I write various types of blog posts on here. Sometimes I just need to document a great time I’ve had recently and see it as a way to preserve the memory. Sometimes I have a topic that is burning at me and the only way to cure the itch is to write about it. Sometimes I do a strange thing where I have just an image or emotion that I feel like conveying at the time and I just let my fingers type whatever crap they come up with. I don’t really think too much about it. And the result is something kind of strange. Like an abstract painting. But every now and then I just feel like using it as a kind of diary. I like to speak about my current problems and my hopes and fears right now. It can be a bit mundane I suppose. And these kind of blog posts will interest hardly anybody if anybody at all. This is one of them.
Normally around this time of year I start to really panic. Another year is nearing completion and usually I’m in the same job I’ve always had. Christmas is coming and it will be the worst time of year with loads of horrible shifts at work and not much time for festivities. It’s been pretty crap over the last few years. But this year I actually moved jobs. After being in my current job for three and a half months the honeymoon period is over and it is what it is. Something different with its own pros and cons. I work nights at Tesco now and the chef days are gone. No more huge festive tables to deal with throughout December. Instead a whole load of stock to sort out and make available. Working nights has proved to be a challenge. I don’t mind sleeping some of the day away since I’ve worked all night but at times I’ve literally slept the whole day away. I seem to be tired all the time. But I also have a lot more free time. I mostly enjoy this time. I get to relax, read, play games, watch documentaries, learn about things I’m curious about and have the time to meet up with people whenever I like. However I seem to have too much time. It forces me to think too much about life and where I’m at and where I’m heading. I guess I’m still adjusting to my new situation.
I grew to hate my last job but I had some great friends there over the years. While the day was full of boredom and stress there were also a lot of laughs and banter. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss that. I was a big part of it all there even though it was a small group. Whenever work was done I was immediately in a social situation in a pub with friends. Working at a Tesco Superstore is much different. There are many more people working there but I’m a bit more isolated. We pretty much just work our asses off except when on a break and when the work is done it’s home to bed. I get on with the people there but not to the point where I can be hanging around with them outside of work yet. That’s my fault mostly as I’m a reserved and introverted idiot. But also it isn’t easy since we all work nights and as we’re now all adults we all have our own lives when not at work. Well most people do. I’m at a funny stage in life.
There’s no plan for things like this. Right now I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen. I understand that things don’t just happen. You have to go out and make them happen. But it isn’t easy and I kind of have no idea how I’m going to emerge from the existence I’ve created for myself. There’s a mixture of reasons of why I feel so isolated lately. We go through school, college, university etc and are surrounded by people. Even for introverted people like me it is quite easy to form great friendships and be part of a group in those kinds of environments. I still have some of those friendships today and likely always will but many have faded and contact has been lost. Firstly, I’m not very proactive about keeping in touch anyway since I do enjoy being alone a lot. So with me not putting the effort in it makes it easier for people I like to drift away. Secondly most of my best friends from those days moved away. I would love more than anything if we all still lived in the same town but the world moved on. Everybody is in a different bubble now and are far away. I’m still here stupidly but that’s the choice I made after university. I had a great bunch of friends in Liverpool and maybe if I hadn’t left there then I would have remained a part of that group and through them met new people and that could have branched off into a wonderful social life but no point thinking about that now. I’ve lost contact with most of them too and it’s all in the past. Thirdly everybody I know seems to be part of a couple. This means I find myself in many social situations where I’m the odd single guy and though I know probably nobody even thinks about it that much to me I am intensely aware of how alone I am and how everybody can see that and is thinking it. It makes me not want to be there though I know how stupid that is. Plus whilst I love my free time and realise that people in these relationships probably envy in some way the free time I have they are also super busy and could not relate to the almost crippling lonliness I sometimes feel. I’m such a sad bastard haha. I’m just telling it like it is.
How do you resolve this situation when it seems to be snowballing and becoming more and more crippling? It gets difficult to reach out. You can type a facebook status out but probably 95% of facebook friends are not real friends and don’t give a shit. That’s not just me but the truth of social networks in general. How do you contact friends when you haven’t done so for ages? How do you contact friends when it’s likely they have plans already most likely? I know that you just need to crack on with things and see who’s about and get involved. But the situation snowballs and the periods of unhappiness last longer and it starts to roll towards depression. When that happens even simple tasks seem like too much effort. And making effort with others becomes even less desirable.
There are good times. There are still plans. And I still have great friends I see. I still have a laugh at work. I know things can change. It’s refreshing that I have a few new problems. I see my family more now which is cool. And Christmas should be better than it has been for a few years. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and I kind of know myself a lot better than I did before. This probably happens for everybody when they get to their mid to late-twenties. I don’t want to be stuck in a rut. I hate just getting through work days and wasting days off and yet I don’t have the motivation to get out there and try new things. I’ve realised though that it is more difficult to make lasting friendships as you get older. There are less chances to meet people. You only really have work unless you go out and get a hobby. And what are my interests? I just don’t seem to have many real interests. I like deep thinking, writing, comedy, tv programmes, politics, poker, football, tennis, music, beer…all normal stuff. Unless I’m travelling I kind of don’t do much. What I need to do is be more active. Although I’m still awkward and introverted it is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. It still would take ages for somebody to get to know me but at least I can talk to people that I don’t know now. Pros. Things sometimes seem worse than they are. I know things can change. Maybe I do need to move away. I keep talking about it and it can’t hurt. It’s just such effort. The choice as always is easy and boring versus difficult and interesting.
In my mind other people’s lives are probably exaggerated when compared to how they actually are. I guess we all get bored and unhappy. And some people have worse problems than simply being alone. Money troubles and health troubles etc. I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m alive and have my health and I don’t struggle with bills or anything. People in past generations would kill for the luxuries I have. So I feel a bit guilty and self-absorbed when writing about this. The thing is I recognise depression and I feel like people spiral in on being depressed. And then logic can go out of the window. It is hard to see the sun through the clouds once you get so low and I don’t want to be like that. Even if you reach that point you can come back. Nobody is truly alone and there’s always help out there. Plus it’s common. Most people go through similar things at times. It’s important to be able to step back and zoom out and look at things from a different perspective. Things change moment to moment, day to day and year to year. There are ups and downs in life. I’m having more periods of being down than being up lately but so are many other people. I’ll snap out of it. It can start with something simple. Like a new album. I always loved hip hop but haven’t listened to it for a while since all mainstream artists pretty much suck these days. But the other day I was on Spotify and decided to play Kendrick Lamar’s new album called “To Pimp a Butterfly”. I instantly loved it. The poetry and flow of it all combined with the inspiring and beautiful instrumentals resonated with me. I know I’ll listen to it a lot and it will get me to think about things. Maybe I’ll write some lyrics. It’s been a while and was once a great passion of mine. Either way, this album is new and fresh. Hip hop was on a downer but it wasn’t forever. Nothing is forever. I’m still positive. There’s a lot of great things to discover.
Screw it. Just thought I’d get some thoughts down on that as it has been getting to me lately. It’s ok being more positive and more agreeable to social situations but when the whole social scene dries up and there’s nothing to agree to then you need to make a change. I just don’t know what to do there. I’m sure it will all work out and if it doesn’t then the Universe will remain cold and indifferent.
What else to talk about? Not a lot really. Nothing about myself to write about and so the next blog post will probably be about some topic that I have thoughts on and not so much about myself. I want my future self to read this blog again in a few weeks and I hope that things look a bit brighter for future Darren. It was me that isolated myself and became a lone wolf. It is only me that has the power to unisolate myself so that I feel a part of something again. The World is a vast place with a lot going on in it. Time to roll the sleeves up and get stuck in!