I don’t know. This piece of writing is probably going to be quite negative. It’s time for another therapy session. Many overwhelmingly suffocating thoughts have been occurring lately and this is me giving them their time so that I can hopefully be rid of them. Each thought can be it’s own little mini-blog. It’s similar to when I wrote The Lost Blogs blog. I’ve been saving a series of phrases that have caused me to feel some kind of panic or gloom…
- Pokemon Go. I have never played this game and yet I’ve thought about it a lot. The media has given it much attention. People in the UK were using a workaround to get access to the game before it was even released here. And then it did get released and BOOM. The world changed. I didn’t think I would like the game so wasn’t going to bother but after seeing how big it became I decided to give it a try as I didn’t want to be left out. What if it is the best game ever? However my phone saved me. When I got my Galaxy Note 3 a couple of years ago one of the first things I did was get root access. The only custom thing I wanted to do was to increase the volume of the device above the shockingly low limit Samsung had given it. That’s all I did. And since then I have not been able to update the Android software. I think there’s a way I can manually do it but it looks complicated and I can’t be arsed. Anyway, the point is the software required for the game is Android 4.4 minimum and my phone currently has Android 4.3. So I can’t download it. I thought about getting a new phone as there are other problems too. But I’ve fixed all of the problems now and playing Pokemon Go is the only problem left. Even though I don’t want to play it. This little scenario caused me to panic. It’s the most ridiculous thing in the world and it took up far too much of my thoughts. And that is the world today. Phones, software updates and stupid games. People are walking around like the walking dead looking for a Rattata to capture in an imaginary ball. Businesses and churches are becoming Pokemon Centres and putting offers on to Pokemon Go players. The game fills me with dread. People are shopping and looking at a Pidgey next to a tin of baked beans. It’s utter nonsense and it has taken over the world. This is our generation and this is the future. Who cares about why we’re here when there are Pokemon to catch? This game is like confirmation that nothing matters. We’re a big cosmic joke. It’s an absolute wonder and a mystery that we’re here in this insane Universe and the reason people are exploring it is to obtain a piece of digital information on a stupid smart-phone. Panic attack inducing is what it is.
- I was having a bath. My back was aching. I sneezed. I felt dizzy. And I felt a surge of adrenaline. In what is supposed to be a relaxing situation I felt the fight or flight response. Utterly retarded. Yet these are our limitations. We’re trapped in this flesh and can be subjected to all the maladies it throws our way. Physical and mental illness, injuries, fatigue etc. I have so many things I want to experience and there are so many things to be curious about. Everybody hopes to remain healthy and to be able to live a fulfilling life. But I could slip in the bath, hit my head and slip out of existence in an instant. In these gloomy moments I often think of tragedies. That day I had seen a video on the internet that was basically HD footage of the attacks on the World Trade Centre. I watched this stuff for an hour or two. The first tower burning. The plane hitting the second tower live on the news. People with kids in their living rooms in apartments near the towers watching them crumble live. They would zoom in on the part of the tower the plane hit. They would zoom in on people that were jumping from the heat of the building to plummet to the Earth below. All of them trapped in their flesh prisons. I listened to phone calls from people in the towers calling emergency services. Total fear in their voices as the suffocating heat surrounded them. Until the moment the towers fell and you heard a scream and then a dead phone line. I listened to an air hostess calling people on the ground telling them that the cockpit crew were dead and the plane had been hijacked. She was so calm and gave the information she could. And then she stopped replying as the plane had hit the tower. The whole day of events played on my mind. I imagined the people on the planes scared and wondering what the hijackers wanted. I wonder if they saw the towers ahead at all or if they were dead before they even knew it. I imagined the people in the towers working in their offices like a normal day. I wonder if some of them looked out of the window and saw the plane flying at them or if they were in the inferno before they knew it. I imagined the people in floors above burning. I wonder if they had hope they would be saved at first. I try to imagine how bad it must be to choose to jump out of the window. To jump is certain death in one of the most terrifying ways I can imagine. And there are things like this going on all over the world everyday. One minute you’re watching a film at the cinema, next minute somebody is spraying bullets into your body. One minute you’re attending a parade, next minute a truck is smashing into you. One minute you’re buying some apples, next minute the guy standing next to you is exploding and wiping you off the face of the Earth. One minute you’re the lead singer of Nirvana, next minute you’re so sick of everything that you blow your own head off. It’s so morbid to think of these things. But it is a truth in this mad world. So I sat there in my bath feeling just as trapped as a passenger on a flight heading into the World Trade Centre. They were powerless as they hurtled toward destruction. As am I. Hurtling toward some unknown destruction. As are we all. Most of the time we block these thoughts out. But if you give them some time they can weigh you down. We’re all in the same boat and that is some comfort. But on the other hand it is no comfort at all. I know the answer is to not think like this and to focus on the positives of life and use the uncertainty as a reason to live for today. It is incredibly important to distract yourself. I guess that’s why people play Pokemon. If they need to go to the other side of town to hunt for these imaginary creatures then at least they aren’t imagining the absolute horror of being a passenger on a plane heading into a building.
- I was walking home from work. A man was walking towards me so I made sure not to make eye contact. I never make eye contact with strangers. But I could tell he really wanted to make eye contact. So I sighed inwardly and looked at him. He had a suit on and my impression of this guy was that he was kind. Unbelievably he said “good morning, hope you’re having a great day!” I replied, “good morning, yes thanks and hope you are too”. I had a bag of shopping in each hand but he wanted to give me a leaflet so he popped it into my carrier bag. I mentally rolled my eyes. I knew what the leaflet would be and you can probably guess. I got back home and yes, it was a Jehovah’s Witness leaflet. Typical. That takes the shine off a random “good morning” from a stranger as there is a motive. I read the leaflet. I always do. And you know the thing about religious leaflets these days? They try to use science and logic rather than just Bible passages now. It’s really interesting actually. I guess since science and rationality has quickly been destroying religion over the years they are trying to use the weapons of reason against the reasonable people. They now realise the battle for people’s minds is something they can’t win without some kind of real explanation. I admire how creative they can be. But in summation this is what they do…first they only take one point from the Bible. And on this one point they try to use logical reasoning, historical facts, science and the words from the Bible as some kind of way to prove their point. And the case they make might seem convincing to somebody who is already on their side. But they will always fail when it comes to rational thought. At first glance their argument may seem sound. The historical facts may be debatable and the science may be wishy-washy. Their logic may be flawed and the Bible is a way of proving itself which is bullshit. But together they form some kind of argument. All you do though is attack it from each angle. Prove the history is unproven, show them the science and logic are flawed. And even if in a person’s mind it is still a 50/50 issue on whether atheists are right or the Bible is right on this particular point you can let them have the win and then go through the Bible and pick out hundreds of inaccuracies. So I don’t see how they hope to continue to sway people’s minds when science is only getting stronger and stronger and the Bible is becoming more and more of a joke. It reminds me of Pokemon Go again really. Except instead of a smartphone people are walking around with their heads in the Bible. Both are just distractions from reality. And this leads me on to the next mini-blog.
- Passion. For me lately passion in everything seems to be waning. I know this is a symptom of depression. I understand that I can overcome depression but sometimes I just accept it. People get depressed. I’m one of them. People get over depression. I probably will. But it is what it is at the moment. But passion is waning. I find it hard to focus on an important football match or a great film. I find I don’t care about much at all really. Some days I’m content to speak to nobody and I do nothing but read and play games and piss about on the internet with a few beers. I don’t feel like going out and I have no hobbies. Nothing interests me really. I don’t pay much attention to facebook these days as I don’t really give a shit what people are up to. New car? New house? Awesome holiday? Gone to the gym? Had a nice meal? Took a new selfie? Don’t give a shit. The few perks of having facebook are almost losing against the disadvantages of having to view all the narcissistic insanity on there. It just seems to highlight my lack of passion for anything. My favourite things on facebook are nihilistic memes and satire taking the piss out of anything and everything. But wouldn’t it be nice to have a passion and a hobby? Wouldn’t it be really cool to be a part of a club with like minded people? And this brought me back to the Jehovah’s Witness man. And also I’ve just discovered that my current favourite author (Brandon Sanderson) is a Mormon. Mormons and Scientologists are probably the most stupid of all religious groups I think. But this Sanderson guy is very intelligent. His books are amazing. And I’ve watched him on YouTube giving lectures about creative writing and it’s really insightful. Yet he’s a Mormon. He’s done missionary work abroad. He goes to his church club and he believes in what they preach. It’s incredible. I think this is what some people choose over the truth of science due to them being incapable of processing the truth. I worry I too am incapable of processing the truth. Maybe atheism is partly to blame for my depression. It would be much easier to be happy if I was a member of the Church of the Latter Day Saints or if I joined up with that kind Jehovah’s Witness guy. They offer explanations and purpose. They offer friendship. And they’re all part of something where there is an overall aim. I’m so envious. Joining a church ticks absolutely every box for me with what I need in life right now. Except one. I would have purpose and a hobby and a passion and friends and I wouldn’t be so terrified of being all alone in my flesh prison if I had a connection to the creator and orchestrator of everything. The box it doesn’t tick though is truth. I could never have the passion for something that isn’t true. Part of me has considered ignoring truth. How important is truth really? Life is a journey and does it really matter that there is no heaven and no God if you can be part of a group of people that have some passion and want to do good? Maybe I should join a church anyway and just be part of it for a while. But I know I never could because it would drive me crazy with the fake kindness just to please an imaginary God. It’s not fair that these groups of people get to delude themselves and be happy with false answers to our deepest questions. They must lack faith at times. And as an atheist what I would love to do is to get people to confront the lack of faith they sometimes feel and increase it. I want to convert people away from the nonsense. All atheists should aim to do this for two reasons. Religion with all of its bloodshed and all of its dogma slows down the progress of the human race. Without it we could come up with better games to distract ourselves with than Pokemon Go and we wouldn’t sometimes end up with planes flying into buildings. The second reason is that these people have no right to delude themselves with false happiness when I and others are forced to be content with the depressing truth of reality. I need the Jehovah’s Witness man to wipe the fake kindness off his face and realise that the answers are not so simple if there are any at all. I want him to sit in his bath in despair when he understands as I do. The truth is the Universe is indifferent when it comes to our existence and we are insignificant. It’s not that it wouldn’t hesitate to kill us all with an asteroid as it isn’t evil, it’s just that if it is capable of thinking and acting and an asteroid was on a collision course with Earth it wouldn’t bat an eyelid as it hit us like a white cue ball hitting a green ball and throwing us into a black hole. I’d loved to be a part of a group that spreads good vibes and builds schools in poor places and does a lot of charity work. But when they sing about Jesus saving us all and God loving us it is infuriating. I guess that is something that I have some passion about still.
- Timehop isn’t so great for a chronophobic asshole like me. Everyday it shows me thoughts that I had years ago and I remember them like they were yesterday. I no longer write so many thoughts on facebook due to my lack of passion about anything. Things used to annoy me and bother me on a daily basis so I’d have to write a status to get it off my chest. Now I largely just don’t care. But when I read these thoughts on Timehop I realise that between 8 and 3 years ago I was extremely angry at everything and between 3 and 1 years ago I found some kind of peace. I posted many quotes about inner peace and philosophy. And now I don’t believe many of them either. I still think Buddha was amazing and Buddhism is amazing. I need it right now but struggling to give a shit about it. Maybe all I need is one big meditation session and all of this confusion will fade away and clarity will return. But as I said I am currently embracing my depression and accepting it. However I do have an issue with some of these new-age-second-coming-of-Buddha-wannabees. I thought they were wise and were on the same spiritual journey that I was. Maybe they are. Maybe I’m just too cynical right now. I feel I can see through it as it is all superficial bullshit. They themselves are really just a product. They say wise things in videos and give great advice on how to live life and be happy. Go Vegan, think of others, don’t be materialistic, don’t think about money, live in the present moment etc. And they are always smiling and are living evidence that these methods work. But what are they like off camera? Still all singing and all dancing? Are they really not living this way as it is a job to them and really it is mostly about money? Again, like all spirituality it seems to come to money eventually. Every church prays on our insecurities and seems to do some good for our well being whilst raking in the cash. And every spiritual leader that is independent seems to do the same. Everybody has confusion and everybody wants to be happy. Give the people advice on how to be happy whilst obviously appearing to be happy yourself and also have an online shop where they can buy your books and your t-shirt and pay for one on one life coaching sessions. It reeks of bullshit to me. Buddha gave all of his knowledge for free and seemed to really just want to help people. Unless that was all bullshit and was made up by humans like everything else was. Either way all of these new age wannabe-Buddha’s can do one. Nobody knows anything. We’re all clueless. I’m totally against people acting like they have answers. And over the last couple of years at times I myself have acted like one of these idiots. Thinking I had answers. Hoping I had answers. When really I didn’t have a clue just like always. Just like everybody else. Buddha said search within yourself and don’t listen to others. He even said don’t listen to him. We really are on our own on our journey. There are peaks and troughs, highs and depressions. I know I’m on a downer and that is totally fine. I don’t want to artificially eject myself out of it with the made up nonsense from another. What works for them will not work for me. Inner peace is unique and also elusive. Maybe some of us never find it. But I’d rather that over lies. The truth is too important to pull the wool over my own eyes. The Jehovah’s Witness man looks wise but it’s easy to see through the disguise. Uggh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Maybe I’ll write a rap about it. But I’m done for the day. I know these have been some negative words and I need to slap myself out of it. But it really is ok to just accept the way we actually feel. Just because everybody on social media seems to be having the time of their lives doesn’t mean that they aren’t really just another poor soul in a delicate little flesh prison of their own with no clue about what to do in life in this confusing and chaotic Universe.
Peace and lov…
Contentment and neutrality x