Well bloody hell, it’s been two and a half months since I last posted a blog. Sometimes I can be so withdrawn that I don’t even feel like writing even though that is my best form of communication. I should have wrote about my amazing Las Vegas trip but that didn’t happen. Many times I’ve almost wrote an angry blog just attacking people that do things that annoy me (like people who are so addicted to their mobile phones that they literally cannot even shop without checking Facebook. Seriously, they stand in front of the bread totally struck dumb and unable to think and then they just take their phone out of their pocket and stare at it like zombies. Get the shopping done and then get on with your life, sod your social media shit. Ok, time to get out of this tangent). And I have a politics blog in the pipeline. Oh, also one day I’ll need to write about Israel. But for now I just need to write a bit of self-help to myself.
Lately, as usual, I’ve felt a lack of energy. I have a new idea about what causes me to constantly feel like I have no energy. And it is to do with personality types. We all fall on a spectrum where at one end there is introversion and one end is extroversion. I’m most definitely an introvert. It’s not always true but most of the time I like solitude. I look forward to being on my own and having my own time to do my own simple things like reading my current book or something. Sometimes I like to be around others and do things too but I always seem to need a break from it pretty quickly. Like if I’m with people doing social activities for a couple of days in a row then often it doesn’t matter how great an event can be I would rather have a day away from people. This isn’t unique at all. Many introverted people are this way and the reason for it according to a few things I’ve read is that social interactions drain us. We sort of recharge our batteries when we’re by ourselves and get drained quickly when around others due to listening and concentrating on making an effort to be sociable. Extroverts are the opposite. They are drained when alone as they need other people to sort of charge them up. They need the attention of others and thrive off social encounters. This makes sense for me. It sounds like such an antisocial thing to say and I guess it is but people really do drain me and some more than others. I keep my circle small. Some people that feel like they’re a friend to me don’t actually even know me as I just throw up this bullshit personality for them to interact with whilst staying in my own little bubble deep down. That bullshit personality takes effort. It’s a constant act. There are only a few who I don’t feel like I have to act with and so that’s why for me I feel like I have hardly any friends. I’m not sad about this – it’s just the way I am. When I’m on my own I’m mostly happy. It’s not like I feel alone in those moments. I feel a more deep sense of loneliness in the grand scheme of life but it’s not about solitude and more about lack of a connection to anything forever. That’s something else though. Being on my own in a flat for a day is cool and I love it. Being alone in the Universe forever sucks haha.
None of this stuff I’ve re-realised is new but it does give me a better understanding of why I feel such a lack of energy. I have a job where I have to interact with people all of the time. The bubble needs to constantly be shielded by the bullshit personality. The words out of my mouth need to be pleasant and cheery whilst the words in my head are often anything but. Being fake leads to being angry and that leads to being exhausted. My job has also recently changed. I no longer work nights. I was happy to be moving to more sociable hours as I really got sick of sleeping when the Sun was up and being awake when it was dark. But now I’m on less money, do less hours, have more social interaction and need to get to know a whole new bunch of people whilst heading into a busy business period. And ridiculously I seem to have people looking to me for guidance. I don’t want to lead lol. I know my future is not where I am now. I had the crap job that I stayed at for far too long following University. I needed to step away from that and almost anything was a bonus as long as I got away and I did. I stepped sideways. And now it’s nearly time for the next move. This move doesn’t need to be upwards for me. I want a job that I can do and not have to clock watch and wish to high heaven that I wasn’t there. I need to be able to afford to live but I don’t need much. I don’t have much ambition either really. I just don’t want to be bored or drained. Is that so much to ask the Universe for? I’m a good employee. But I don’t know what to do. There are some career types that I can just scratch off easily. I don’t want to sell things for example. I don’t want to even think much about profit and that limits me because all this world cares about is money. I really need a good think about this as I want to find a job that I can be moderately happy doing and stay at it for a long while. It would be nice to find that.
I’ll save my writing for another time when energy levels are higher I guess. For now I have a couple of more hours to enjoy being by myself before work. I probably will get the anger out with a blog attacking everybody who has annoyed me soon. And I definitely want to write about politics and how crazy things have become. Donald Trump, seriously? Wow, 2016 will be looked back upon as a turning point that’s for sure. I’ll save it for a rainy day. Peace x
Current TV programme: Black Mirror – incredible, everybody please watch it
Current book: Mistborn: The Alloy of Law – 2016 has been all about Brandon Sanderson for me
Current music: Chance the Rapper – If gospel and soulful music had a baby with hip hop they would create the sound of this guy who is one of the few mainstream artists today in rap worth listening to