Life, like poker has an element of risk. It shouldn’t be avoided. It should be faced. – Edward Norton
Sometimes the cards you’re dealt are good. But they’re not great. You want to play. And you want to see a flop and see how things develop. Your hand could improve. You can’t always wait for a monster to come your way. Sometimes you just have to accept what you have and do your best. So you call the blind (known to poker players as limping in). You don’t raise. You hope for a cheap entry into the pot. There’s a part of you that knows that you have no business being there really. There’s a chance you’re already screwed. And everybody on the table knows you’re vulnerable. You’ve proved it by the pathetic limp that you’re trying out. There are still people left to act. Will they fold? Will they call and go along with you? Or will they punish your vulnerability with a massive raise? Any raise and it’s all over. You can’t call surely. Your cards are weak and you’re hoping for a miracle. But miracles rarely happen. Action is folded to the button. He sits patiently. Taking his time. Deciding the best course of action considering some punk has limped in before him. And there he goes with a raise to seven times the blind. A ridiculously hefty raise. There’s really no need for it. A normal standard raise would probably have been sufficient to end proceedings right there. The huge raise adds insult to injury. Maybe he’s bluffing. Maybe he has no monster hand and is just punishing knowing a fold is the only thing that will result in his action so he gains a few quick and easy chips. Maybe you should call his raise anyway. This guy can’t always have you beat. Sometimes your hand will win regardless. Even if you have 7-2 off and he has pocket rockets you could win. Maybe you should shove all in and see if he has big kahunas. What to do? Take the spanking and walk away with your tail between your legs and go back to waiting for a monster? Get risky and represent a monster by shoving? Call and end up in no mans land with your weak hand? After a while it becomes clear. You have squadoosh. He has you beat. You know it. He knows it. Everybody on the table knows it. You’re an idiot and he has punished you for your tom foolery. Go big or go home? Yeah. Muck that hand. Idiot. You lose your chips to the cocky, over-raising, aggressive, lucky bastard. You take your punishment. Wait for your time. You will have a monster and you will break him. But not right now. Let it be. Let him have this victory. The war is just beginning…
Bloody poker. It’s like life. You live and die many times on a poker table. One minute you think you’ve sussed it all out and know what you’re doing as you’re so “in the zone”. Next minute somebody who has no clue is destroying you with the luck of the gods. It’s a game of skill but with a random luck variable added at all times. You have to bow to this variable and accept it. Life is also a game of skill with the luck variable. There are many limpers who try their luck to see if they can get by. And there’s always some dick swinger to smack them back down until they know their role in this world. Need to pass an interview? Need that girl’s number? Go home dickhead. This job ain’t for you. And that girl wants a guy with a gym subscription and a protein shake you beer swilling lame ass punk. So you go through life limping from one situation to the next getting punished here, there and everywhere. How long do you accept that others have you beat every single time? One day you will snap. Instead of risking a little you’ll risk everything.
Luck is stupid. The human brain can get very pessimistic when considering luck long term. Every situation is different and anything can change at any time. Dealing with this luck factor is the difference between being a good poker player and a bad one. It is also the difference between being a psychopath that is able to function in the world without many people knowing or caring about it and being a psychopath that has been discovered. How can you always be unlucky? It just can’t go on forever right? There’s an instinct in me sometimes. A crazy instinct to fight against luck. If a dude re-raises me in poker a couple of times it starts to piss me off. Like why me dude? Do you hate me? Every time I get good cards your cards just happen to be better huh? And then I limp and he punishes and then snap, crackle and pop. I see red. This guy again. That’s it I’m all in. Let’s risk everything. Put your money where your mouth is and see if you really have me beat right now. You think you do. But you know nothing punk. So the tables are turned. How’s about you go big or go the fuck home eh? Call or fuck off.
The problem is this tendency is a stupid thing to do long term in poker. Maybe he’ll fold and you win. But probably he’ll call and you’re punished more than you would have been. In this situation it is often a case of minimising your losses. You’re screwed either way and it is just a case of how screwed you truly are. They tell you they’re better and you ask them to prove it and so often they go ahead and do just that. Better to walk away early silly limper. In life it’s a silly impulse too. Here’s a fictional scenario between an employer and a punk looking for a job. The employer’s name is Dick Swinger and the punk’s name is Punk Ass.
Dick Swinger: Ok Punk, so why do you think you deserve this job opportunity?
Punk Ass: Cause I’m literally dead good! I work hard, I’m reliable and all of that stuff. I can do this.
Dick Swinger: Hhmmm, I really don’t know about that. I don’t think you’re dead good. There’s no evidence of this. Nah. You go fuck yourself. Some other guy will be better than you.
Punk Ass: Who are you to decide Dick? Just who the hell are you!? Why are you stopping me from moving up in the World? In fact you know what!?
<Punk Ass produces a gun from his pocket, point’s it at Dick’s head and squeezes the trigger after which Dick’s brains splatter all over the wall>
Punk Ass: Now what bitch? No job for me? Well no brains for you Dick! How’s that feel? Who’s the boss now? Bet you wish you’d given me the job now eh?
<Punk Ass spends the rest of his life in jail>
There’s a moral to this story and it will help me to be better at poker and also avoid situations like Punk Ass found himself in. There are many dick swingers in the world. They swing it everywhere they go and slap people in the face with it whenever they get an opportunity. These swingers punish limpers like there’s no tomorrow and they deny punks all sorts of things in life also. You can go all in or blow their brains out but the only loser will be yourself. You will just be a bigger loser than you already were. The answer is to fold. Take a slap from swinger. Walk away. Accept the luck you have and envy the swinger’s luck quietly. Your cards are no good here. They won’t improve. And neither will you gain the luck to beat the swinger in other aspects of life. The girl of your dreams will pick the swinger every time. He has aces and you have squadoosh. He goes to the gym and posts it on facebook whilst you’re there tripping over a loose pebble on the street and hoping nobody saw it. Remember that you punk. Minimise your losses. Lose less than you might lose. Losing the least amount you could lose is kind of like a win to a punk ass like you. Lose a bit of money. Miss out on the job and the girl. But don’t lose a lot of money and don’t lose your dignity. And definitely do not lose your freedom. Shooting a dick swinger’s head off will not change your luck. Go home and read a book instead.
When a limper gets punished the limper does get tempted to become a limper punishing punisher. This is the guy to be. Some other punk limps and you see it. And then some dick swinger punishes the limper with his crushing raise and you see it. You know he’s a bully. The punk is a stupid punk and deserves punishing but the punisher is a swinger and he deserves his own punishment. You can do the ultimate thing here and come in with a re-raise on top of his raise. A raise so huge that it is like a a gunshot to the punisher. To come back from that is difficult. A limper punishing punisher is the best guy to be. Bully the bullies. But if you’re going to do this then your punk ass better come correct. Aces or kings only for this kind of dick swinging move. But me? I’m no limper punishing punisher. That is not my role. I’m not bloody Batman. If I try this you know what happens? He calls my gunshot. I have aces and the punisher has kings. And yet he hits another king on the flop for the set. And so he still wins. The moral here is that if you try to punish a punisher then you can still end up punished. So you’re just a punk limper punisher punisher wannabe and he’s a limper punisher punisher punisher. You thought you were Batman and all along he was fucking Superman. You threw a punch and in return he hit you in the face with laser beams out of his eyes like it was nothing.
The world is a cruel place. Basically if you limp then don’t expect to limp all the way to the bank and never ever try to be Batman. That’s all I wanted to say. That’s my poker tip. That’s the strategy that will lead to the lowest losses possible. Don’t be Batman. Unless you are Batman. But even if you’re Batman if you run into Superman then get the hell out of there fast because his eyes can shoot lasers at you. And what do you have? You have nothing. Even Batman is a punk ass bitch sometimes. Why would Lois Lane go for Batman when she’s had Superman? Superman can heat a bath up with his eyes. And anyway you’re not even Batman. You’re far more lame than Batman. You have to wait for a whole hour for the bath to heat up using plain old electricity. So fold. Forever.
That’s all for today’s lesson folks. We can only hope to one day live in a world where the limpers lose the least amount possible and the swingers win the least amount possible. Then there can be peace and love. May the odds be ever in your favour.