February 14th 2017. Valentine’s Day. I always have the same little rant about this calendar event but in reality if things were different for me with the whole love thing then I’d probably be a stupid, romantic asshole for the day like many others. It is a con and a load of bullshit and just people conforming to the norms of society for the benefit of retailers and restaurants but I guess if it brings some pleasure then what the hell eh? Buy a card, and the overpriced-and-certain-to-die flowers and some chocolates and the teddy and have a meal. It’s all good fun.
Youth fades for us all and the blessing and curse of this is that we gain experience and wisdom. Wisdom is sometimes a hindrance but there’s no denying truth so it must be accepted. I’ve always had this stupid dumbass belief in an idealistic type of love. Like it’s a once in a lifetime thing that will blow your mind and change you forever. All of the films and all of the songs are right. There will be a fateful day where you have a random encounter with The One and everything will make sense and you can be happy for the rest of your days with all problems and triumphs shared until the end of time. Even possibly beyond this Earthly existence. Where an unbreakable bond with your soulmate completes you as you build a home and a life together. I guess for some currently under the spell this has so far been true and maybe it will last forever. Reality is what your mind makes it. If you can believe it then it can be real. Our experiences dictate what we can believe. It can cause a loss of belief. And then you start to see the whole thing as a joke. You see the emotion for the temporary insanity that it is as chemicals are firing off in your brain when in the presence of The One. You understand the delusion you give yourself and the trap that you willingly walk into to ensure that you have children with this other human you have chosen against your will. This doesn’t mean that you have to be pessimistic about things. You can enjoy the madness of it all whether you see an illusion or something real. A joke does not have to be truthful for it to be funny or enjoyable.
I admit though that I preferred it when I believed in the illusion. The potential pain is a risk worth taking for the chance at something that will fix everything. Even though nobody can really fix anything for anybody but themselves. There are benefits though when shedding this idealistic philosophy of love. For example I no longer believe that it’s a once in a lifetime occurrence. It’s rare but can happen multiple times in a lifetime. And the craziest thing of all is that if or when it happens or has happened again I believe you will forget to remember that it’s all an illusion. It will be the same old shit that you ended up believing last time but you’ll forget and believe that last time was a mistake and not the real thing but this new thing is the first time ever that it is actually totally the real thing. Just like when we’re born we forget that we’ve been born before and life is just a circle and we’ve been through all of this infinite times already yet we believe that this life is the one true life and all we have. It’s also similar to a panic attack. When we’re in a panic attack we think we’re having a heart attack and are about to pass out and die any second. This one is not a panic attack this time like all of the others – this one is real. Until we remember that panic attacks are powerful illusions and we calm down and laugh about it until the next time. Only the current panic attack matters. Only the current moment matters. Love is panic inducing.
So we carry on. In search of something we’ll never find until we find it and not realise it because that wasn’t what we were looking for. And when we find what we weren’t looking for we’ll swear to ourselves that we were looking for that exact thing, that exact person with all of their qualities and flaws. It’s all random and inevitable. If you feel alone that will change because your own brain will change your reality. If you’re with The One then there is still a potential Two, Three and Four out there if it all goes FUBAR with One. There is something comforting about the loss of belief in favour of truth. It can all feel so powerful when we’re caught up in the spell. But whenever you step on Lego with bare feet that too can feel powerful in that moment. That too shall pass.
So I know more than I ever did before. When younger I thought I knew it all like I was born with a fountain of knowledge and all of my beliefs were unwavering and would stand the test of time. And time did indeed pass until I realised that I knew nothing and still know nothing and will never understand or know much about anything but maybe just knowing a little more is good enough. In thirteen years time I could look back on these words and throw my head back whilst roaring with laughter at the absurdity of it all just like I can look back thirteen years now and do the same. Wisdom is relative and we reach certain branches upon the tree of knowledge at different rates. Some hang around on the lower branches content and happy swinging about with no direction whilst some race to the top and fall and crash back to Earth. None of it really matters. Every direction is neither right or wrong.
I found that dreams can die but they can also be resurrected. Despair can overcome hope but never truly win. I can feel things I’ve felt in the past in present situations and it gives hope at the same time it terrifies me. I can feel myself slip into my old ways. My hands urge to write absurd things. My brain dreams up vivid and crazy dreams. Aimless hopes gain focus and direction as chemicals are exploding against my will. I realise that love is bullshit. But so is a panic attack. Both still convince us of their power in the present though even though we can look back on the past and see through it all. Both also give an absurd hope for the future. Resurrected dreams can die too but we can choose to ignore this piece of knowledge. All of this unique crap has happened before and will happen again. The words we write, the songs we listen to, the films we watch all prove this. Every human throughout history has been captivated by love multiple times. Maybe the next time you feel that magnetism around another human will be the one hundred trillionth time it has happened since we evolved into our current format. But for you that doesn’t make it any less powerful or real right now as you look at this other human and pin all of your hopes and dreams on them whilst hoping they don’t stamp on them, laugh and then run away without a care in the world. And today we celebrate the madness of it all. Fuck the shops and the meals and the presents and all of that shit. Be stupid and dare to dream for a while. Nothing will be ok. Nothing is ever ok at some point. But right now maybe it is and good luck to you with it. Good luck to us all. God knows we bloody need it.
Happy Valentine’s Day fellow believers in absurdities x