And without me this situation will fade away. And others will be happier also.
Aaahhhhh. Cleansed. Back to general things and not specific situations. When in “Zen Mode” I want to help. It’s all great. Yada yada yada. I see a bright future when the coin lands this way. Everyday is a blessing and the path I’m on is an infinite journey into the unknown and that is exciting. Life is a great adventure to be discovered day by day. Yada yada yada. Thing is though when I’m in a supermarket trying to buy some food to eat and I’m in a hurry you can bet your bastard life that many assholes with trolleys will be in the way. Taking up your time. Like you have all the time in the world when it’s your only day off. And then time seems suffocating. It passes so quickly. Already mid-January 2015 and it scares the shit out of me. Still alone. It’s hard to relate to others and connect to them and any connections I do have could be potentially ruined at any point due to me losing my shit and lashing out. Negative vibes do not flow. They choke you and paralyse you. I can’t imagine a future. What will be happening in 20 years time? I dread it. I dread it so much sometimes. I might just be the odd guy on his own at a bar with a beer. Watching the football. Three points for United, get in! And everybody else will be in Florida with their families posting picture after picture and facebook status after facebook status and tweet after tweet and snapchat after instagram and whateverthefucksocialmediabullshitisoutin20years after whateverthefucksocialmediabullshitisoutin20years and everywhere I go the same shit boy band will be on every radio and on every tv and on every t-shirt and every lunchbox and everybody will be loving it and every c-list celebrity will be on every reality show and everybody will be loving it and tweeting about it and plastering it all over magazines and every politician will be causing outrage with more spending cuts and job losses and bullshit price increases whilst everyone is powerless to do anything about it cause society is broken. I will slip further from this bullshit reality and I won’t be able to help anybody or have any compassion because I’ll be too angry and depressed. I’ll just sip my beer until I can deal with it all in some way. All alone. Separate. Disconnected from reality. Which would be for the best because that reality is just an illusion anyway. If I am disconnected from it then it means I am able to connect to what is real. I will breathe in and smile. I imagine that if I stay on this path (what path asshole?) then I will have had a great 20 years (yeah right) and I won’t even have to look forward to the next 20 because I’ll be enjoying that very day. Living for that moment. I can turn off the tv and I can find music that makes me feel something. I can go to Florida. Or Vietnam. Whenever I choose. I will be open to everybody and will allow connections to be made and fade as easy as the wind blows leaves in a forest (empty beer cans in the gutter).
Emotions change with every passing moment and with every external influence. We need to get them under our control. Random bursts of rage never solve anything. I think they’re mostly a cry for help. Even if it’s nothing major. Happiness is a choice but it can be difficult seeing this when going through some kind of depression. It can seem like there’s no hope and nothing can change. But things are constantly changing. Right now on Facebook everybody has been posting their very first profile pictures. I look at other people’s first photos from years ago and I look at my own and the changes are obvious and quite drastic. I’m not talking about looks here. Yeah there’s been some aging and a change of hair styles and that’s normal. But look at where we were living and which people were in our lives back then and look at it all now. Many things change and that is just in a little section of time that has been around seven years long. In seven years time who knows where any of us will be and who we will meet? We should discover the answers with enjoyment. Even if it seemssssssahahjjhsjs give me the keyboard back even if it seems like what? Sometimes my “self” talks such bullshit and I know it and everyone knows it. Most days are mundane. They roll into one. It’s all about working in a shit job with lame pay and crap hours. How can I help others when I can’t even help myself? How do I expect the world and everybody in it to be positive and work towards a better future when I have trouble believing it myself? No wonder I’m angry and conflicted. No wonder I lash out. No wonder my words can be harsh. I need to get a grip. Get a beer and delete all of these stupid words before they lock me away in a padded cell.
No. Doubts are always there. The path is not always easy. But everything is pointing me into a certain kind of direction lately. Part of it is due to me seeking it out. All of this spiritual stuff and Eastern philosophies. It is so substantial and means a lot to me so I seek it out and read about it and talk about it and listen to others about it. But sometimes I’m not even seeking it out. It’s like when you hear a new word for the first time and then start seeing it and hearing it everywhere. The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon it’s called. It’s like that with this spiritual stuff. Everybody lately seems to bring it up. Sometimes it’s in a film or TV programme I’m watching. And all of these people with these inspiring ideas stir something up in me. And I know it’s the future for me simply because I feel right with all of this. So screw you to the red writing negative side of myself. I need that anger a little bit though. It just needs adjusting so I use it in a positive way. I need passion about things. I need some determination and fire inside of me. As Buddha taught it’s all about finding the “middle way”. Something realistic where you can be happy and achieve peace whilst also being just one part of the Universe that is contemplating itself. We’re all One. Not just planet Earth but the whole freaking Universe. It’s all about this moment and not getting carried anyway in the little things in life that can seem annoying. Take a moment, breathe and enjoy it. The middle way deserves some blue writing I reckon. It’s a peaceful colour. Your shopping trolleys can annoy me for a second but we’re all just trying to get some food and get back home. I can feel a bit alone but then I enjoy being alone and it’s nice a lot of the time. Tranquil. I can walk out of the front door right now and do anything. It all starts with our own mind and our own actions. Mine still needs taming and it will be something I think about as I carry on with my journey. The past is gone and I cannot change it. I learn from these experiences and apply them in the hear and now. Or try to at least. I am excited for the future. This writing is my therapy and I feel so much better just getting it out there. From one human adding some words to our internet to the human reading these words on our internet – much love 🙂