“Red is the hottest of all colours, and as such, represents all things intense and passionate. Heat and fire, speed and zest, blood and excitement, competition and aggression, are all feelings and imagery evoked by the colour red”
So two and a half months have gone by since I last typed some words here. I did not intend for that to happen. Many times I’ve felt the need to write a blog to get something out there. Yet I haven’t had the time or energy. I’ve been quite busy. I worked a lot leading up to a four week Vietnam trip and then have worked a lot since being back. Not had time to catch my breath. I meant to write up about Vietnam and what I saw over there but just didn’t get around to it and now probably couldn’t do it justice. It was an incredible break away from life at home. A different world full of amazing people. I’ll go back there one day hopefully.
May 2015 has been a difficult month mentally. And that is why I’m here writing I guess. There’s been a combination of factors that have lead me to temporarily forget all of the wisdom I had being trying to absorb and that in turn has lead me to feeling quite trapped by my circumstances. The reality is that I have a flat and bills I need to pay for. I had a fantastic time away and was once again reminded how huge and varied a place the world is. And then I come home to my little town with the same job that I am so bored of doing. And I have no choice but to plod on with it. Totally stuck in a rut. Going nowhere. Each work day is just an obstacle that I need to get through somehow and this requires mental strength that I have lacked lately. It gets tiring. The bureaucracy of the place is crippling me. The long hours and general work can be physically demanding too especially straight off the back of a huge adventure on the other side of the planet. And in the few hours where I’ve had time to rest during this period of life I’ve felt this huge pressure until it gives me a headache. And this pressure is me yelling at myself that I need to get away from it all forever. Yet I don’t have the energy to even try and there aren’t many opportunities.
I’ve felt totally trapped. It’s the world we have created for ourselves and this is the world I have created for me. Easy yet boring. Except not so easy to deal with anymore and so it is now difficult and extremely boring. It leads to increasing frustration and a potentially never ending cycle of depression which I cannot allow myself to fall into. The other day I had a massive panic about it all. I saw weeks of rotas with my name attached to a never ending spiral of work. It is work that is never done no matter how hard you try. All you can do is fight to keep your head above water and then go again. The only new challenge ever involved is the fact it is a new calendar day. And days are hard to keep track of since they all blend together into one horribly infinite groundhog day. It’s suffocating and there’s no escape. Only more bureaucracy and bullshit. There’s a need to be faster and better and increase profits whilst using less resources. And we’re pushed to breaking point until somebody is going to get hurt either by falling over or by being attacked due to a member of staff being driven out of their mind by somebody constantly cracking the whip. There are rules that are actually nonsense. There are little problems that are so insignificant to the real world that the only reason they are a problem is because they are being mentioned and therefore wasting everybody’s time. It really can be soul destroying and the only saving grace is that there are some decent people that work there. I imagine many people reach this point with their jobs and then find themselves firing their CV’s off to anywhere so long as it is somewhere else. I contemplated everything. I even thought of just quitting and running away without a word. Anything so long as I didn’t have to deal with the same silly issues any longer whilst also giving up most of my time busting my balls for a company that simply doesn’t deserve a goddamn thing off any of us.
But I didn’t do that. I calmed down. I re-evaluated things and tried to focus on all the positives I have right now. Financially doing better than ever. So well in fact I’ve blown a few hundred pounds on crap off eBay. If I have free money I just splash it. Might as well withdraw it then put it in front of a fan aimed out of the window so it scatters in all directions. I simply don’t care about money so long as I can pay my bills and eat. So that’s nice. Any change to that and I might have to think about things and be more careful. And people are in worse positions than me. I tried to see my temporary imprisonment as a nice challenge. There are so many options and the fact I very nearly just jacked it all in made me see how free I actually am. At any point I can go anywhere. I have the freedom to do that. Society says that is reckless and you can’t run away. But society is wrong. I can. And the thought of it is liberating.
But anyway – enough about the job. The claustrophobia is not only due to that little problem. Time. It is still moving swiftly away from me. Already it’s June. Then I’m looking back at what I’ve done this year and the little I have planned for the rest of the year and I panic again. It all gets too much until I am forced to go back to the techniques that moved me away from all of this stress before Vietnam. Buddhism. The whole time I am stressing about things I know the answers are there and yet I was so trapped I couldn’t even think about it. But after having a little time again I have sorted myself out there and realised that from now on if I’m not a Buddhist then I am a psychopath. My mind seems unable to deal with the problems and challenges life throws at it now unless I am practising what Buddha taught and what other wise individuals are teaching today with regards to this incredible philosophy. The reason I worry about time is because I crave things. I crave what society says I should crave. I crave more money. I crave a nice job. I crave a nice house to live in which I own. I crave more trips like the Vietnam trip. I crave love and all that comes with it – family and insanity. I crave all sorts of things. We all do. And all of this really leads to suffering. I do not have to be told that as I see it so clearly for myself. If you let go of all cravings and just be happy with what you have then there is no pressure and life is so much more simple and peaceful. Instead of worrying about what to do for the rest of the year you find yourself having a laugh right now with the people that are around you at the time. You sleep better. You eat better. And the spiral starts to ascend from the seventh circle of hell into something a whole lot more bearable. With a change in perceptions you can go from feeling like a prisoner to feeling absolute freedom. And that is the truth. There are always options and solutions. Nothing is permanent. Not even my hellacious job.
So once again I am ready for whatever the Universe throws at me. More trips away would be cool if the gods are willing. And I need (oops-a-daisy it’s another craving) to find how I can spend my time doing something else that also allows me to pay my bills. Something that is more worthwhile and gives back to society somehow rather than having a narrow minded focus on profits as that is just not why we’re here on this spinning rock. We didn’t defy millions of odds to get a chance at existence just to be a servant to an emotionless machine hell bent on making certain numbers on silly lists slightly bigger. Fuck that thank you very much. So this is my message to the Universe – I am ready! So ready for whatever comes next. If somebody needs some help let me know. All there is is this moment and I want to use it for good somehow. Love to you.
Good vibrations x
“Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. It slows human metabolism and produces a calming effect. Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness. In heraldry, blue is used to symbolise piety and sincerity”