I remember the first time I saw you. Thousands of years ago. I wonder what I would say to myself if I could go back to that moment. Would I change things? Would I look away? Distance could have changed everything. Every small action has the potential to become something life altering. Intrigue kept me close. Like a moth to a flame? No. More like a star to a black hole. A moth is merely attracted to the light. But a star cannot escape a black hole. The light cannot escape the darkness as it implodes on itself. The pull is far too powerful. But go back to that moment. That look. If a star could remain just out of reach then it may escape and continue to shine for a long, long time. It could carry on being part of the cosmos. But the intrigue is there. The mystery is just a glance away. What lies at the heart of it all? It is just unavoidable to not fall. We all want to know what happens when you go into a black hole. To escape is to be free but you’ll never know. To fall is to be a prisoner. And once feeling the insane gravity of the situation time becomes compressed. In one moment you can see the past, present and future all at the same time and realise that this has always been the way and always will be. In that moment it was forever for better or worse. Two particles in a grand Universe that are forever entwined. Civilisations will rise and fall across the galaxy and through it all as well as through the waves and waves of lifetimes upon lifetimes throughout the entirety of existence things will always be this way. I couldn’t look away that day just like I couldn’t look away a thousand years ago. And in a thousand years time it will happen again. Because I am me. And you are you.
To know you is to know both destruction and creation. Dreams can be crushed and hope extinguished. There is no future. Only suffocating nothingness where the vast emptiness engulfs the last remnants of matter. The black hole will betray all hope with utter indifference. Nobody will hear as the atmosphere doesn’t exist here and so sound cannot travel. And even if it could there is nobody around to hear. There is nothing. The reality of being alone for all eternity is confirmed by the black hole.
And yet to keep the same distance from the inevitable is also a fool’s game. Orbiting around and around. Looking. Wondering. Holding on to the same thought for another thousand years and then another thousand. To go closer is to get closer to certain destruction but the desire to know the unknowable remains stronger than ever. Turning away is possible as the critical point has not yet been reached. But turning away gets harder by the moment. And what else is there but this black hole? Sure there are specs of light. But the distances between each particle of light are unimaginable. You may never reach any light and so are forced to experience true emptiness forever. You could float in a little bubble feeling safe while you slowly drown in darkness almost as dark as the black hole. And while there is a light out there that does shine far brighter than the rest it is still much too far away. And though it must be relatively close all it means is maybe it would only just about be impossible to reach as opposed to unfathomably impossible.
Every choice and every path seems to lead to the same outcome. I think of these things as I continue to orbit the black hole. I admire the stars. Specs of light far away. They are a beacon of hope and yet at the same time a cruel mockery of my immediate reality. All the stars are likely dead anyway. I could never reach them if I tried. The distance is too far and I do not have the energy to attempt such a silly endeavor. Even if one could travel the speed of light it would not change things such is the futility of the task. And so I orbit. But is this an orbit? Or a spiral? Is the black hole getting closer? Has the decision been taken out of my hands? Was the choice just an illusion all along? What about the star that is closest and most vibrant? I could never have reached it but maybe I could have taken a closer look before my time was over.
Fighting the inevitable is simply ridiculous. If I can continue to orbit then I’ll do so for another thousand years before trying to escape to see if I can get closer to some light. Knowing I’ll never reach the light doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go in that direction. Getting closer to the light is an achievable goal if I can escape. I could see a beautiful sight. I could experience beauty for the tiniest moment. And if this is indeed a spiral then so be it. Accept fate. I will not fight what cannot be fought.
One thousand years pass. I turn away from the black hole and look for the brightest star in the cosmos. I head in that direction. I give it my all. I shut my eyes so I cannot look back at the black hole and try to go as fast as I can with all of the energy I can produce. I open my eyes. The light is somehow further away. Every spec of light is further away. It’s already too late. I don’t want to look behind me and see my fate. I know it will be closer. It was a spiral all along. Not even light can escape from this force of destruction. At least in the last moment before the end I will satisfy my intrigue. For the tiniest moment I will be aware of the truth and maybe that will be beautiful. I look upon the black hole again. Everything is racing. Time seems faster and slower at the same time. Light is racing away from me in slow motion. If this is the end then just what was the point? Is my only purpose to witness my own destruction via this black hole? I get closer. Who really knows what is at the centre of this entity anyway? Nobody can know for sure. I need to know. I would choose truth and destruction over a pleasant illusion anyway. I’m so close now I can feel the pressure. And is that another light? There is something so bright that is close and on the same path as I am. It must have been the star that was my nearest neighbour. The force of the black hole is strong enough to take us both. I look over at the star next to me and see the light stripped from its body as it fades to nothing. Fate is strange. The only realistic hope I had of experiencing beauty just had its very essence taken apart in front of me mere moments before I experience the same destruction. I imagine to an outsider my light has now gone out also as I pass the event horizon. This is it. Me and you. There was never any escape…
The singularity. The truth and the end. Time stops. I should no longer exist. Maybe I don’t. It all happened so fast. In the same moment that I was crushed into non-existence a whole life time passed. I was born on a planet and lived a life as a human. In that momentary life time I forgot that for millenia I had been a star and that this was the end. I forgot everything about reality and got lost in the story of a human life. It was engrossing. It was nice to no longer be aware of certain permanent destruction and instead get taken in by the illusion of this temporary creation. There was one thing from reality that I remembered vaguely. A shining light. A light that was always so far that got caught on the same path that I ended up on. One insignificant day in the life of this human I happened across a familiar entity. Time raced in slow motion. I had felt this before and now felt it as a human. To know this entity was to know destruction and creation. This other was so close and yet still seemed too far. Unreachable. Unknowable. The human I had become could never comprehend in a whole life time what I had realised at the centre of the black hole in one single moment. In that moment there was beauty. The path around the black hole was never an orbit or a spiral. The choice to head in the direction of the light or accept the pull of the black hole was an illusion. There was no choice. Following the light was exactly the same as giving in to the black hole. Time was compressed. In that moment I see it all. You are the light. You are the black hole. You are you. And I am me. Two particles in a grand Universe forever entwined.