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Life is but a dream

26/02/07

So yeah, I gotta get a job. This blog is to talk myself into believing that I really have to do it…otherwise I might just think about getting a job and not actually do it. Then I’d be up shit’s creek with no paddle.

You see, somehow, I have £400 left of my overdraft with 3 rents to pay (£624) by April. Then I need money for food and the general cost of living. Going out drinking, buying games and CDs and visiting certain cities to see certain awesome people is just bloody out of the question now. Cuz D-Cold don’t know how to say no to a pint lol. Or a takeaway.

So you look at them figures and you don’t need a Maths degree to realise I’m left with no options. So even though I’m a lazy ass and can’t really be bothered to do my degree, I need to work on top of that. Christ almighty. But it ain’t that bad I guess. Get to meet a few new people, and I’ll have money and that makes such a difference! I’ll go to Sheffield and Hull for defo with cash and maybe even the very expensive capital city of this fine country. I’ll buy loads of stuff that I want, I’m sick of having to put things back on the shelf cause I can’t afford it. I’ll be able to go out and not worry about how much I’m spending….proper down some pints, spirits and shots like a crazy person then party till I pass out somewhere haha.

So I gotta write a CV this week, look around and do it! What a blag that is. Also got a Maths presentation to do tomorrow…since me and some other dude did the least work we have to do a 25min presentation to some people on population dynamics between the two of us. That’s a bit scary but fuck it.
Class tests coming up aswell. It’s all pretty stressful especially with no money to get any beer to drink it all away lol.

But my whole outlook on life is changing now, I feel loads better. I can deal with all this crap now. I’ve said it many times but I really have got some awesome friends that give great advice and now I’m starting to feel like the old me again. “What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger”. I feel a lot stronger, like nobody can bring me down now. I’ve felt real low and the only way is up from now on. Crazy people? Fuck ’em. I have no time for pathetic individuals anymore. I was one of them till I picked up the courage to open my frigging eyes. What’s the point in sitting and looking for certain answers and trying to find true happiness when it doesn’t exist? Not like that anyway. That ain’t a depressing thing either, things are more fun that way, more interesting. I think I’ve finally let go of the idea of fate. It’s cool if anybody believes in fate, it’s a cool concept. But it blinds you I think. You believe something will happen, so you wait for it to happen, then it turns out to be the biggest waste of time and energy ever and you regret it all so much. But once it’s over it can never happen again, cause you learn and next time you won’t be so stupid. You’ll put your faith in something more worthwhile, and everything will be cool.

I like to think of life as a river. You have all the shite where it’s very rocky, fast paced and shallow at the start of the river just like life. Then it starts to calm down and you gently meander downstream and it’s more peaceful with more depth. In the end, we’re all heading for the same destination (the sea! lol) but it’s not about the destination, it’s about the fucking journey ain’t it? Yeah I reckon.

How the hell did I get that deep into stuff when I just wanted to moan about my lack of financial power these days? Lol. Daydreaming. I’m so tired, gonna change the CD and get a cup of tea me thinks. And a meat feast pizza. Chill out a l’il bit for a while. Got some homework aswell but I’m really tired, might get up and do it in the morning if I do it at all lol. Then I’m gonna be a busy muthafucker for the rest of the week.

One day at a time and all that crap though eh? Haha, I better stop rambling now, so untill the next time I feel like writing a load of shit here, peace out to all you sexy bastards out there lol

The D xxx

PS: Aaaww just had a cool text, I gotta go to Birmingham aswell now lol

 

Church of Scientology

14/05/07

Firstly, watch the South Park episode on my profile. Its funny as fuck and if you don’t know much about Scientology that will fill you in. I didn’t know that much about it until I watched it at a mate’s house a while ago. Then I saw it again the other day and tonight I watched Panorama and that was about somebody investigating Scientology. And I think it is so fucked up…
How can people be that stupid? How can they really believe that Lord Xenu (an evil galactic warlord) 75 million years ago tried to reduce the population by bringing them to Earth, putting them in volcanoes, dropping bombs on them, then catching their souls? Just, what the fuck? It is ridiculous. It was invented by some science FICTION writer called L. Ron Hubbard, obviously the key word is invented. Some people thought he was totally out of his mind and just paranoid. I agree!
They give you stress tests and tell you you’re fucked up. Then use e-meters to get rid of negative energy. You also confess a lot during these sessions and if you ever try to leave the “church” or criticize it in anyway, they use your confessions against you. More on that in a second lol. You pay money for these sessions and go up OT levels (the highest is VIII at the moment and you have to go on a ship in the middle of the ocean to get it, and there will be a level IX once they expand) and this is supposed to make you happier. They also tell you the secrets of their “religion”. This is not to be passed on to non-members of the church, infact, the tests are to show you will be loyal, they target certain people.
It’s obviously a load of shit, but they have their followers. It’s one huge con and it definately is a cult and not a religion in my opinion. This isn’t an attack on people’s beliefs…because it’s not their fault. They brainwash people and exploit them and it’s fucking sick. If anyone else watched the Panorama thing tonight you would have also seen how they followed the journalist everywhere. They wouldn’t let him interview anybody who would say a bad word against it, they even made their own documentary in retaliation trying to discredit the whole investigation. Anybody who is against their church, they try to ruin their lives. They dig up anything to use against people.  And this cult is spreading because more and more people are just looking for answers and willing to accept anything. It doesn’t help when you get dickhead celebrities promoting all this neither, then it starts to become cool and idiots copy them.
It’s fucking crazy and I think some people should go through all their tests, pay the money, go up levels, find out all about it and gather evidence undercover and expose this global con to all the others that have been brainwashed. Damn, I’d even do it myself if I knew how and had the money and resources lol.
I just fucking hate Scientology and I hate the way that they try to censor people that know it’s a load of bollocks. The few people that follow it need to wake up. Why is it censored when it gets bad publicity? Cause they may lose followers and lose money. If it was a genuine religion based on faith they wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about money or how many followed it, they’d just get on with it. You could say all religion is like Scientology really but that’s another story and Scientology is so stupid that I don’t understand how anyone can believe it. I mean, Lord Xenu? Get real! Shove your silent births up your arse aswell cause how can you expect silence when it’s painful?
John Travolta and Tom Cruise should just come out of the damn closet and wake up.
Fuck Scientology. Censor that you fucking dickheads. You promote peace and a good, happy life? Yet if anyone crosses you you make their life hell? Stop charging people to go up bloody levels and I would still think it’s pathetic but I wouldn’t hate you as much lol.
Sorry about the rant there, I just really needed to say all that cause it is fucked up and I don’t understand it. It’s so messed up. It’s evil.
Peace and love x

 

Hip Hop is Dead

03/06/07

 

I’ve loved hip hop for what feels like forever. But it’s so dead now. I’d love to know how it happened and what went wrong.
There’s been so many good rappers that I’ve listened to over the years but there’s also been overrated rappers and a lot of rappers that are just shit. Now it’s mostly just shit.
They all want to copy Tupac and Biggie, so they write songs about similar things to them. When they all do this it means most songs are pretty much the same. They follow a set formula: get some girl to sing a catchy chorus and rap about money, drugs, sex and being the hardest muthafucker ever. It’s cool to be cocky and make other people look stupid in your raps as long as it’s witty and clever, but just saying nobody should fuck with you cause you’re a “boss” is lame as fuck.
Every artist you listen to has similar beats, and says exactly the same stuff. It’s so boring. It’s taken me ages to admit this, I tried to defend it for a long time but I was wrong. Most hip hop totally sucks now.
Eminem is untouchable in my eyes. He’s good lyrically and will rap about anything. He truely loves hip hop and doesn’t give a shit about money anymore, just does it cause he wants to. So he’s off the shitlist lol.
Nas is awesome. He doesn’t follow the trend, he’s just himself. And he talks about lot’s of stuff, he’s very intelligent and a good storyteller. So he’s off the shitlist.
Pretty much every other well known rapper is crap. I used to love 50 Cent when Get Rich or Die Trying came out, and I defended the Massacre. It did have some good songs but I can now admit that it wasn’t very good and since then it’s gone downhill. After hearing his next single Amusement Park off the new album Curtis…damn. It’s maybe the worst song I’ve ever heard. It will be all over the music channels soon and you will know what I mean. He uses an amusement park as a way to describe sex. Clever eh? Roller coasters that go up and down and round and round! *Yawns”. And the way it rhymes is so basic that a 5 year old kid could write it, seriously. Go to www.myspace.com/50cent and listen to it. For a bonus 10 points try and last to the end of the song before you fall asleep lol.
Jay Z’s album Kingdom Come is utter shit.
Snoop Dogg is fucking terrible with his RnB shit.
Tupac is still having albums released and while some of them after his death were good, now they are just scraping the barrel.
I’ve lost track of the amount of shit that comes out, I don’t even know the rappers that are in the charts these days. Once upon a time I knew about them all, now I couldn’t care less. I’ve left it behind and moved onto other genres of music where there is some creativity instead of bloody marketing schemes.
But then I started listening to some new stuff that I hadn’t heard before. Stuff from UK artists Akala, Plan B and others. They are well good. And then this dude Immortal Technique who refuses to sign a record deal because of the corporate dickheads that are running hip hop. He is so political and believes in freedom of speech. His rhymes are very clever, even educational. The stories, theories, problems, solutions, historical facts and quick-witted punch lines are mesmerising. He’s maybe the best rapper I’ve ever heard, lyrically at least anyway.  It’s such a breath of fresh air and has shown me that hip hop doesn’t have to die. If more rappers stopped following trends and started being an actual person instead of a persona with the image of a gangsta, it could be great again. Fuck the girls in the videos on MTV, fuck the gold chain, fuck getting shot 9 times, fuck selling crack on the street corner, fuck going to prison, fuck all that stupid shit. All you need is one mic, a pen and a pad and a heart full of passion and a brain full of ideas.
Hip hop will either go further into decline until it’s dead completely or there will be a revolution and all the talent will come back to the genre. I hope it changes, cause I love it and I’ve missed it lol.

“Technique chemically unstable, set to explode
foretold by the dead sea scrolls written in codes
so if your message ain’t shit, fuck the records you sold
cuz if you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck
it just means that a million people are stupid as fuck
stuck in the underground in general and rose to the limit
without distribution managers, a deal, or a gimmick
Revolutionary Volume 2, murder the critics
and leave your fucking body rotten for the roaches and crickets” – Immortal Technique, Industrial Revolution.

Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say. I’ll never buy a shit hip hop album again, and I won’t listen to the simple corny A-A, B-B rhyme schemes about being a gangsta that keeps getting re-packaged on a new artist and played on every channel. Fuck that shit, fuck that shit hard in the ass twice man.
Peace x

 

Breaking Down the Walls

21/08/07

Yo. I’m bored but can’t really do anything cuz I dont feel that well today, Im dead tired for some reason. Last night was good but I didnt drink that much, dunno what the fuck is up with me today lol.

Anyways, I got some shit to write about. I was watching this programme the other day about Islam and stuff and it got me thinking. Islam has a really bad image in the media these days and its understandable but also wrong (although it does say in the Quran “Be not a friend of Christian or Jew” lol). The extremists causing all the problems are a minority and most of them are like most others that have religious beliefs…they mean well. They’re just maybe misguided but that’s down to the individual and not the religion.

I reckon it’s good to know about religion even if you dont believe in it since its very important to a lot of people in the world. It’s causing a lot of problems and thats always been the case. I dont get why people cant just believe what they believe and leave others alone, but instead people try and force their shit on you. Its the way of the world I guess. Its a complicated subject and there’s no way everyone can agree really, its a shame it has to lead to war and stuff though.

But anyways, save the whole saving the world shit for another day. This is going to be a good blog in favour of Islam lol. Cause if (and that is a huge fucking if) any religion is right, it’s most likely to be Islam I think. Islam is older than Christianity for a start, (2017 edit, so wrong dumbass) the Christians jumped on the bandwagon and starting changing things, it’s too corrupt, it was born out of greed for power and control. And Islam and Judaism both agree that Jesus was not the son of God. Don’t shoot me or anything but I completely agree. And not cause I don’t believe in Jesus and what he did. But, Jesus actually prays to God and stuff and if he was God then why the hell would he pray to Him? When they crucified him, a lot of people just assumed God let him die for us and that saved us, but like the programme I watched said, God is supposed to be loving and forgiving, why would He need a human sacrifice just so He could be ok with us? Can you imagine God in human form? God having a shit and stuff as a human? It seems a bit mad. And if He did, why hasnt He done it again? Hell, the world’s real fucked up right now so we could use that lol. Jesus never said he was the son of God, and if he did then I reckon it was took out of context and he meant he was His son like we all are. Cause He’s the Father, right? And for anyone that read the Da Vinci Code, we know that the Romans made Jesus out to be something he really wasn’t to spearhead their campaign for control, and to stop people rebelling against the empire cause of different beliefs. Makes sense if the whole empire followed the same religion right? So thats what happened. They worshipped the sun before so our new sabboth became sunday! Lol, they change everything, edited the Bible (the Quran has had less editing and stuff, maybe it is actually the word of God? Lol, probably not but it’s a lot closer than the Bible) and all that stuff is why Chrisitianity is wrong I think. But it was a good idea and in people’s desire for answers they ate it up like a starving African presented with a tasty cheeseburger. I might start a religion one day, if it catches on it is one hell of a way to get rich and make yourself loved lol. Cause we are all united by needing to know where we came from, why we’re here and where we’ll eventually end up aren’t we?

Islam also has more recent shit in it. Like Muhammad who was the last prophet. He died in 632AD. Christians, Jews and all similar religions haven’t had anything to sing about since the days of virgins giving birth to babies.

The location of where all this crazy shit happened also makes me think that Islam is the most likely religion to be right. Jerusalem and that area is in the middle east and there are lots of Jews and Muslims there, it’s always been that way. The western world (that had nothing to do with it) is predominantly Christian. Like, what the fuck do we know? Our ancestors were nowhere near this shit! Lol. Plus, America is largely Christian. That puts me off it all on it’s own right there. Who would bet that America with their big city lights, their McDonalds and Coca Cola and celebrity driven world, would also have the right answers where religion is concerned? It’s bullshit.

Our image of Jesus is that he was white. Thats bullshit. We dont know much about him at all, its all been tainted and its all bullshit. He could have married Mary Magdalene and nobody can say he didn’t just cause of the Bible, thats not proof, especially when her gospel was taken out of it. She was instrumental in starting the Christian faith and what thanks did she get? Women were screwed by the church she pretty much founded. I dont wanna get into all the Da Vince Code stuff though, cuz I think that is based on a lot of theory and not accurate at all. But some of the things it says totally makes sense.

One common idea is that there will be an anti-christ and there will be some end of the world shit going down at some point in the future. The Quran goes into a lot more detail into all this stuff and would look totally stupid if it turned out to be wrong about any of it. I think in a way, it’s more confident that it’s right. If there is an anti-christ, bring it on. We need something like that to happen and I would happily be sorry about being wrong if I fucked up. But blame my environment for influencing me. And God should blame himself for making my brain have no faith in fairytales.

It’s all interesting though ain’t it? You gotta love it. I used to believe in it all, I think it was mainly cause I just wish it was all true. It would be cool in some ways. But then, I wouldn’t wanna be a slave either. I think science has a lot of answers, but not all of them. There are gaping holes in it that need filling in. You could just be happy to let religion fill in the gaps and believe a bit of both, I tried that too. But that doesn’t work for me neither. I mean, yes there was a big bang and all life started from that little moment and all that. They can explain how every element was formed except hydrogen and helium. There’s reasons for everything, everything is made of atoms and it is all amazing really, it’s just luck how we’re here. The odds of life being created from it all are really high when you consider that anything can happen in the vastness of space and time, but the odds of it being us were close to zero so we’re all a bunch of lucky muthafuckers. You could say it needed a designer…but that’s just arguing for the sake of it, maybe it didn’t need a designer. And why design Earth with all of us on it but then have nothing in the rest of space? What a waste. Plus, why didn’t He just make people perfect if we’re in His image? None of it makes sense to me. But I’m getting into all my beliefs too much now and I didn’t want to do that. I don’t whole heartedly believe anything really, I’m not an atheist at all though. Like even science can’t tell us why there was a big bang and what there was before that. Has time always been ticking? Was the universe just a ridiculously heavy particle floating about once upon a time? Why was it there like that? Why did it explode into the universe? Was there ever a point when there was absolutely nothing and things just began? Or has shit always been going on? Is all this destiny? Do I have a destiny? Am I even in control of my own life? When (if! haha) I die, what the fuck is going to happen to my soul? Do I even have a soul? Or is it just my brain and once that dies I’m gone forever? Is death like the year 1985 was for me? Or is there some paradise that I could get to? Does it even matter? Why do I give a fuck? These questions are mind blowing and I could sit here all day and mindfuck myself into oblivion. And I can see how all that confusion can lead people to accepting religion, then you feel at peace with the world cause you believe you know something and you have faith that you’re hope will lead you down the right path. But, what about if you can’t accept anything? What do you believe then? How are you supposed to live out your life when you know nothing!? Damn it. Lol. And, if I knew the answers, would that do any good? It would take the mystery out of life I guess. You know what I think? One of the main things about life is being on a journey and finding out more about what you actually think about all this stuff. When you think you know, then you’re at peace and you’ve accomplished something pretty cool. Cause then you can just ride the waves and chill the fuck out and watch everything unfold if you believe in destiny or fight for things if you think everything is about taking life’s opportunities as and when they come. We have to fight and watch anyways, but in the back of your mind, you have to question whether any of it is worth anything. I do anyway. We’re all lost, but at least we’re lost together. Aawww lol.

My actual point to that huge paragraph was this: if religion and beliefs can cause so much problems for a single person, no wonder it’s fucking the world up. When you have 6 billion muthafuckers all trying to get their heads around it all and imposing there shit on others, that easily creates enough disagreement for war, and people will die for this shit and that’s why it’s very dangerous and why we should try to understand it. They’re not teaching RE as much as they used to these days. That is a mistake in my opinion. We need to know this stuff, and it doesn’t hurt anybody to know the 10 commandments and stuff. Nobody can say that religious beliefs don’t mean well. Maybe one day the world will see that it just needs to agree to disagree. We’re all stuck on this spinning rock together, we might aswell get along. And if people’s beliefs are wrong, then they will deal with the consequences themselves, and that could be much worse than what people could do to you. So extemists may have the last laugh, though I doubt it.

I just felt like writing some of these thoughts down. Don’t hate on me for it though lol. I value other people’s opinions loads so feel free to tell me where I’m wrong or whatever. If you give a shit anyway. Anyways, I’m tired. I’ll continue with this eternal debate within me another day lol. That was a huge blog! Shit. Dead good. So yeah, I doubt anyone read it all, it’s a bit much even for me lol. Fuck it for now.

War and hate x

 

My Review of Reviews

03/11/07

This is a rant, I’m sorry. If you ain’t in the mood for a rant then save yourself the effort now and don’t read another word. Peace and love x

BUT….I just don’t understand everyone’s goddamn problem sometimes. It seems like everybody on the internet whether just some random person or some writer for a big website or magazine is so negative about music these days. I read quite a lot or reviews for things, sometimes I’m interested to see what others think of the things I’m into, or sometimes I’m interested in getting into a band but don’t really know them so I need other opinions before I go out and buy, since I’m broke and can’t afford to gamble. But I don’t know why I bother. If I think an album is shit, I could read about 10 reviews and 9 of them would probably agree and say it’s shit. Cool. Or I could like an album and I could read 10 reviews and 9 of them would disagree and say it’s shit. I’m like…ok, whatever. I could absolutely love an album, maybe even think it’s the best album I’ve heard in ages and on another level, I could go on t’internet, read 10 reviews and fuck me in the ass twice what would I find? Yep, 9 of them would say it’s shit. I’m stunned. I could have 10 ace albums, read 10 reviews for all of them and 90 out of them 100 reviews would probably say it’s shit. Maybe I don’t know the band but have heard good things off a few friends so I read a review…shit shit shit, friends must be talking shit cause the CD is shit, so don’t buy it. Yeah but…it sort of sounds amazing, are you sure it’s shit? YES, IT’S ALL FUCKING SHIT.

It’s starting to annoy me. So how about this: your reviews are shit. Just cause they’re writing for a big website with a reputation and the muthafucker has a degree in English they think they know everything. Why do they say this stuff is shit? Reasons are always the same: not as good as the last album, things sound out of place, doesn’t really work, no emotion, crap lyrics, boring, sell outs etc etc. They ain’t got a clue half the time. I swear these people spend too much time analysing stuff to know whether anything is good or not. What has music got to do to impress people these days? Has a mouth got to come out of the speakers and start sucking your dick while you listen? Would you rate it higher then? Dickheads.

And some people are just ridiculous with their scores: “I hate this band now, they’ve ruined everything so I’d give them -100”. -100? Hmmm, that’s pretty low. It’s pretty impossible, pretty immature and pretty stupid. And you have people who say things like: “yeah, the album was quite good for the first six songs and I was impressed but then I heard track 7 and it just ruined the whole thing so the whole album is actually just the shittest thing I have ever heard”. That is rather pathetic now isn’t it? Six out of seven songs good, one bad and you give up the band as a lost cause? Christ, it must suck to be like that where an album needs a 100% good song ratio or else it’s the shittest thing ever.

And another thing that gets me is people always saying that a new album doesn’t have the same quality as an older album, like it doesn’t give you the same feeling that an older album gave you. Yes, that could be totally true but it is also completely unfair. How can you compare an album that has just come out to something you have been listening to for ages? An older album has that nostalgic feel to it, certain songs may bring back vivid memories of amazing times you had. How the hell is something new supposed to compete against your memories when it hasn’t had chance? You have to listen to an album a few times, then if you like it listen to it whenever you feel like and gradually as time goes on that special thing happens where you could be walking past a baker’s at Christmas, smell some amazing food whilst it starts to snow and you could see an amazing girl looking at you from across the street and you suddenly think: “shit, this reminds of that song!”. So then you play that song on your iPod and the world is fucking amazing and it’s because of that song. What a song that is! It must be the best song ever to make you feel that way. Then the next week you buy the new CD offering from that same band because of that Amazing Song off that Amazing Album and you listen to the new CD and the songs are ok but they only seem like songs cause afterall that is all they are. And you like them but are mega disappointed because they don’t compare to that Amazing Song that reminds you of Christmas and the tasty, good smelling food and the beautiful girl across the street, because they are just songs, just a guitar, drums and lyrics, nothing special. So then you go on the internet, say the band has lost it’s touch, sold out and are now shit and you give them a score of -100 like a pathetic little kid who was promised the world but only got a CD. But then, after listening for a few months through gritted teeth and bitterness you realise that you were too hard and you’re a fucking dumbass because now these songs remind you of that time in July when you were on a beach sipping a bacardi and coke and enjoying the feel of the sea breeze whilst a load of babes in bikini’s were walking past you all day long. Then you change your review to a reasonable 8 out of 10. Not a 9, gods no! You don’t want to seem like you underestimated it too much right?

Fucking shallow bastards who don’t know shit. I’m not even reading your shit anymore cause you talk out of your arse with your stupid, crap, bitter, unfair, idiotic, ignorant ass reviews.

We are all reviewers of music whether we write them down and give them a score or not. And this rant isn’t aimed at everyone, not even nearly. If you think an album is shit, cool. It’s just sometimes people should take their heads out of the clouds, stop listening to hype and lower their standards cause not even God could make a piece of music that will please these certain types of people.

So there is my review of people that review CD’s. And the ironic thing is that whilst I’m dissing  people for being negative my review is also as negative as hell haha. It’s a negative world I guess. Fuck it, it’s all good.

Peace out x

 

Perfect Chaos

13/11/07

[This is for you.]

[But you’re not ready. Jump onto the line of best fit, dismiss the outlier. You have been warned.]

[You can’t fuck with this. Get a cuppa tea and enter my theme park of bullshit.]

[Or go away]

Hhhmmm. I’ve been in bed all day, fighting this bug. Missed my first lecture, it was inevitable. But that means I’ve been left all day with just my thoughts and surely that is not a good thing. Not when you’re me. Where is this going to go? Actually, you know what? Screw this…

Well, normally this paragraph is taken up by a load of bullshit that I couldn’t even careless about. I never remember this part of my blogs cause it’s there for no reason whatsoever, except that I just don’t like to plunge straight into my true thoughts. Plus, if it was that easy to read some of the shit that I write, more people could end up knowing how fucked up I am cause they’d be more likely to read it. If I wanted it read by everyone and made to be public knowledge, I’d put the shit on facebook. Everyone is there thesedays (I’m a bit gutted about that, I loved myspace but the switchover is now inevitable, I have hardly any real friends that use myspace now, it’s like a ghost town. I remember the days I’d log in and have a shitload of people to talk to. Not now *cries*. What will piss me off is if in future everybody ditches facebook for something else new. Anyway, let’s not get lost here). But I stick it here where it may get read, or may not (sometimes, I don’t even put it on myspace, or maybe I set it to private). I like the chance of it all. Somebody COULD read this and relate, somebody COULD read this and think I’m a prick. I like that. Plus someday I may write something that will maybe get me locked up, or something. People get freaked out too easy, whereas I can just laugh at the sickest jokes ever because they are just jokes. Never mind the goddamn content, ask yourself, did it make you laugh? That’s it. Lighten up. And if it freaks you out, look away, change the channel, turn the page, switch it off, do whatever. Just don’t complain. You have no right to. Freedom of speech muthafucker.

Ants are interesting creatures. They all have roles to play. The ever-fucking ANT. They remind me of people lol. And cockroaches will inherit the Earth one day. I can’t believe roaches can live without their head, that’s some pretty funky shit.

I was thinking about alcohol earlier and how when your a kid, it isn’t really thought about that much and then one day something happens and everyone is drinking and it seems like we need the stuff. This is weak. Following the crowd. Sometimes we feel like we are leading but we are not. Alcohol is going to be a big problem for our generation. It is out of control. It seemed like nothing to down a few litres of cider back when I was 14 but over the years that shit must be building up, and after seeing firsthand what it can lead to, I have been trying to get it under control. Totally. I can go all week without drinking at all even if everyone else is. I’m still like everyone else though, weekend comes, let’s get wasted. A day will come when this will change I guess but for now, fuck it. It’s just good that I’ve thought about this. But whatever, leave it to the politicians. People like me have no place in politics. Pull me another pint. Kill me, slowly. And I’ll pay you to do it whilst dancing to this new shitty music that everyone is into. Life goes tits up, and we PAY money for it. Haha. It’s hilarious. I just thought I’d speak true for a change instead of going “yeah, can’t wait to go out and get wasted this weekend” like everybody else. Although, that is also true. I’m totally full of shit. I love my Stella, I just acknowledge that I’m a dumbass.

A, b, c, d, E. The magic fucking E. Did anyone else do that alphabet thing when they were little? Like, E was the magic elephant and M was munching mike? Clever cat, silly snake and all that silly shit? Haha. It seems like a life time ago yet it was only 15 measly years. Yet last Christmas seems like it was yesterday, and it’s almost time to throw the deco’s up yet again. Time is funny. It goes by fast yet seems so long. We are all outdone by size though. We get an average of 76 years, and the world is 4.5 billion years old and time itself is infinite. Why do we get 76 years when we can make little impact, no impact even? Maybe it’s cause there is no meaning to anything, it’s all random. Maybe I’m missing the point. What kills me, is that in 1000 years time the point may then be a known fact and I won’t be around to know what it is. But maybe I will be around. They could make a drug that stops the ageing process. Imagine that. The drug would cost so much, cause there would be limited supply and you wouldn’t want everyone living forever cause that would fuck up the environment. Geographers would tell you that a non-existant death rate would be a huge fuck up. Being cryogenically frozen is the answer. I’m greedy. I love time, I love to know things, I love to laugh. I love memories and everything, I love sleeping on a cold, rainy morning. Why should that all go to waste and have to end? Just cause some dumb bitch did what a snake “said” and took a bite from an apple, that means that I have to die? What a bitch. What a heartless bitch, she has killed every fucker that has ever lived cause she wanted to taste a frigging apple! But the other side of the coin to the whole living forever thing is that with infinite time, nothing is interesting at all. What enjoyment would you get out of getting married and having kids for the 569th time? Church dude would say: “do you take this woman to be your wife?”. You would answer: “might as well, fuck it”. You could live 50 years in every country in the world until you’re bored and then you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself. It would be a curse. So maybe I’ll do a u-turn and say I’m glad she ate the bloody apple cause instead of 76 years of chasing happiness I would have had an unbelievable amount of boredom forever and ever. That’s interesting. But I know which I’d pick. I’d pick time over love, waste it all on bullshit and when I’d finally had enough I’d go and see what awaits in our final adventure.

(Infinite time would give equal amounts of pleasure and pain. It would be the ultimate balance. Finite time will give us varying amounts of both depending on our choices, but in the end it will still balance. You can’t know pleasure without pain, so true. With no negatives there are no positives.)

(The thing about anxiety is that I sometimes get the feeling of being on a roller coaster whilst sitting watching tv. You’d think that was funny, but it isn’t.)

Yeah, that was a corkscrew! My head feels dizzy…

So. Anyway. I have felt recently like someone was tugging at me and trying to bring me down, turns out it was myself fucking myself over, it almost always is. But I also feel that I’m being shown the contents of pandora’s box. I looked. But I had already seen before what I was being shown, I just knew. And I don’t want to “just know” anything like that. I reject it. I won’t follow a crowd. I like things to balance out, maybe that’s why I chose a course where things just have to fucking balance always. Balance is good, too much of everything or anything is bad. So would I be the negative to counteract all the positivity around me just to make things balance? Probably. It’s the way I am. It works both ways. If I see people too down, too hurt, or anything like that I feel compelled to say something to lift them, or just make them feel a little bit better. I don’t know why. Even assholes that have done bad shit against me, I just don’t like kicking someone when they’re down. But…it works both ways and this is where I’m different to some. When people seem too high, on top of the world, have everything going for them (occasionally I agree, think they deserve it and follow the crowd) and all that…I feel like I need to bring them down. Like, why should they have it so good? Why should they go around all day with their pants round their ankles getting their arse licked by everyone? When they don’t deserve it. So they get a big “fuck you” from me. But the biggest “fuck you” I can give them is this: It will do you no good, it will be your downfall. Cause when someone isn’t licking your arse, how do you cope? Bury your head in something? Turn to the sky and ask for it to go away? It’s a curse. Everything balances, the only real number is zero. If things are amazing, it will end, you will fall and who will pick you up seeing as everyone thinks you’re easily amazing enough to stand on your own? Throwing opportunities away and burning bridges will have an impact at some point. And if you’re depressed and having a hard time: chin up, life sucks, but steal other people’s luck and bring yourself back up. Get me lol, a fucking modern day Robin Hood wannabe.

God gets me. He really does. He understands balance you see. He invented maths right? I guess maths comes under the heading of everything so yes. He balances shit out, that’s His job. This is a God that sees a city thriving and so throws a hurricane at them and says “yeah fuckers, get your asses back to church and love me”. Or maybe He sees some poor village and gives them water, giving life to crops and then they all love Him and He says “shit (lol at God saying shit) it was nothing”. Also, suppose it’s all true about God. Then God created Satan. He created evil. Isn’t that itself evil? What is the difference between doing bad shit or giving someone the means to do bad shit and maybe also giving them a cause? If He’s all powerful, He could rid the world of evil, yet He does nothing, just watches the fuck ups and the suffering. What is the difference? I don’t want to go into this much more, and I don’t wanna hear there can’t be good without evil, that’s bullshit, cause when you throw God into the balancing equation you get an anomalie that can tip the balance in either way as God is supposed to be outside of time and outside of any governing laws since He created them. Maybe there is no evil, and no good, and it’s all fucking pointless. I don’t want to think about it. It fucks me up. I don’t know what the word is I’m trying to think up at the moment…what do you call somebody who saves us all and forgives us of all our bullshit…by murdering His Son? Hhhmmm.

1-2-3. Fucking CHRIST Almighty loves me.

1-2 He fucking hates you.

Why is it I feel bad about talking about this stuff? It’s as if I feel like I’m gonna be struck down one day. But this is a world where the bad guy wins I guess, so I have nothing to fear. Maybe I’m just against everything? I’m against good people, against bad people, against being against bad people, against being against good people. I’m ANTI-everything. The Apostate of Fucking Everything. What the hell do I stand for? What do I believe in? Do I believe in not believing in things? That is something. But I don’t believe it. Fuck people that don’t believe nothing, either shit was created or shit evolved, pick something. But I won’t cause I won’t be told and I’m not entirely sure which one is right. I’m just against it. Everything.

Well, what I propose is this: screw God, screw Buddha, screw them all. Screw science unless it is an absolute concrete fact (Maths is the only true thing no matter what you believe and where you are, it’s 100% the only guaranteed thing in the world, the only universal language, whether you’re English, French, Japanese or an alien). Screw it all, cause nobody knows shit. And don’t think that when you die you will go to heaven or hell, or that nothing will happen. Anything could happen. There are infinite possibilities. Why listen to just one of them and shut the rest off? Cause it makes you feel safe? And I don’t just mean about religion now, I mean everything. Too many ideas are just blocked off these days cause people just accept whatever bullshit they are fed and are happy with it. And that’s a damn shame. Cause the human mind is beautiful and has the potential to do anything. One day, we will probably be living in another galaxy. We will become immortal, and once we have conquered death, we are gods. We don’t need faith in anything but ourselves.

So many crazy thoughts and the absurd thing about it all is that they are going nowhere. It’s a never-ending roller coaster. One of my life goals is to get other people on this roller coaster and keep them there forever, and their kids and everything forever. I just like people to think and see the alternative. But I was thinking today (shit, I’ve done some thinking today alright) about films and books that do the whole good V evil thing. Take the book I’m reading now. The bad guy is amazing and as a general rule, I always support the bad guys in their quest for whatever evil shit they plan on doing. In this book, it seems he has won, it seems like nobody can stop him and he is truly badass. But, there are just over 100 pages left. And I know that God is gonna come down and save the day and everyone will live happily ever after. Cause that’s what God does. He wins. Always. Good always triumphs. I was talking to someone the other day about Revelations. About the “on-coming war” and how it will be crazy and scary but we “already know who’s going to win”. God will win. Fucking why? But here is the key point to my thought about this today: would I like it any better if God didn’t win, if good didn’t triumph? Imagine if in the next 100 or so pages of this book, this bad guy kept on fucking everyone in the ass and nobody stopped him and it ended. I’d be pissed off. Even though I think he’s cool and I’m on his side. Why is that? And if God didn’t win this war, I’d think it was cool for about a second and then would probably lose my soul and that would suck balls. So…I support bad guys and I’m against the fact they always lose but if they ever won I would be against that too. Why? I don’t know why, I’m asking you. Just posing the question, like a fit girl taking pictures of herself poses the question “do you like me, do you want me?” but they never actually want an answer (well, they do want an answer, just don’t like to think of it as a question lol). I don’t want an answer to any of this stuff. I just want to question it all. Cause when the answers come, they may mean death. And I’m against that. My thoughts go nowhere. It’s just a theme park of bullshit that traps you, scares you, makes you feel amazing, makes you feel sick. And it never ends. Join me. It really is amazing, and it’s free. You don’t have to pay here to die slowly, it’s on the fucking house.

Maybe reading this you think I’m disturbed? I’m not. I just have this strange thing though, it’s complicated. I can’t just be happy with things like others seem to be able to do. I’m happy in the moment sometimes, but I can so easily forget what that’s like. I don’t stress about this shit too much, it’s an on going roller coaster but there are times where there aren’t many twists and the track goes straight and I have time to get my breath back. Things aren’t always going at a heart stopping, adrenaline pumping pace. This is a condensed form of my thoughts, you have witnessed the part of the track that has 10 consecutive loops in it. The ride hasn’t reached the peak of it’s insanity yet, not by a long way, but it’s nowhere near ready to break down through failure either. It’s in its’ prime.

I remember how I was a few years ago. All this stuff that I thought, I said aloud sometimes. People said I swore too much, people would say what I think is wrong, and the amount of times I heard someone say “you can’t say that!” followed by a fake expression of shock was unbelievable. So I started to shut the fuck up a bit, people like their fantasies, let them have them. But you know what pissed me off? Others started to say the stuff I’d said and think the things I’d thought and they’d get a round of applause for it. And I guess those people that sometimes tell me to shut up are just trying to bring me down, but really they agree, it flattered me in a way I guess. We’ve all had it. Someone pretends to be your mate and always agrees…then they turn and try and change you, then if they succeed they steal some of your persona and add it to their own, and you find yourself talking to a copy of yourself except you don’t know how to actually be yourself anymore and if you break away and be yourself again, it seems like you are the one following the crowd. Wow. That thought is years old, first time I’ve put that one into words. I don’t feel that so much now by the way, I used to. I just feel like people try to supress me sometimes, as if I’m not allowed to have my opinions because it doesn’t suit other people. I felt that way a lot, I could have conformed but I chose not to. People grow though, and cutting people off, stealing their ideas and stuff like that is replaced by finding ways to agree and argue properly, until everyone fits into their group and everyone has their place. And then you all get bored and some other shit pops off, just for entertainment. I also remember how I’ve changed for the good. I used to be too open if that’s possible. My whole soul was laid to bare for anyone to attack if they chose to. I talked freely about my problems and weaknesses. Now I keep my cards a whole lot closer to my chest. I thought for a while that maybe the fire had gone from me, and I’d gone dull and stuff. I’m not sure, but I think it’s still there. I like impact and I was starting to feel like the dude that cried wolf. I had no impact. I lost it all. I got swallowed up by a load of bullshit fears. But anyway, fuck me, I can’t be arsed to talk about it.

There it goes, it’s happened. I start off writing with some overall point to make, and during making a few little points I forget what the actual point to the whole thing was. There was a point this time, but it’s slipping away like a dream and the more I try to recall it the quicker it fades. But the point doesn’t matter. You can’t sum this shit up like the total cost of damage caused by an earthquake. There’s no overall value to this madness, no figure to put on it. It’s too disjointed. The point has probably been conveyed without me even knowing anyway, the point always comes across even if you try and hide it. In fact, trying to hide it makes it easier sometimes, cause in that effort to cover things up you draw attention to it.

Well, I hope I provoked some thoughts out of you if you read this for some crazy reason. You could have thought I was insane at the start and wrote me off lol, good. I love that. If anybody agreed with me too frequently then you’re probably fucked up, you’re better off keeping it simple, God is good, life is amazing, everybody is equal and all that bollocks. Put me in a room with two other people, those two would always agree and they would argue against me. I’m trying to see the positive in that. I’m the alternative! Whoop di doo! I’m always stunned when someone fights my corner in a debate. Stunned. I’m just used to being on the opposite side. But it’s tiring. So a lot of the time I just find myself agreeing cause I just can’t be arsed. I hate being accused of thinking I know everything, if you understood me a bit, you’d know that I know that I know nothing (get your head around that lol). Writing such as this is always inspired by anger or hate. Strange that when I’m in that mood, I feel better by poisoning other people with it. After all, what good is pain and hurt if we have nobody to share it with? What’s the point in writing things, if you can’t read it? Or me? Things have meaning when the intended audience gets what you wanted to give them, otherwise dreams and fears are pointless. Or so it seems. Well you better get going now eh? Thanks for stopping by, glad you’re so interested. Now go. Go back to the norm. Back to the line of best fit, while I continue to be an outlier, continue to fuck up averages, rip up rule books, break chains, knock down walls, steal from the rich, give nothing back to the poor (haha), disrupt reality, embrace dreams, destroy myself and help to make sure that everything is balanced, nice and even. Perfect chaos x

 

The Rise of the Atheists

13/01/08

Well, I had two options today. I could either start revising for the next exam on Wednesday 16th, or I could do this, which I’ve wanted to do for a while. Sometimes when I have really big opinions on things and give a certain topic a lot of thought, I come to a lot of conclusions and that feels good. However, I seem to forget them conclusions sometimes and writing them helps to gather my thoughts. Anyway, I chose to do this over revision for two reasons. 1) It’s more fun (revision is the most boring thing ever) and 2) I don’t give a shit about my degree anymore. I really couldn’t care less, I don’t need a goddamn certificate to show I’m capable of being a good employee. I fucked around, I fucked up, I am a student. When I’m not a student, I’ll get my act together and work cause I’ll have motivation – money. So fuck revision. I’ll do this. It will be long, so I doubt many will read it all but I hope you give it a chance because I feel very strongly about this stuff. So if you can’t be arsed at the moment maybe you should come back later when it’s quiet, this blog is going nowhere even if I’m reported to myspace, they’ll have to remove me to silence me haha. Not that what I write here will be bad shit, it’s just that Christians have a lot of power and they won’t like it one bit. (It won’t be put on facebook for now, because blogs (notes) there are shown up on the news feed and I don’t like that. I’d rather people wonder on to a blog due to pure chance and then have an unexpected surprise rather than be prompted to do so and then being disappointed because the whole thing was a waste of time for them, if you get me lol. If I figure out how to remove that from the news feed I’ll put it up, but until then it will be left here and on my computer).

Firstly I must give pretty much about 80% of the credit for these thoughts to Richard Dawkins. I could sum this blog up by saying that I agree with him almost 100%, but most of you probably haven’t read the book…and probably won’t read this either, but you’re here now so you might as well, and it saves you going to a shop to buy the book lol. But all credit to Richard Dawkins, buy his book, it is amazing.

Anyway, for Christmas (for me, Christmas has a good moral meaning not involving Christ, it’s just good to be nice and merry and buy gifts for loved ones) my Mum asked me if there were any books I would like. Finally an opportunity to get this book! Lol, I’d been so broke that I couldn’t set aside £9 for this lol. It is The God Delusion and it is my Bible haha. It is about the possibilities of a supernatural creator, it’s about everything to do with religion. Religion matters to us all, whether we give it thought or not. For me, I’ve had a strange time with religion. The Bible is one of the first books I remember reading. Sounds crazy eh? lol. I took myself to church when I was 9, with no encouragement whatsoever. I was totally a Christian, all of my own accord. But I was scared of other Christians as a kid. There’s something not quite right about most of them. Like this woman, who offered to take me up with all the other kids for coffee, biscuits and a discussion about Jesus. Her voice was kind, and she smiled as she talked to me, but her eyes said something else. Her eyes were saying “fucking hell kid, have some coffee, paint a nice picture and shut the fuck up”. I got this feeling with all of them. They have cold-smiles. As if they are only trying to be good because they are told to and believe they are screwed if they don’t. It freaked me out and I stopped going to church. Then my Mum’s friend’s sister came with my Mum’s friend one day to our house. She was a devout Christian who lived in Australia. I was talking to her about God loads (I was only 10 though). She said that through me, God had answered one of her prayers. She had prayed asking if children understand about God and through me, He had answered her. I was cool with that. She offered to go with me to church before she went back to Australia and I said yes, when the day came to go, she couldn’t make it. Typical of her kind. Full of nice words and promise but ultimately full of shit.

And through out these 21 years I’ve met various Christians, there always seems to be one around me, some better than others, some almost too good to be true it would seem. Somedays I used to think it was God keeping an eye on me, and that was good. But most Christians annoy me. I can never shake the feeling that they are liars, they never mean what they say, they’re full of empty promises. They’d give money to charity but are pissed off if a friend asks to borrow a tenner. They are always willing to talk about God…but always too busy to have a chat. They believe there is somebody for everybody…but gay people should burn for eternity. They state that the world and everything in it was created by a supernatural being, someone who can simultaneously hear all of our inner thoughts and choose which to reply to. He can be deflecting a fired bullet away from somebody’s heart and preventing death (although, of course, the bullet still hits them, just hits the shoulder instead. A miracle by God nevertheless!) in one place and sending a hurricane to kill thousands the next. He can change the laws of physics, cause He invented them. He can make a virgin pregnant with His son (who is also Himself) and then kill that son, because for some reason the only way He can forgive our sins is if somebody pays. So because He loves us, He killed His own son! How nice of Him!. He is all powerful, yet Satan “influences” us in our everyday lives, apparently getting rid of Him is not something He wishes to do. The Jews are His chosen people! And look what He let Hitler do to them. I’m sorry, maybe I’m being too harsh, blaming Him for Hitler. He shouldn’t get the blame for it. Because He doesn’t exist. You can’t do anything if you don’t exist. So screw the capital letter, and screw the respect for a fabrication that has tainted human history with blood.

Richard Dawkins is a clever man, and he has made me realise so much. The theory of evolution and natural selection is how we came to be, and that is a fact, not opinion. It wasn’t written by a load of people that may or may not have existed thousands of years ago and translated many times with a lot of editing to suit different groups of people. It is fact, there is conclusive evidence. So when it says that God clicked his fingers and made everything in 6 days, that is a lie. Does no Christian ever think about how the bible came to be? It wasn’t faxed from heaven, it was written by men. Men, who “had visions”, then picked up a pen and wrote…”In the beginning there was God” or whatever it says. The old and new testaments don’t coincide with each other, there’s about a million contradictions all over the place. The biggest argument for the falsity of the bible from Dawkins was about the gospels of Matthew and Luke. There is a prophecy in the old testament that said the messiah was to be born in Bethlehem, from the seed of David. So of course for Jesus to be the messiah he must have been born in bethlehem right? That’s what Matthew and Luke thought too, but there was a problem because nobody knew for sure where Jesus was born at the time the gospels were written, although most people back then thought he was born in Nazareth (he probably was born in Nazareth). So Matthew and Luke need to sort this situation out, the two things need to coincide! According to Matthew, Mary, Joseph (why did he give a shit if he wasn’t the father? Course he was the damn father lol) and Jesus lived in Bethlehem and it was not until later when they moved to Nazareth. But according to Luke, they did live in Nazareth all along, but he still needed to make sure that they were present in Bethlehem when Jesus was born. So Luke’s idea, was that Caesar Augustus decided to have a census for tax purposes and they all had to go to their own city. Yay, prophecy fulfilled cause Joseph was a descendent of David so had to go to David’s city of Bethlehem! There are three problems with Luke’s solution. They are the following:

1) If Joseph was not the father, what the fuck did it matter that Joseph was “of the house and lineage of David”!? How did that make Jesus of the same lineage? God was the Daddy of Jesus right?
2) David lived 1000 or so years (if he existed) before Joseph. “Why on Earth would the Romans have required Joseph to go to the city where a remote ancestor had lived a millenium earlier?” Can you imagine that in today’s world? You gotta go back to a city miles away where one of your ancestors lived in the year 1008. Would there be records of that now? No. So would there be records of that kind of thing 2000 years ago? Not even nearly. And Luke slipped up by talking about events that historians have checked. There was a local census, but not for the whole empire (just for Rome then, nowhere near Bethlehem) and it happened in AD 6 long after Herod’s death, which fucks up the whole baby killing thing to get to Jesus.
If you believe the bible literally and don’t want that to be screwed up forever then look away, but 3) “Shouldn’t a literalist worry about the fact that Matthew traces Joseph’s descent from King David via 28 intermediate generations, while Luke has 41 generations. Worse, there is almost no overlap on the two lists!” So there you have it. Both are trying to fulfill the prophecy to show Jesus was the messiah, both wrote there shit independent of each other, so came up with different solutions. This is 100% proof that at least one of them is lying, and if they have both written similar things about Jesus, you must know deep down that it was all wrong, so how can you trust it and live your life by it?

“Star in the east, the virgin birth, the veneration of the baby by kings, the miracles, the execution, the resurrection and the ascension are borrowed – every last one of them – from other religions already in existence in the Mediterranean and Near East region”. The 4 gospels were also chosen from 12 submitted, the other 8 were even more implausible than the one’s in the bible so they were omitted. This is just a snippet of the evidence in why the bible is a load of crap and this is just a sub-chapter in a large book.

I love the argument’s in the book FOR God’s existence. They are so funny! Logicians have found a nice contradiction. God is omniscient and omnipotent, so he has unlimited knowledge of the past, present and future and also has unlimited power to take any action. But if you have unlimited knowledge of the future you must already know what actions you will take and if you know what you will do already then you won’t be changing your mind. So if you don’t have the power to change your mind, you cannot have unlimited power. Haha, awesome. Also, if God has always existed and always been there and is a complex and intellectual being, he would question his own existence. You could not know you have always been and logically understand why, you would want to know why you have always been, therefore you don’t know everything. Little phrases that you hear Christians and the like say…God knows all, God is all powerful. Look deeper, it’s absurd.

There are so many good arguments. Like, religion tries to use gaps in science as proof they are right. Then scientists figure out the problem and they go quiet. They say God is beyond science, so science proves nothing. But whenever there is anything scientific that remotely backs their ideas, they use it as proof and print it everywhere. Yeah, science is right when it agrees with your beliefs but wrong otherwise eh? They say: “you can’t disprove God, so he must exist!”. Yeah, but we can’t disprove the tooth fairy either but to believe it is ridiculous. But what’s the difference between the two? Nothing. God is just as equally ridiculous as the tooth fairy. The argument’s for God are pathetic, religious people would do their cause less harm if they just shut up to be honest.

This is going to be a blag to type out but I want to share this with y’all. An extract from the book. There are many different religions in the world and sometimes you need to step back and look at other religions because they always seem ridiculous. Imagine how our religion, Christianity must seem to them sometimes. Anyway, here is the extract:

“Boyer did research on the Fang people of Cameroon who believe that witches have an extra internal animal-like organ that flies away at night and ruins other people’s crops or poisons their blood. It is also said that these witches sometimes assemble for huge banquets, where they devour their victims and plan future attacks. Many will tell you that a friend of a friend actually saw witches flying over the village at night, sitting on a banana leaf and throwing magical darts at various unsuspecting victims”.

Some Christian theologist was told about this and laughed at it and called it “nonsense”. That is unfair, because as Dawkins points out, consider if this Cameroonian tribe were told about this theologist’s beliefs:

“1)In the time of ancestors, a man was born to a virgin mother with no biological father being involved.
2) The same fatherless man called out to a friend called Lazarus who had been dead long enough to stink, and Lazarus promptly came back to life.
3) The fatherless man himself came alive after being dead and buried three days.
4) Forty days later, the fatherless man went up to the top of a hill and then disappeared into the sky.
5) If you murmur thoughts privately in your head, the fatherless man, and his “father” (who is also himself) will hear your thoughts and may act upon them. He is simultaneously able to hear the thoughts of everybody else in the world.
6) If you do something bad, or something good, the same fatherless man sees all, even if nobody else does. You may be rewarded or punished accordingly, including after your death.
7) The fatherless man’s virgin mother never died but was “assumed” bodily into heaven.
8) Bread and wine, if blessed by a priest (who must have testicles), “become” the body and blood of the fatherless man”.

You see, Christianity sounds ridiculous too. It is unfair to laugh at other cultures when you believe things like those 8 points.

I’ve tried to show a few points but I’ve barely scratched the surface. There are loads more arguments like this, some of them funny, some of them serious like the bible one above. Loads of people have done research into so many things and found answers. The arguments against God’s existance are totally conclusive. I don’t want to go into it all but there is a lot of evidence about how we came to be. There’s things that I myself would never have even considered, huge details that become apparent when you dive further into the subject. Things to do with evolution, space, biology, chemistry, maths, physics, children listening to parents unquestionably, group dynamics, the comfort of religion, psychology, personal “experiences” of God and reasons for them, the way religions start, and grow and change like Chinese whispers, logic, morality, statistics when comparing religious people to non-religious people, the flaws of the bible, flaws of history of christianity, the absurdity of it all, the damage it has caused and the danger of it in the future. Anybody who can see that amount of evidence in strong favour of one side of an argument and still back the other side is delusional or ignorant. But the book needs to be read in the same way that many Christians have told me to read the bible, with an open mind. Let your guard go and seek the truth, the truth is only ever beneficial in the long run. The book was an essential read for me, and on the 7 point scale from 1 being a strong theist to 7 being a strong atheist, before I would have classed myself as 3 “Technically agnostic but leaning towards theism. Very uncertain but inclined to believe in God”. But now I would say I’m a 6 going on to 7, very low probability of God going on to zero percent.

This is an important thing to realise, where you stand on religion. Because it is very important even today. The US is the most powerful country in the world and they are largely Christian. It is good to know what we’re dealing with. It is also good for your own personal well being. I feel better after this revelation thanks to Dawkins. It must be how a Christian feels when they are reading the bible, except I’m not deluding myself, I’m looking at evidence and drawing inevitable conclusions as opposed to accepting unquestionably what I am being told. Dawkins says that being an atheist is the sign of a strong mind. People who question what they are told, who look for reason and evidence, who make up their own mind. It is no fluke that most educated people in the world are atheists. Take the most intellectual portion of the population, they are the people that make the decisions because they know best. If you take them, you won’t find many believers amongst them. There are exceptions of course. Also, atheists are likely to be morally good, not because they are told to be and are afraid of punishment, but because they want to be. They are just generally good people. The reason that atheists are frowned upon in some countries and the reason that they have less political power in the world than Christians/Muslims/what-the-fuck-ever is because they are scattered. They are afraid to go against their parents and teachers and priests. Politicians look bad if they say they don’t believe in God. There is a bad vibe to something which is truthful and healthy and natural. The aim of The God Delusion is to get these people to “come out”. The mind of the atheist is the natural progression of the human race, it is the answer to a lot of our problems. So much time and money and so many lives are wasted on fairytales when it could be put to better use. It is getting about the time for atheists to stand up and be counted and join together and spread the TRUE word. If nobody had any fear of being disliked for being an atheist, and if no celebrity or politician had any fear of losing the public for being an atheist, we would find that we outnumber the delusional. We need to rise up and be counted, we would stop wars, and help the world. The world would be a better place. Every believer should read The God Delusion and do their own research and then make the inevitable step of joining us, and every atheist should read the bible as it will confirm even more what we already know, and it shows us what we’re up against. So, my friends, love thy neighbour (because it’s a good thing to do and gives you a nice feeling, since being good in tribal times lead to success of a tribe, being nice has evolved with us over time so we still do it today even though we are in no threat lol), enjoy your window of time that you have, by chance, been given. Drawing pictures of Muhammed is wrong only because it offends a lot of people and that is not nice, it is not wrong because some book tells you it is bad. And nobody should be afraid of drawing pictures. There should be no riots and nobody should be killed cause of a fucking cartoon. Nobody should go to fucking prison for giving a teddy bear a particular name. Nobody needs to blow themselves up and kill innocent people because of a different but also false belief, like your own. Evolution should be taught to kids cause it is fact and leads to careers. Creationism belongs in the classroom at story time or during a history lesson about what people used to believe. If kids are introduced to Jesus, they also need to be introduced to Charles Darwin. No death threats due to people proving your faith wrong should be tollerated, if you don’t want to know the truth then look away and be ignorant forever, maybe some people need that. But for those of us that know the truth, be proud, and stand strong! For we are the future! The only thing we need to believe in without evidence is ourselves. Peace and love to all, and you can hate me for what I write but I’ll still love you, because it isn’t your fault. Peace and love xxx

Knowledge is Everything

22/01/08

 

Everybody chants, “Sevenfold, Sevenfold!” The lights go out, the background music stops. The organ starts playing and everybody screams. Then the lights go mental, the drums and guitars kick in and M.Shadows is standing in front of me screaming and  looking like God himself. Avenged Sevenfold are fucking awesome!

Anyway, it’s been a busy time. Ain’t had time to wipe my arse, let alone chill out. Sunday doesn’t count cause I was so hungover that it wasn’t really chilling. Recovering from a day of drinking is not relaxing but it is necessary. Exams are done, I maybe failed two out of the four, but having all four passed is also a possibility and I pray that this is the case. Resits are a total blag.

I’m back in lectures and I have a feeling that this semester will be a lot easier than last semester. So I’ve already passed the peak of my academic education as far as Maths is concerned. This semester I’m doing Group Theory, which doesn’t seem so bad and the lecturer seems quite good (and shockingly it’s a woman. It isn’t shocking that she’s good, it’s just shocking to have a woman. Of my previous 20 modules, 19 have been taught by men with only one being taught by a woman. It’s a nice change.) so hopefully that will be ok. Also doing Risk Management which is basically Financial Maths where we have to complete a huge report and we are assessed on that, which means no exam, yes! I will actually have writing to do and stuff, no way! Lol. Another module I’m doing is more Statistics, haven’t had a lecture in that yet but I’m guessing it will be like all stats modules, boring but useful. And my other module was a surprise today. It is titled as Non-physical Applications I – Mathematical Economics. But it is actually Game Theory! Which is really good because Game Theory is pretty interesting and has an element of psychology in it. Professor Nash (Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind) has been mentioned as he came up with some of the theory. It’s cool that I know stuff about him cause of the film. But anyway, I’m made up that I could have some interesting things to learn this semester, and it won’t be as hard and I will only have three exams. Pretty good shit.

Deep, crazy shit is coming. I can feel it….

Seriously got to get a career path sorted soon! That is stressful, but I guess I know what I’m going to do. I’ll do what I seem to be destined to always do from now on – follow my head and not my heart. Follow the money and not the happiness. Be safe and secure in equilibrium rather than risk losing everything for the sake of having a chance at gaining everything (love, money and meaning). It’s kind of sad but I somehow am on this path now so I just have to deal with it I guess. They say money is power but it isn’t. Money means jack-diddly-fuck all. Knowledge is power. Wisdom is everything. With knowledge, you learn to respect things and appreciate things, and when you appreciate life and understand all the things you need to you can be happy. And happy people have won, you can never bring them down. Happy people don’t have to fear losing things, and have everything to gain and they go from strength to strength and pass on their knowledge to others gaining more respect. With knowledge, you get money and true power. And I don’t think the amount of knowledge somebody has has anything to do with how intelligent they are. You can have a high IQ and be a fucking dumbass, you can have a low IQ and have all the knowledge you need to be happy. You just have to actively find out the answers to the questions you have, and be satisfied when you can find no more.

I am always seeking to learn, I’m just not so good at putting it into practise. But I’m trying to change, I want to be enthusiastic in everything I do. And of all the things I’ve learned, the most useful thing is that other people cannot make us happy, only we ourselves can do that. It is an illusion to think otherwise. Well, a delusion lol. It’s a selfish world, and our genes and our knowledge and our beliefs are all that matter to us as individuals. We pass all these things on in the hope that somewhere down the line, there’s some benefit to it all. I think of myself as a small part in a huge system and I can have fun and be happy but also I have to make my own purpose. I can help to change the world and whereas my impact will probably be minimal, it won’t be entirely insignificant. I can help by showing what I think is right and standing up for it and joining others like me. In the hope that we can make the world somehow a bit better, and take us a step closer to the overall point to all of this. The knowledge that is perceived by most people to be right will be the knowledge that lasts and that is where even a lie, given enough time, could become truth in the course of history. If I am wrong in any opinion of mine in the eyes of the majority then I will be rejected and that is upto the people. That is the same for everyone, and individually, none of it really matters. But in groups of people, in organisations, in nations, this is where it makes a difference. The only constant is change and things are changing all around us. Things are progressing. We have to hope we are moving in the right direction and we have to strive to stay on the right path. Why? Because without hope and without purpose, we may as well be dead. We are alive and we should aim to make a difference, because seeing other people happy is a cool fucking thing. I want the rich to get richer if that’s what they like. I want the poor to get richer. I want an end to stupid, needless conflicts and an end to greed. I want all to have access to all knowledge and I want everybody to help find out more about every single thing there is to find out about. So science can progress and so everything can progress. Health and conditions for everyone can improve and given enough time we will know everything, and we will live forever and we will all be happy and we will be spread throughout every galaxy in the universe (I’m talking about a ridiculous amount of time here, millions of years). This can only happen (or at least it will happen more quickly) if we are in it together. Rival groups should also totally and utterly 100% oppose each other. Not with violence, but with evidence and the art of the debate. People that like to sit on fences will be swallowed up in some groups for some things and nobody is ever going to agree on everything. But as groups get larger, they become “more right” and hopefully the majority of people throw their weight behind a cause because they think it’s right and that should ensure that successful opinions are actually more likely to be right as more people have been persuaded by that particular argument. Every group can benefit the world in a more significant way than an individual can. The larger the group, the larger the influence and the greater the responsibility to continue to do what is “right”. Note, that these “right” things can be completely the opposite of right. Large groups can collectively make mistakes and thus have more influence in important matters and therefore they could be having a negative impact. But, as it is a large group you would think that there is less chance of this happening.

My point is, that in my ideal world, these opposing groups should attempt to obliterate each other (in a totally non-violent way). The right ideas are most likely to survive, the weaker and wrong ideas are most likely to bow out of history. The right ideas lead to more knowledge and that leads to the ultimate goal (I’m not sure what that is yet, but I am sure we need to get to it). The ultimate goal involves walking along a long, winding path and on this path you overcome many obstacles (every obstacle there is, given infinite time) and this is beneficial to everyone. Also on this path, you find many rewards, whether it be knowledge, money, love, respect etc. And when we collectively reach the ultimate goal at some point in the future, we will have all played a part even if we are not there to witness it. And this ultimate goal may mean we have now achieved unlimited power and with that we can do anything. We will only be limited by imagination but with unlimited power we could expand our imaginations, and achieve more.

We don’t all think like this. Not even I think that far down the line. The best place to start, the only place to start is in the present. We are all part of this system and we are here in the year 2008 today because of the collective ideas of everybody that has lived in times previous to this. When one of our ancestors first made a spear and used it to kill an animal to eat, this was a step in us getting here now. His idea of making a spear spread, and it was beneficial, and quickened the time it took for us to be as advanced as we are now. Apply that logic to every idea and invention everybody in history has ever had, and you now know the scale I’m talking about. Not all ideas are great and lead to improvements, that is why through groups, organisations, nations etc, the best ideas survive, the ideas that benefit us most remain. The weak, fade to black because they are useless to us.

I’m not even saying I think anybody needs to change. Everybody should just do what they normally would, and what they think is right. And remember that your actions have consequences, and you are capable of making a difference. Everyone of us is capable of making a difference, no exceptions. Find out what you believe in. Find people who believe in you. Help each other. Grow in knowledge, respect and power. And make a bigger difference to the world. And try to do it with as much laughter as possible, and where ever it is realistic, try to make your rivals smile too and minimise the tears you may be fighting to give them. We can all hope and have purpose. We can all disagree, but we have to share. We have to share all our ideas and everything because we all have the same home and we all want the same things. Co-operation gets us all there faster, conflict only hinders the majority of us (although a few may benefit, but a minority of people benefiting is exactly what I’m against). This is just the way of the world, it happens naturally.

So do I know what part I will play? Nope. We can only make judgements when they are presented to us. I know more about what I think is right and due to the way I am, I will gladly give my opinion and try to change yours. Not for any personal gain though. Where does it benefit me if people believe what I believe? Actually it kind of does benefit me but it’s a secondary cause of why anybody would try to impose their beliefs on others. Primarily, you naturally want improvement for the whole human race, and you want to help those you care about and if you think things are right, you want people close to you to know it so that it benefits them too (of course, you could actually be wrong, so you are unintentionally harming them). But helping those around us puts a smile on our face too. Well, it does for me anyway. Let’s put it like this. If I have kids, I would teach them everything I believe in, but also give them a bible and access to everything else too. I would be biased and they should make up their own mind and parents always have to accept what their kids believe. But it is also our duty to pass on more than just our genes. If our beliefs are to survive, if our groups are to grow and swallow up other groups obliterating rivals in the process, we have to pass this stuff on. And based on whether it gets accepted by new generations you have an indicator of how valid your beliefs are. That’s what I will do. And if I was in a position of power (the head of a group, say) I may take more drastic measures. Would this be an abuse of power? No. It would be a responsibility to reach as many people as possible. To give them a chance to agree. Because our views are sometimes supressed when faced with a more powerful rival.

So, if you read this, take from it what you will. You can think it made sense or think I’m full of shit. You are free. And that is the beautiful thing of it all, but also the thing that requires care. And that is exactly what I’m talking about here. Question everything you ever read or see or hear, don’t be lead blindly by anybody, make your own judgements about what is right and wrong and providing you are rational you will fight for what’s right, and we’ll all be fine.

Darren x

Caffeinism

29/02/08

I fancied writing a blog on the 29th February cause I won’t be able to for another 4 years lol.

Anyway, the past week has been strange. Kind of shit but good at times. Still had the usual stress going on inside my stupid head. I got screwed in a class test. Didn’t know what would be on it except that it was probably like tutorials 1, 2 and 3. It actually was nothing like that and had material from tutorial 4 on it too. So I fucked it up. Only 10% but I need to go out with a bang to get a 2:1 and fucking up tests ain’t good at all.

Thursday night was good. After a shit day at uni, full of lectures I had another lecture, this one was the Richard Dawkins lecture. When we got there we first saw a group of Christians handing out leaflets about scientists that also still believe in God. They also had banners, one said “Don’t let Dawkins make a monkey out of you”. That was quite funny I thought, but also ignorant. We didn’t stop being monkeys and start being humans one day, but that’s the way they like to make it sound. There were two sets of people at doors checking bags and stuff, in case some angry dude had come to kill Dawkins or something.

Anyway, the lecture was awesome. The hall was packed and everybody wanted to hear what the guy had to say. It was mostly about the stuff in the book and he answered questions at the end. Normally drinks are free but they said they couldn’t be free this time as demand was so high that it would bankrupt the uni lol. I can’t help feeling like we’re coming to a point of change. Everybody wants to hear this stuff, cause a lot of people aren’t happy with how things are now. And I got my book signed! Lol, there were so many things I wanted to say to him but when I got there I didn’t really know what to say, so just said thanks and that the book was amazing. I should have said how the book had brought me a lot of peace where the topic of religion is concerned. And I’m glad that the other end of the eternal debate about whether God exists is now getting heard. It’s all good. Except…not even being an atheist totally settles the argument. Cause like…why did the big bang happen? And why did certain molecules decide to become alive in the first place? I definitely don’t believe that there is a god that had anything to do with these questions. But there is an answer to these questions, and I wish we knew what they were. But, an amazing thought is the fact that we are lucky to be here. So so lucky. As Dawkins says, we’re lucky to have the opportunity to die, as most people are never even born. The possibilities of life from all the human DNA there has ever been are incredible, yet we are here. Born of the stars in an ever changing universe…here we stand on this spinning rock. It’s awesome. This has lead me to a minor decision which I’ll come to in a bit. It was actually the point to the blog lol.

Another thing that happened this week was that I found a new subgenre of music that I like. It’s called mathcore lol. Interesting name, that’s why I read about it. And a band I kind of liked was a mathcore band, although I didn’t know that at the time. It’s a crazy form of music. No set structure, no verse-chorus-verse-chorus kind of thing going on, songs can last a minute or 10 minutes, songs can start in the middle of something crazy or build progressively, you can have the calm before the storm, calm building and then staying calm or a storm that settles to a calm lol (my own terminology there). I love songs and stuff, but sometimes I get bored of songs I like cause you get so used to them. With mathcore you never know where songs are going and it’s more interesting. The bands I’ve started listening to are pretty heavy mostly and chilled occassionally. I like to call it psycho metal lol.

Anyway, now I’ll finally get on to what I wanted to say in the first place. There is a substance that I’ve known has been having a pretty significant effect on my life for as long as I can remember. Caffeine. I drink way too much and I am totally addicted to it. When I wake up, it’s the first thing I do. If I have time I’ll have a few waking up cups of coffee and tea. I usually have coffee then tea then tea. Then kind of rotate through the day, whilst also drinking coke or Dr Pepper.

Then sometimes I wonder. All these things that are fucked up about me…what if this addiction is the problem? I struggle to sleep some nights. I have anxiety problems and palpitations. I have other problems that seem to be on the following list I found on a website:

The symptoms of caffeinism can include feelings of anxiety and nervousness, sleep disruption (especially difficult getting off to sleep), restlessness, irritability, diuresis (passing lots of water/urine), stomach complaints, tremulousness, palpitations and arrythmias (changed heart rate, especially faster beating). 150mg of caffeine at bedtime has been shown to have a marked effect on how long it takes to get to sleep, reduce total sleep time, the quality of sleep and REM (dreaming) periods. Caffeinism can make some illnesses such as anxiety more resistant to drug treatment. People who suffer from panic attacks may be more sensitive to the stimulant effects of caffeine.

Suddenly stopping taking caffeine can produce problems. Withdrawal from even moderate amounts of caffeine can produce headaches (52%), anxiety (10%), rebound drowsiness, fatigue and lethargy, with many other effects reported.

“Caffeinism” is considered a drug addiction and caffeine withdrawal syndrome is a documented psychiatric condition.

(Quoting that website has changed my font and it won’t change back. Blag…)

So, maybe a lot of my stress and tiredness and stuff is cause of this shit. It can’t be good for you. And we are lucky to be here after all. So what if caffeine is having bad effects on me? Then I should quit. I’ve tried before and failed miserably. Think I lasted 24 hours. It’s supposed to be bad for you to just quit cause…well cause what it says in that quote. So you are meant to reduce your intake gradually. Well, fuck that. I’ll put up with the withdrawal symptoms cause it is about willpower and my willpower is pretty shit, so I want to prove to myself that if I apply my mind then I can control my life the way I want to. And I may feel loads better in a few weeks, it would be good to get rid of anxiety problems cause they do affect me pretty bad somedays. And I have mood swings. I hate all that shit, I want to be chilled as much as possible cause stress does nothing but waste time and cause cancer. So that’s it, I quit. Not even going to get one last cup before formally quitting. Finito. No more tea or coffee or coke or anything for me for ages, and maybe one day I will drink the occasionally cup cause I love the taste. I’ll miss the stuff. It’s mostly psychological for me though, like I can’t do anything without getting a cup of tea or coffee first cause it’s a habit. If I’m about to read, I’ll get a cup first. Or if I’m about to watch a film, or before I go out, or go to bed, or wake up, or do homework (lol, rarely), or revise, or if I’m bored….any excuse to put the bloody kettle on. Well fuck that. I won’t give in to the demands of a stupid substance, that is just weak and I don’t want to be weak anymore. I quit!!!! It is going to be, like, hard though…I fancy a cup of tea now…damn…lol

Anyway, that is all I had to say really. Basically, atheism is still the shiznit, music is interesting me again and I’m through with caffeine. That is all fuckers x

 

The Age of Reason

05/03/08

I should never have too much free time. I end up thinking about all sorts until I get kind of frustrated at things. Yesterday I spent most of the day in our union having a laugh, today I’ve thought a lot, read a lot and thought some more. Two different days in the life of two different people lol.

I realise my myspace page is mostly just a protest against religion these days. Well, my friends don’t use it anymore so I changed the purpose I use this for. Facebook is for friends, myspace is for my ideas. Saved up until one day I take the good bits and put them in a book to sell lol. Nah, but I forget too much and love to relive certain thoughts I have. This stuff will become pretty valuable to me as I get older I think.

Maybe I look for it too much, maybe it just seems to find me somehow. Who knows? All I know is that this religious stuff is now one of my main interests in life. Kind of sucks that my job is likely to be something based on accountancy when I’d love to just be researching and writing about this stuff. I guess that will be a hobbie of mine.

I used to get frustrated at myself for not being able to come to a decision on religion. I hated being agnostic, it sucked. I wanted to be on one side of the eternal debate as I now call it. Instead I was stuck in the middle, knowing things but not having proper opinions cause it was such a huge thing to believe in or turn away from. It’s life changing. It affects the rest of your life and potentially your soul for all eternity…although I doubt that very much. Anyway, now I know where I stand. And it now seems like it shouldn’t have been a difficult choice, and in turn it seems like to me there should be no question in anybody else’s mind either. But there is and that’s fine. Other people believe, that’s fine. But things that the other side does and says totally gets to me and it is inevitable that the two sides will always clash (I don’t mean with violence, I never feel violent about this at all and don’t understand how anybody ever could just on the basis of different beliefs). The world has seen plenty of changing attitudes over the years. Attitudes to women, race and sexuality have all changed drastically. I believe that attitudes to religion is changing now.

The problem is that religion has been very clever and had thousands of years of practise at keeping people under control. It seems like nothing has been overlooked. You’re told to spread the word, believe nothing else other than the bible, give God your all, follow certain laws ensuring that you discriminate against others. It injects fear into it’s followers, and the followers try to inject fear into the skeptics. Religion is wrapped in a blanket and a wall has been built around that blanket, nearly impossible to penetrate. Which would be ok, let people choose what to think and all that. If they’re wrong, what does it matter to us? But things aren’t ok. The most powerful man on the planet believes this stuff and we have maybe seen the consequences of that in Iraq. Trigger happy, God will judge and all that. If the next US President is John McCain this will continue to be the case. I’ve heard he is a strong believer of the creation story. And ok, there is nothing wrong the President believing whatever, but in some states to get votes you need to be a Christian. And maybe you can’t actually be President without being Christian. They have political power and a Christian would never vote an atheist into power even if they were the better candidate. That is bloody stupid. I have no idea of his religious beliefs but if I were voting in that election I would vote for Barack Obama.

Anyway, I’ve been reading a lot of debates lately, the creation versus evolution debate mainly. And the main argument from the creation point of view is that if they disprove evolution (which they can’t) then that means creation wins and is true. Not so. They lack imagination. They are two theories that are the most popular today. We don’t have all the facts yet, there may be something we haven’t thought of that tells us how we really came to be here. There is simply no evidence for creation and if you say God is not bound by science then you can’t even debate it cause you are just a believer and your mind will not be swayed. But as Dawkins points out, the question of whether God exists is definitely scientific as a universe with a supernatural creator would be very different to a universe without. So it can be tested and conclusions should only be drawn based on evidence. Look at fossils, carbon dating and loads of other things that I don’t even know about for evidence of evolution. Some people even said that we have progressed as a species but that isn’t down to evolution, it’s because God changed things. Why would God make us imperfect in the first place and then continue to change us? He would surely get it right first time.

I understand the doubts about evolution. It is a nagging thought in every human’s mind…we must have a purpose, this can’t be for no reason, why did molecules suddenly become life that had to fight for survival? We don’t know. I think we are maybe incapable of knowing. Maybe it is for no reason and our limited brains just cannot grasp that. Maybe there is some ultimate purpose that is something not just beyond our dreams, but beyond what we are capable of dreaming? We aren’t advanced enough to answer these questions yet.

Consider this (this is partly to get it drummed into my own mind too). According to physicists, everything in the universe was once smaller than the following fullstop. << That one. It was in fact much smaller than that, but it was so so so ridiculously dense. Then it exploded. Atoms were born, hydrogen (one proton with one orbiting electron) first then helium (two protons). In very basic form, these gasses became stars, so hot that fusion allowed the creation of new elements, shit happened and planets were also born and the universe is still expanding today (maybe it will expand forever, maybe it will contract and kill us all, depends on the mass and speed). Anyway, fuck Earth for a minute. Think on a larger scale. The religious debate is pretty insignificant really, we’re just a race of animals on one planet. Maybe in some galaxy there are 30,000 planets where they know the truth and are just laughing at us as God seems absurd as fuck to them. Think just how big the universe is. You can’t begin to imagine it. Our Earth may as well be an atom and then the universe in comparison would still be absolutely shitloads bigger than Earth. And then think about the quantum level. Atoms are so stupidly small. There are more molecules in a glass of water than there are glasses of water in the sea. Atoms are mostly just empty space. Everything in this vast universe is basically made up of nothing. Except, out of nothing particles just appear and disappear at will all the time. They’re smaller than atoms, one has a positive charge, one negative. They appear and then destroy each other. So all this “nothing” can just turn into “something” for a split second. Electrons can be in more than one place at a time. And all of that crazy shit that defies logic is what makes up our world. It doesn’t make sense to us. We’re not smart enough. But that is so far what we know. Think of what other crazy things there are to know that we don’t know yet? How then, after knowing this, can you put all your faith into what an ancient book (with so many contraditions and absurdities in it) says? Isn’t it more fascinating to know how great the universe really is? A personal God that made our planet and made animals for us to rule over and eat and made a bunch of rules for us to follow is quite cute, but it is nothing when compared to the greater picture. It doesn’t come close. A mind that buys into that unquestionably (key word) is a mind closed off, a mind without imagination and that is tragic in my opinion. Then we are supposed to sit back when these people want this belief to spread so it is the dominant belief in the world? How can the bible fulfill you? It answers nothing. Why make everything out of atoms? Why make everything so big instead of just Earth? Where is heaven? Why don’t snakes eat dust when he said they had to aswell as slide on their bellies? Why do good people get cancer? Why does praying do absolutely nothing when believers have the power to move mountains? Why is the Earth 4.5 billion years old when it only took 6 days to make and that wasn’t very long ago? 6 days? So the 24 hour days were already invented at the point of creation? Why do the two genealogies for Jesus have two different lists of people where there are only three common people on the list not including David and Jesus? Why did dinosaurs never get a mention in the bible, especially as they would surely be around at the point of creation since that was 6000 years ago and dinosaurs lived like, millions of years ago? Why is worshipping other gods so bad when there is only one anyway? Seeing as it wasn’t a fuck up during evolution, why did God give us an appendix? Why does God never answer me or anyone else? Why doesn’t he come play hide and seek in the Garden of Eden anymore like he did in the good old days? Adam and Eve had two sons and they populated the world…how the fuck did that happen? I know it says respect your parents but that is just sick! If Mary was a virgin and Joseph was not the Daddy of Jesus, then how the fuck did he descend from David and why would that even matter? My last question today (as I have millions more) is why do people believe this without question and defend it in the face of contradictory evidence in todays age of reason and logic?

I am so lucky to be here in 2008. I am happy to be a part of this system and glad that a storm is coming with the pleasant winds of change x

 

The Great Pretender’s Easter Labyrinth

26/03/08

Sitting at home, bored as fuck, nothing much to do. Not even got any milk for a cup of tea. I gave up quitting caffeine. Maybe I’m weak. But at least it’s not something heavy I suppose, I’m not good at giving things up. And alcohol doesn’t have the same taste as it did before either. People are fools, the world is a joke. Or maybe the joke is on me.

I need the crew. Jay, Dean, Nick, Handy, Harry, Jordan, Yasmine, Sasha, Luke, Georgia, Ben…and anyone I forgot. I need to not be bored. But muthafuckers ain’t around these parts right now.

In the past, people have said of my writing that I give too much away and leave no mystery. And anyone could be looking. I guess that’s true. But I still don’t care about it that much. I have things to say. But maybe I’ll make it a bit cryptic. I fight to draw conclusions to my thoughts, why should others be able to make judgements so easily?

1) Consider this. A person is amazing at poker and loves it. Plays it loads and can’t get enough. They have a game against somebody who is about as good as them at poker. The match is brilliant and this person enjoys the match so much, really enjoys the competition between himself and the other. This person thinks it’s the best poker they’ve ever played and wants more poker like that.
Then a few days later they play poker against an amateur. The amateur is someone they have known ages. The amateur likes to learn off this person and enjoys playing against them very much. But this person is still dreaming of that amazing poker match from the other night. The amateur senses this and wishes they could be better at poker so it was more enjoyable for this person too. However, that is unlikely to happen. Should the person pursue better poker players? Should the amateur keep trying to improve to suit the other person or be happy with the skills they have already? Or drop their expectations and play other amateurs instead?

2) I don’t believe I will ever go to hell but I also have full control over my desires. I rarely feel guilt. Fit people can annoy me, so love at first sight is impossible. My first thoughts are always doubt and I’m mostly right. But to prove a point (mainly but not entirely to myself) I may change for a bit. I don’t have myself figured out so surely nobody else has figured me out either. I can change violently. Hip hop to metal? Easy. I’m considering having a year long party all over the UK soon. And then getting a career. Why the fuck not?

3) Dogs are awesome. Lexi is so much bigger, she’s so cool. Dogs are always happy to see us, they’re so loyal. They only let you down when they piss on the floor but apart from that they are amazing creatures.

4) Is it better to be spontaneous or plan? I reckon a mixture. Too much planning requires too much effort and that is a blag. Being too spontaneous does my fucking head in.

5) Actors can be strange. Consider this. You are a huge fan of a certain actor. You watch all of their films and really enjoy them. You think they have some amazing qualities, they can make you think, make you laugh, make you cry and you think they are beautiful in every way in every film you see. Even more beautiful when you dream of them. Then one day you happen to pick up a copy of The Sun. And the headline reads “(insert actor’s name here) in drink, drugs, sex shame”. You read the story and realise your dream is mistaken. There is nothing special about them at all. They have let you down. You put your favourite film (with them in) on and slip back into that alternate reality. But it isn’t the same. You can now see through those fantastic acting skills. You can almost see the coke dripping from their nose whilst they’re busy saving the day in the film. And the magic starts to slip away, so you turn the film off, shed a tear and lose all faith in magic. Hope is a fool’s game, nobody can resist temptation. Except you, cause you are not tempted by temptation. How can you want something when nothing is real and all has lost meaning and magic? So you join the rat race. All rats will feed off scraps and then die. And not so long ago you dreamed of paradise. Damn that actor to hell with their lies that revealed the truth about the world. Ignorance was bliss, but now that dream has been stolen from me.

5a) Fuck!!! Right screw everything. I will destroy everything that crosses my path. Don’t tell me these lies, you should run and hide while you can. Poison pumps through my veins. My judgement is fair, my punishment is harsh. I am always plotting revenge, I can hurt you, I am more calculating than ever. Memories fade, but feelings do not. Certain songs make me feel sick with rage and I don’t know why at first. I close my eyes and transport myself to another time and I remember. It comes flooding back. My heart is racing, I feel my pulse in the back of my eyes. The future doesn’t matter, it all changed back then and you must pay. Your tears are what I live for, go ahead and cry me a fucking river. Everything you touch turns to gold, and then I turn it to dust. I will hunt you throughout the world and throughout time. Anything that reminds me will burn forever. I like fire. I live for the wind to blow the fire in your direction. I will take the magic from you and you’ll beg me to show mercy. You aren’t physically real. You are not human. You’re a dream. You’re a figment of my imagination. And when I kill you, part of me will die.That part will remain cold forever. The fire burns out and it’s so so cold. Magic doesn’t exist. Yet I hear you laugh. Behind and in front of me, spreading through every world in every dimension is a path of destruction that I have caused. Yet you still win. It is inevitable. Maybe because you genuinely are magic and I’m a fool for doubting you.

5b) Everything is as I intended it to be. I am in control and always will be.

5c) I don’t believe everything I read. Not everything can be analysed logically and that’s hard for me to accept as I’m a very logical person. There aren’t always words to read between the lines you look at. Every amazing artist can sometimes paint a bad picture, but the magic is there most of the time. They can still hypnotise me with some of their pictures and that is what matters. Some actors choose bad scripts, but the talent never dies, it only grows. The growth of magic is non-linear. It fluctuates but generally grows in a positive way. However, as well as the peaks there are dips in the graph. Just because you can’t play the drums, doesn’t mean you don’t have a beautiful voice. I can protect you from the most powerful storm and all the evil in the world. I can iron out the dips in the graph because I know the solution to the equation. It doesn’t make sense, truth rarely ever does. And I’m vulnerable, I’m equally as unstable as a cloud. I will rain, but I still let the sun shine down on you. The past never happened, it wasn’t you as you are now. And you’re not yet the person you will grow to be so the future doesn’t exist. There is one time, and one world. We both share the same time and the same world. Your pencils are blunt, so your picture is messed up. But I believe in magic and I have faith in you.

5d) I am possessed. The world is a dream. My mind holds it together. Lines are blurred. Characters and actors are the same. The colour of heaven is green. I will simultaneously save you and destroy you. I will give you something to live for, yet take meaning away. But I won’t let you die and I won’t let anyone other than me hurt you. I am not talking. Yet you hear my words. Such is the way of the sixth. You know me. You know love.

5e) …………………………………..???……………………………

6) What the fuck? It’s me again. That bullshit probably doesn’t matter, but maybe it does. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m fed up and alone. I’m glad I’m alone today though. People can’t help me when I’m like this. Everyone has their own problems. People are too busy deciding what clothes to wear, cause if they ain’t going to get you into somebody else’s bed, what’s the point? Maybe that’s why I do sometimes like Christians. Even if their meaning is wrong, at least they have meaning. The persona that most people my age take on is pathetic. Urrggghh, get paid, go out, get wasted on everything, pull someone, wake up, feel like shit, repeat. Screw them. Screw you all. I’m totally on my own from now on. I don’t want to be with anyone. Have your pathetic lives. Whatever. I’m out of here.

7) This collection of thoughts will probably never see the light of day. It makes me look psycho. And maybe I am. Why can’t I be like everyone else? I hate myself sometimes. I wish I just wanted normal things and had normal thoughts. Being different is cool, aweome in fact. But being fucked up is something else altogether. I’ve had a chat with my Mum tonight. I mostly listened to her latest problems with Simon and I interrupted every now and then to give an opinion or some advice. I can give advice easy, but I can’t take it. And all the while I was listening I couldn’t help thinking that really I needed to do some talking myself. But other people’s problems are always more important I guess. I just have to listen. Only my little sister even gave a shit that I had the tv off, earphones on and was on my own writing to beat satan himself when she got in from school. Nobody is here and here is the key thing, nobody cares about this. I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t react in any way or look like things aren’t under control because I’m tired of being the weak person. I feel stupid when talking about some things. I’m maybe paranoid about it all. But if I bottle it up, it changes me. I get stuck in my own thoughts so much that I’m crap to be around and then I just want to be on my own. And eventually, I’ll explode.

8) Imagine a dedicated religious person. They believe things all their life and sacrifice themselves to their faith. Imagine then that on their death bed, the person was shown conclusive proof that they are wrong and they’ve wasted their whole lives. How shit would that feel? In a milder way, I’ve felt that. I feel it now.

9) A problem. It’s hard to talk about it. It’s not like I can give an opinion on it cause it changes so much. I don’t know what I think and a lot of the time it’s not even a problem now. In a few days, this will be out of date. Blind hope is a part of it. I don’t want to rely on faith anymore, yet with some things I still do. I’m scared that I’m deluded, big time. It’s like trying to find the exact answer to a complicated equation. You can’t find it so you have to make an approximation and you admit defeat. You have to accept that shitty answer. But then you get some new, exciting yet unreliable information and it could help you achieve a better answer. Do you trust this information and hope the extra effort and time it requires will be worth it if you obtain a better answer? Or do you not go back to the equation? You could doubt the information too much and decide you aren’t going to improve on your original answer. That is the dilemma. The information I’m getting is on the borderline for the point where I decide whether or not to use it. Either the information needs to improve or be proved wrong to sway my mind one way or the other…or I need to flip a coin and base my decision on that. On chance. A chance where the stakes have been raised. Victory means the world, defeat means oblivion. The next 12 months mean everything to me. Can I afford to fuck around with chance? I don’t trust my judgement on this, and I can’t ask for advice. What the fuck do I do? Just block it out? Deny the problem even exists? Easier said than done. It means a lot to me.

10) I have come to the conclusion that my brain is losing grip on reality. That isn’t good really is it? Not good at all.

11) Part 11 is private. I was going to code it but can’t be arsed. Part 11 is also wrong. I wasn’t honest in it. Part 11 is what I wish I thought, but I don’t really think it I don’t think. Maybe I think it when I’ve had a few beers, but not really. So Part 11 is being omitted. Fuck Part 11.

12) Part 12 doesn’t make sense without Part 11. So fuck Part 12 too.

13) Problems. There are so many variables affecting our choices regarding problems. Our mood is a big one. Sometimes we’re happy and don’t let problems bring us down. Sometimes we’re sad and can’t stand thinking about them. We have determination somedays. And these moods affect decisions and decisions affect where our lives go. I know that I would have made some different choices if I’d have woken up in a better mood somedays. I sometimes regret my actions as my mind changes once I’ve had time to think. Living with no regrets is impossible. We can only do our best.

14) Some people are afraid of never getting married. I’m afraid of getting married twice. I really don’t want that shit. My parents were together for over 20 years and it was all for nothing. Except for the birth of me and my sisters I suppose. It just seems like a shame. I want something lasting. But I also think marriage is stupid. As if it matters anymore! It’s a piece of paper that can easily be torn up these days. And vows before God? Doesn’t make sense when you’re an atheist. But trust matters. I wouldn’t mind the occasional blazing row where you throw things at each other. So long as when the dust settles someone is still there when you need them. I think we will all have someone like that. I believe in luck. Nobody is too lucky and nobody is too unlucky. The house always wins. And as for fate? Nah, that’s bullshit. If I was meant for someone then it would be impossible for me to take a load of pills and kill myself. But I could do that. You can’t have both free will and destiny. So nobody is meant for anybody, but the chances are we’ll meet someone in life that seems so perfect and sticks by us no matter what. Through the good times and the blazing rows. And in the far future, maybe you and that special person will be in your sixties and sitting on a park bench sharing a bag of chips in silence. Feeling safe. Knowing when you get home, you’ll put the kettle on and make two cups of tea cause that’s just the way things are. And when you sleep, you dream of the days when you were younger. And back then you had each other too. Some shit lasts forever. Fuck divorces, just make a good choice first time round.

15) Jesus of Nazareth eh? I don’t believe the dude was the Son of God, I don’t even think he ever claimed to be that. I don’t think Mary was a virgin. I think Joseph gave her a good seeing to after he finished work one day. I think Jesus was shagging Mary Magdalene. But I also think Jesus was a great man. It’s not his fault that the world went mad and he caused Christianity. And the crucifixion was a tragedy. But he was a great leader, way ahead of his time. I like his message, and if I could choose anybody from history to have a few beers with it would definitely be him. I salute you Jesus. You were a legend, and your impact on the world was so massive that if you were here now you would be ridiculously overwhelmed. That impact will last forever. The people are waiting for you to return and it’s a damn shame that you never will dude. And if you ever by some miracle (I don’t believe in miracles) return…I know you’ll forgive me. I’m only doing what I think is right, and I have listened to you and your teachings. And I’m sure that if you lived in today’s world, you would be an atheist too. There isn’t much point in faith once it is proved wrong. You’d probably lead in some other way though. Or maybe you’d be an entertainer like Derren Brown. Imagine the tricks you could do with today’s technology! Anyway, back then you were right.  The Old Testament is bullshit and you changed things. Love your enemies, I love that. If you only love your friends there really is no reward. Turning enemies into friends is a good thing. Having patience, strength and love is still important today and always will be. So thank you. And I encourage anyone to pick up a Bible and read your words. And it sucks that your own people wanted you dead, they were just jealous cause you were so popular. It sucks that the church in your name was nasty about your girlfriend and it sucks that your name has been used for power. But you were a great man. Peace and love.

16) I can hear the tv. I can hear music and it brings memories. I also hear the loud ass noisy fucking drill coming from the kitchen. Simon is putting cupboards up. Mum is cooking his dinner. Dog is happy. Gordan Brown is talking shit on the news. Sister just made me mash, I did the gravy. Other sister is in her own world. Cat is asleep. I am writing this. All is right at home. Except…it’s all bullshit. Si is desperate for his drink and speed and coke. I can tell. Mum is a fool. I have to let these mistakes happen. That’s what they say. Just go with it, bite your tongue and watch it fall to shit again. I hate the pretending. This is the calm before the storm and I predict that things will kick off again any day now. I’m tired of the shouting, I’m tired of it all. I need my own place. Fast, before I go fucking crazy with these lunatics.

17) I was unsure whether I’d include Part 17. I’ve decided against it. I wrote it when I was in an evil frame of mind and it is full of poison. If you were to read it you could die. It would murder you. I can write some disgraceful things. Am I ashamed? Nope. Just not in that mood now so will save that little nut for next winter maybe. Besides, the sun is shining so who gives a fuck?

18) Part 18 was me defending Part 17, so I can’t really use it now. It’s a shame cause there was a few nice lines full of hope. Stupid ass hope.

19) Well I need some kind of conclusion. Shame there isn’t one. I’m in a mess at the moment. I wish everything was sorted. Partly cause I’m lazy but mainly because I’m not too confident that I have what it takes to do what I want to do. It takes me too long to build a rapport with people. I’m not very good at getting to know people, maybe cause I’ve met too many arseholes in life. But I’m at this crucial point and nothing is going to fall into place. I can see hard times ahead. And I feel more alone than ever. Not because I have no friends or anything, but because everyone is going their separate ways. It’s a good thing, but scary too. Some people don’t handle this point very well. There’s an illusion you see. We think we are free to do whatever we want now but of course that is bullshit. We’re never free, there are always expectations and often our own are the highest. But it’s not just about a career. I used to think money would make me happy but now I know it won’t. I guess I’m a bit fed up of being single lol. Nobody wants to be single forever, everyone dreams of marriage and kids and I’m somehow 21 now. I need to try harder in that department I guess. I just can’t imagine me being in love with someone who felt that way about me though. And there ain’t much point in it all if you don’t love someone cause they end up annoying you as they ain’t really what you want. I’ve never felt pressure about the whole thing before but now I do a bit. I leave uni soon, so leave my flatmates there. Then I’m temporarily living with my Mum. But what next? I want my own place but I can’t see me getting a place with friends anymore. We’re getting to the point where couples will be moving in together. It sounds like a stupid reason to need a girlfriend lol, but I need my own place so need to find someone amazing soon, someone that doesn’t think I’m a fuck up and we have to end up living together cause I feel like I have to have that now. This ties in with my next 12 months. It somehow needs to all fall into place. I’ll get a crappy part time job first and live with my Mum. And learn to drive. Then I need to either write a story good enough to get published and make me a bit rich, or find a fucking career. Writing a story is a dream but never going to happen, so career it is then. At the same time, I need to find a girl and move things along fairly quickly without fucking it up. Then get the job, house and car all at the same time and play happy families until I get depressed and become an alcoholic and run away. At least I could then say I did it. I’m semi-joking here, but I wish things could happen like that. It’s so much fucking effort though and I don’t know if I can be arsed with it all yet. I was conceived when my Mum and Dad were 22 though and I’m 21. Not that I want kids yet, I’m not that crazy. But, shit me, I haven’t even been that interested in girls lately. Fuck knows what’s going on there, some crazy psychological shit I suspect. Well D doesn’t want to be Cold anymore (anyone notice I dropped the name? lol) and D does indeed love girls very much. I need someone to care about, I don’t feel right without that. My mind needs occupying constantly, before I go fucking crazy. Life is boring me now, so some fucker will hopefully make it interesting again. Maybe.

20) Nope, no conclusion. I’ve written a lot over the past few days and need to stop. I don’t have much else to say. If you read it all then I’m impressed and I love you. I love people that have time for me. Message me or something. Tell me your hopes and fears, so I can return the favour and listen to you. And yes, I mean listen. You can hear my voice, I know you can. Tell me your dreams and I will visit them. Yes, I can do that. You won’t remember when you wake up though, the best dreams are often forgotten as remembering them would remind us that life is rarely as good as our dreams. Dreams are innocent. All the bullshit is stripped away leaving our naked desires. No dressing it up, we want what we want and when asleep we reveal the truth to ourselves. There are no lies in dreamland and a zero tolerance on bullshit. If I dream about people, I know I need them in my life. That’s just the way it is. I’ve dreamed of places and went there the next day. And of course when I got there it felt right. I wanted to be there. I didn’t know that I wanted to be there but it was in my dream, so I must have wanted it. And when I got there, it kind of made sense, although I couldn’t even nearly explain why. Sometimes the place is a pub, sometimes it’s a fucking tree. I don’t make the rules. It seems mad only cause we don’t understand it. But I’m telling you, there is science behind that shit. Somewhere. Possibly. I’m tired now. Going to go read and then sleep. Got another day of sweet fuck all ahead of me tomorrow probably. Although a mate may be back around. I’m going to have to insist on a bottle of vodka (yes, vodka. Sometimes you just want to get drunk so you can talk freely) and a chat. Thanks again for reading, take care of yourselves and each other (Jerry Bastard Springer!?).

Love Darren xx

 

Uncertainty Will Cost Me

06/04/08

Well the Easter holiday is behind me and the final chapter of uni is about to begin. Easter was pretty shit, the highlight of most days was the walk to town and back lol. I don’t like living in Cannock cause it’s a blag getting to Rugeley to see people. But then Rugeley doesn’t even nearly feel like home anymore, I have a strange feeling about the place. And hardly any of my mates came back from uni this time, it was a poor showing lol. So it was quite boring, although there were a few things that were cool. Family life was the best it has been in ages, so that’s a plus. Other things sucked. My actions were partly to blame for this. I know of people that have changed a lot over the years but I too have changed. Somedays I feel like a stranger to myself. But some things never change I guess.

And what of the future? It is full of uncertainty. As I’ve said plenty of times, my life was only ever planned up until this point and now anything can happen. I know I’m not going to walk straight into a career when I leave. The current plan of action is this: I’m going to try to attend every lecture that I have remaining, partly cause I need to and partly because I should make the most of it. I only have 20 days of lectures remaining in my entire life and then it’s over. I have a huge fucker of a project to do during the next few weeks too, I need the motivation to do the biggest piece of work I’ve had to do since the days of A-levels. And also during this time I need a few good nights out, pretty much to say goodbye because currently I have no plans to stay in Liverpool :(. In 4 weeks time, exams start. There are only 3 this time and they are not all bunched together like last time and I feel fairly confident about them. I need to get that 2:1 but if I don’t, fuck it. And then, come May, I leave this place and go back to Cannock for a few months. And at the moment, the next step in life may be in Hull. My mate Nick is the only person who can relate to my situation at the moment. We both finish uni and nobody else from our little crew finishes for at least another year. He thinks that getting a part time job and getting a place in Hull will allow him to live the student life of dossing around for another year before any big decisions need to be made. Amen to that. I quite like the idea of this plan which is basically just delaying any real responsibility. A whole year of working part time and getting pissed and chilling the fuck out whilst planning the next stage of life appeals to me. This plan isn’t set in stone or anything, but it’s the only idea I have at the moment. And me and Nick would have a right laugh, he’s always been the drinking buddy that keeps up with me the best lol. And Handy is there too. Good shit.

I feel like that is the easy option I’m taking there. And I feel like I’m going to miss Liverpool quite a bit. Maybe I’ll never have a real home again, I can see myself wondering from city to city and never settling. I still miss Rugeley, but Rugeley isn’t the same. I miss how things were. If all my mates from Aelfgar moved back to Rugeley, I’d move there too, but nobody will, everybody has fucked off and that’s it. Why the hell did we all spread out over the country? If I could go back in time, I would have tried to have got us all to go to the same uni really but it just never really occurred to anybody. And everybody always says “I have awesome friends at uni, but it’s not the same as all you guys back here”. Yeah, well we grew up together. It’s different at uni, you have to make new friends and some of them aren’t really friends, you’re kind of just forced to get on with it. There’s no point dwelling on the past, but I do miss the old days. The days where as soon as I got back from the first few months of uni my phone was going constantly as everyone demanded me to be out and doing stuff with them. No time to wipe my arse when back at Christmas, Easter and Summer, it was pub or something everyday with someone or other. Now that has gone and it’s all business. Everything is about working and getting money and there isn’t much time to play anymore. Adult life sucks sometimes.

Life has kind of gone a bit shit really. I’m losing interest and ambition and everything. And I’m starting to lose more than that, I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. I really could go off the rails. If I start to feel like life is passing me by I will go crazy. I don’t want to ever be bored, I don’t want to hesitate with anything. If opportunities come my way I have to take them, mainly just so it fucks up so I can move on to other things and fuck them up. I’ll keep fucking everything up until maybe I find something that is only a little bit fucked up but mostly ok. A year ago I felt trapped, I wanted so much and could do so little about anything. And now? It’s the opposite. I feel too free. It sounds stupid and maybe it is. After all, expectations will keep me in place I guess. But I feel like the whole world is there waiting for me to grab it yet I’m frozen in place, afraid of screwing it all up and being a failure. And this year out in Hull is just hesitation really. I am shit scared of the future. So scared that I let the present slip by until time catches up with me and one day time is seriously going to kick my arse from here to timbukthree.

I don’t know. Regardless of what happens, life will go on. Even if I do nothing, I’m still alive and chances will always be floating around and some of them may even cross my path without me ever realising or without me using an ounce of effort. And if all else fails, I’ll always have Stella Artois. I’ll always be able to curl up in bed or on a sofa and sleep and dream. I’ll always have music. I’ll always be able to read or pick up a pen and write shit down. These little things are going nowhere. And if it all goes right? I’ll have my own plane to take me to all the different places in my empire lol.

You know what? Fuck the future. I’m thinking of the next 6 weeks only and the rest of the time I have on this planet can (for now) kiss my arse. That is the best way to think. Little goals over a long period of time will lead us to the greatest achievements of our lives. You can’t climb Everest in one leap x

Ire Works

18/04/08

I’ve been planning on doing this for a while now, feel like it needs to be done.

You know, music is a great thing. It’s something we all have in common. Sometimes I sit down and wonder what the hell is so good about our eardrums being stimulated by certain vibrations. It seems stupid how music can give us different feelings and affect our emotions and state of mind. But that is exactly what it does. Sometimes people won’t do, neither will books or films. Sometimes we just need some music and that sorts everything out. I have different types of music I listen to for different jobs, i.e. going to sleep to, waking up to, background music, car music (although I don’t yet drive) etc. And sometimes we fall in love with an album and that album is like the soundtrack to your life for that period of time. So it’s special to us, and no matter what anybody else says, nothing can change the memories and feelings it can stir up within you.

So anyways, a couple of months ago I realised I had a bit more money spare than I thought and I fancied buying a new CD. It was always going to be from the metal section but I wanted something different. I have a policy of buying a CD if I like the name of the band and know and like at least one song. I’ll gamble with the rest and sometimes the album I buy is only average, sometimes it’s quite good. I liked the name The Dillinger Escape Plan and I vaguely knew a couple of their songs. I also know people that at some time or other have mentioned them to me. I read about them a bit and discovered Mathcore. It’s debated amongst DEP fans whether their latest album even is strictly Mathcore enough but whatever. They’re a Mathcore band, just very experimental too. So, I decided to buy their release from 2007 – Ire Works.

£13. 13 tracks. £1 per track seems like a high price really so it was a gamble cause I only vaguely knew a couple of tracks and I didn’t know what to expect. 38 minutes long, a tad on the short side maybe. But instantly things drew me to this CD. The cover is cool. The song titles are listed sideways. Some names of tracks are from Quantum Mechanics and I’d just been through hell with that subject. One track is even called a number. The booklet had no pictures, just a hidden coded message that is based on colours representing each letter of the alphabet. So it’s fair to say the band had my attention. It’s all in the details. Now came the time to put the thing into my CD player and listen to it cause all the detail in the world doesn’t mean much if you don’t deliver when it matters.

So there I am listening to the CD. It was nothing like I expected, it rarely ever works that way though. I’d read about Mathcore so wasn’t surprised that some songs were 6 minutes long and some were not even two minutes, but I didn’t really like that. And there were quite a few instrumental bits, which I wasn’t all that excited about. Overall I thought it was average. It had a few very good songs and it was interesting but when it finished I removed the CD, tossed it aside and put something else on and didn’t think much about it. If somebody had put the £13 back in my hand and started to walk away with the CD, that would have been fine with me. I could have downloaded the songs that I liked for free and I would have had £13 back in my sky rocket. But seeing as that doesn’t happen and I never return things ever, the next day I looked at the CD again and I’m not so fickle that I don’t give different things a chance. So whilst messing around in my room I put it on again. I did this a few times during that week. It started to really grow on me. And then I realised that it was all I had listened to all week. Every time I went for a walk over Easter, that was on. I realised that this was what music was all about. I don’t just want to say the album is amazing. I need some cool sentence to describe it. Erm. It’s like a work of art? That’s true but also lame. When God designed music (in a strictly pantheistic sense of course) this was maybe how he intended it to be? Hhmmm. I know. The reason I love it is because it reminds me of a dream that is constantly on the verge of slipping into a nightmare. It’s all about the juxtaposition of those two ideas, I love that. That’s what I look for in music. And with Mathcore you never know where songs are going next. It’s never simple. Just like life is never simple. That sounds silly, but think about it. Love songs? Love is never a bed of roses, true love really is fucked up and strange but also amazing. Most things in life are and that’s how music should be in my opinion. You want the light shining through the darkness. You want to go on a journey. A journey that takes you through different emotions and somehow gives you an insight into how things are in your own life. And you want the music to entangle itself with your life so it always reminds you of that period of time. That is what Ire Works does for me.

It is only music at the end of the day. But it is something pretty special and I needed to write something about it. Here is my brief overview, I don’t know much about the technical side of music but here are my thoughts anyway:

1) Fix your face

Firstly what a great name haha. And secondly, it starts straight into a screamy bit with the music in full flow, kind of like the climax of a song straight at the beginning. It’s different. It is pretty much a normal metal song apart from how it is fucking amazing. There are a few bits where it calms down and they just play, and they can bloody play. Proper musicians. And Greg Puciato’s voice is great. This song is a great introduction to the album and is full of energy. But it gives no indication of how the rest of the album will actually go and that is definitely a good thing. Never judge a book by it’s cover? Never judge this album by it’s first song.

2) Lurch

Pretty much more metal. Screaming, full of energy. A few nice, strange touches that take a few listens to appreciate. I love this song almost as much as the last but these two tracks are still misleading, in a good way. I like to be mislead, I don’t like things simple.

3) Black Bubblegum

Now it gets very interesting. Forget what you thought you knew. Gone is the metal, now it’s more like rock I guess. No screaming, now it’s singing – even high pitched singing. Very nice lyrics. Some cool bits where the music cuts out and he sings away from the mic. Totally different to the last two songs but absolutely stunning, very catchy, gets stuck in your head all week. You can’t help but want to get up and bounce around and sing along. Fucking brilliant song.

4) Sick on Sunday

Once again, forget what you thought you knew. We’re stepping into Mathcore territory now. The album is now going to dissend into chaos for a while. This is what threw me at first, I didn’t like it. But eventually you come to realise it is just the work of a genius or something. Look out for the random scream out of nowhere, and the fairyground, weird shit that goes on. It’s mostly instrumental, until the cool singing at the end. Also, the songs around here kind of merge together. Sometimes I think the second half of this track is the start of another track, awesome!

5) When Acting As A Particle

Quantum Mechanics reference! Quantum cause the next one is a wave so Wave-Particle Duality. Instrumental, interesting, leads into the next song very well.

6) Nong Eye Gong

A nightmare that sometimes allows you to get your head above water and take in air before it tries to drown you again. A crazy song, bloody awesome. It’s short but oh so sweet.

7) When Acting As A Wave

Instrumental. Really good, of course. Gives you a break in between two songs full of a crazy amount of energy.

8) 82588

Yeah, the song is called 82588. A heavy song, after the nice intstrumental the change in pace out of nowhere is ace! Good lyrics also.

9) Milk Lizard

The single. Even catchier and better than Black Bubblegum. It is so good, one of the best songs ever in the world. Fantastic lyrics, amazing screaming and singing. A random piano that somehow works awesomely. This song is a journey within a journey, unbelievable. It’s the kind of rare song that I want to just play again when it’s finished. Everybody should hear this song and I bet most will like it after hearing it a few times.

10) Party Smasher

Another mad one. Starts off heavy, calms slightly, goes crazy straight away again. It hints at chilling out just to fuck with you. Great guitar play. Dude’s scream is cool as fuck again.

11) Dead As History

This kind of song is not my cup of tea usually, but once again, these can do it. It takes ages to get going. You don’t hear much for nearly a minute, and then it’s a haunting build up and doesn’t kick in until about one minute forty seconds. But the wait is worth it. If I could sing, I wish I could sing like he does in this song. It’s just supercool. The music and everything about this song is outrageously good. It’s maybe my favourite song in the world right now. Even though it takes ages to get going and when it does, it’s not particularly long considering the wait. But, you just have to hear it all to realise that it is almost perfect. This one is a memory one, maybe it won’t affect others in the same way. But I love it. Haunting end aswell, very nice indeed.

12) Horse Hunter

This song sums up the album really. It has a mix of everything. Starts off really heavy, immediately. Then gets a bit jazzy, if you can dig that. Dissends into madness and then it’s up and down and all over the place like a roller coaster. Nice singing going straight into screaming and back. That kind of thing. Exactly my kind of thing. The calm before the storm. And at two minutes the song totally changes and is unrecognisable almost, I love it. It would be a great ending to the album, if there wasn’t another track to come still.

13) Mouth of Ghosts

The longest track. Starts really slowly and calmly. With a piano. And it’s such a change from the last track again that you can hardly believe it’s the same band. This isn’t metal, it’s something else. A mix of things. This song is epic and a fantastic finish to a fantastic album. As it builds and takes you on the journey, you are by now realising that this is special. And you’re thinking of pressing play again as soon as the song ends, yet you never want the song to end. It’s magic and it’s like medicine.

That’s what the album has been for me. Medicine. Therapeutic. I get lost in it and my worries don’t seem to matter anymore. I salute you DEP and I give this album 10/10. I never do that. I never write reviews about CDs really. I rarely fall for a piece of music like I have with this one. I still listen to it daily and I’m not getting bored, just going to keep listening. And I haven’t even mentioned their other stuff from earlier albums. I’ve downloaded some of it and it’s all fucking immense, in fact I’m on a mission to find a bad song by them. What a band. I highly recommend this shit, buy it, give it a few listens and then just be blown away. Outstanding stuff x

 

 

The Lord is my Shepherd

25/04/08

I’ve been trying to write a blog for the past few days with no success. I end up deleting it half way through cause I just can’t put shit into words at the moment. Let’s see how this goes.

Well, firstly I’m going to confess to some stupid things I’ve been doing. I bought a Wii. That’s stupid for two reasons. 1) It was £210. 2) I bought one just before exams and it is a distraction lol. I’ve also been drinking too much, missing too many lectures and doing no work. I really needed the project mostly done by now so I could start to think about revision seeing as my first exam is on the 7th May. But now I’ll have to just stay in everyday and pull a few all nighters getting it out of the way. I know I can do it well, it’s just so boring. And equation editor on Word is the most tedious thing in the world. Anyway, I’m worried that I’m screwing up again and it’s so stupid cause I’m so close to the end.

The end. Yeah. Oh shit lol. That is scary. But also something to look forward to. I couldn’t take another year of lectures and exams. I’ve had enough and need something new. But not a career. That was my decision and it may be a mistake. Cause what if I never get a career? Hopefully I haven’t lost my way. I hope having a break from all the stress will give me an insight into what I need to do next. I think it will do me good.

I’m feeling quite relaxed these days really. Fuck everything. I don’t want to let things bring me down. People’s opinions of me are sometimes wrong but I don’t mind really. There is a reason for what people think. Some people say I’m a really great person to talk to. That’s cool, but whatever. We all are sometimes. Some people say I’m most likely to end up in prison. Well, it is one of my life goals lol. I think what I have been trying to do lately, is just accept who I am completely. There are sides to me that I don’t like, and that others don’t like or wouldn’t like if they saw it. But it is part of me. I am not a 100% nice guy. I’m not even 70% nice lol. And sometimes things I say or do are not even just mistakes cause I’m human, sometimes it is entirely intentional. Fuck it, it’s the truth. But I’m fine with who I am now, and I think my kind of people are fine with me too when they know me. I very often have people that say “when I first met you I thought you were probably a prick and we would never get on, but you’re cool” lol. That is the best thing I ever hear. I love that people think I’m a prick at first but as they get to know me they understand me better. If they knew me and thought I was a prick, that would shake me up. Cause I only let people I like know me, so if people I like get to know me and hate me…that would suck. But still, fuck it. I am me. The Immortal D-Cold, The Apostate of Death (okay, nobody calls me that one lol, I just think it’s cool as fuck. But it belongs to a Stephen King character), 100%…or just Darren, lol, whatever you know me as that’s just me and I am one person with one unified personality like every other fucker on the planet and I’m so glad about that now. And if you don’t like me, you can suck my fucking dick till you choke. Haha.

Mindless clones. I see them everywhere. People try so hard to fit in and then mock you when you don’t, even though last week they had someone do the same to them. I’ve never been a sheep, I will never be lead. Sometimes people accuse us of following a crowd when we in fact are not. I always have my own mind and I trust my instincts. If my “dickhead radar” is going off when you are around, it probably means you’re a dickhead. And just cause you’re drunk, doesn’t mean you’re talking sense. It’s just mindless boring shite and I’m not even listening, I’m checking out that fine ass over there and wishing you would just disappear. You’re older than me, so that makes you wise? My Mum is older than me too. You’ve experienced more than me? Oh, right. So do you want me to lick your arse now or later? One day, I too will be in my early forties. Will I be pissed in a pub talking shit to some students as if I’m owed something when I’m your age? Maybe. But until I look and sound as stupid as you, I’m not going to listen to a fucking word you say so save your breath, have another pint and get one step closer to the liver failure that’s going to kill you and I will carry on with my night, thank you very much.

So where was I? Oh yeah, people. Bloody idiots. I just don’t understand how some can get it so wrong when every sign under the sun is pointing the way to go. Well I guess they have nothing else really. It’s quite sad. But then, some brag about it too. They remind me of the few stupid drunk retards that you get in pubs that start talking shit and are obviously a few peanut butter sandwiches short of a picnic basket. That’s the way they’re going. When the only way you can try and get people to respect you is by trying to sound cool with all the stuff you’ve done in the past. Whoop-di-fucking-doo. Now you’re on your own. The world moves on whilst you’re in your own little bubble. Nobody cares except your doctor and the government cause of the money you will cost the NHS. They teach you this stuff in school, but when you go to the pub all of a sudden there are people there that have had no education for over a decade and they become your teachers. Degree? A-levels? Nah, fuck that this guy has got a grade A whilst studying as a waster and he also has grade A substances. This guy fucking knows his shit, he must do, look at him, he can barely stand and his skin’s yellow, that must be the way forward. So gradually, facts go out the window and feelings (urges) start to win. Your view on the world does a 360. You trade writing essays for writing everybody’s kebab order. You trade reading books for reading cocktail menus. People that are educated and care about the future become outsiders, and pissheads that think they can do a better job than Gordan Brown really are able to run the world and everybody should listen. If you’re earning any money at all in this world, you’re doing well for yourself and if you are £1 over minimum wage you are something special. But people on the dole are also cool. Drug dealers are like royalty, not the scum you thought they once were. Heroin addicts are the ultimate dare devils and should be given medals for their bravery. They shoot up every few days and still haven’t gotten AIDS and they are still going strong, battling away. Give them medals for that shit right now. And if anyone has a problem with anyone in the crew? Then the bad men will burn your house down. Aren’t they sweet? Smoking is the coolest shit ever in this world. Whoever invented smoking must have won a fair few awards. Everybody has a packet of fags so if you run out you still have supplies in your gang. And in this world, they all sit and discuss the weekly goings on over a cigarrette. Socially acceptable? No, more like socially required. Smoking is so cool that anybody who doesn’t do it must have something wrong with them. And the labels on the packets saying it will kill you? Just bullshit, it will never happen to you or anyone you know. It does feel good to have a fag because it’s just ace, not cause you’re dependent on a stupid thing called nicotine and your body is all fucked up. Oh and £5 per packet? That’s a fine price! You make that in an hour! So for every hours work you do you can have 20! Wow. That can’t be true can it? Why does nobody advertise this on TV? It’s the best shit ever!

Haha, now I know most people will read that and think I’m being ridiculous, but there are poor souls out there who will read that and relate to it. Some people really do think that way and they are going to have quite a surprise if they ever come back down to Earth and see how things really are, how things always were and always will be. These people are of course misguided. It’s the doctors, lawyers and accountants that will run the world of course. And drug dealers really are scum. And burning a house down? Anyone can do it. Can you afford a hitman on minimum wage? I don’t think so. And yeah, your car may have alloys, but where’s your BMW at eh? I wouldn’t brag, but these people do. They think they’re so fucking good but there is a separate world to them and people from this world can’t see past the joke. Don’t get me wrong, some people are just living their lives as best as they can and what I’m saying may seem unfair, not everybody is as good as me at Maths, not everyone was born to be a scientist. Still, they have no reason to brag and be knobheads. But you’d think that all of these people are forced down this path and society should do more to help and protect them wouldn’t you? Hhmmmm. Two numbers, a letter and a shape are in my mind right now, can you guess them? The letter is A, yes well done. The shape is star, correct! 10 points for each correct number. 7, bingo! And 3, impressive. ….Anyway, some people choose this path and then say “we don’t understand them”. Well, at least they’re right there. I don’t understand. I wish I did. I’d do almost anything to help. But some don’t feel like they need help, some are too proud and stubborn and some just don’t want help cause they’re fine really. Maybe they’re on some higher level of thinking and they are right and I’m misguided. Life isn’t all about money, no. It’s about a lot of things. But I would trust a person who had a go at me for screwing myself up over the person that does the shit with me anyday. But that’s life. Shit happens. Life is what you make it. What are you making of it? And don’t complain about being tired, having a headache, feeling sick or feeling depressed. Cause the answers are staring at you when you look in the mirror and it’s very hard to have sympathy.

Anyway, enough with that. This day has been strange. I woke up early and have been for a few lectures but I’m quite surprised it is only half 6. I am now in that period of time that I hate though. I know for the next 3 weeks, it’s all about work and there won’t be much time to rest. All weekend I have to do this project. And I have a week of revision lectures, and every evening I will be doing the project. And next weekend, project and then revision for first exam. Do that exam, then it’s finish project and revise for second and third exams the next week. Do them, and then I’m free. The UK becomes my playground, I’m in a visiting mood and I have a few cities in mind, like Birmingham and Hull I think.

But until then, I have work to do. What a blag. But there is light at the end of the tunnel now. Until next time folks, same channel, same long hair, your host for the evening, Darren x

 

The Flaws of Imagination

25/05/08

“Crickets, clicking, in the silence. Ticking, making me feel empty, down to my very core. Hiding, in the silence, broadcasting tiny little violence, the clicking, ticking, in the night, that wasn’t there before”

I am nothing today but that may change tomorrow.

Go away.

I can solve this, I don’t need you. I need nothing.

Hello. I’m in a strange mood. It’s all this uncertainty, I feel like I should be doing something but I’m not. I’m just blowing the rest of my overdraft on booze. Pissing it all away like a stupid fucking pisshead. Ah well. What else would I be doing now? Getting a job? I guess I should. But where? And doing what? Fuck a duck in the ass twice, I don’t know damn it.

Go away. It’s sunny!

I need something to waffle on about to make this blog look larger than it is so people will only read if they kind of care a bit. Not that there is anything interesting in this blog, it’s shit. But what shall I talk about first? Any suggestions? How about the fact that there are loads of dimensions that we don’t fully understand? 3-D? Space-time? Nah dude, there’s more than that. Crazy shit that is isn’t it? What else? I know, I’ll wikipedia something and put it here! How about the golden ratio? It’s maths that may have been my biggest argument in favour of God’s existence back when I used to debate it:

“In mathematics and the arts, two quantities are in the golden ratio if the ratio between the sum of those quantities and the larger one is the same as the ratio between the larger one and the smaller. The golden ratio is approximately 1.6180339887.[1]

At least since the Renaissance, many artists and architects have proportioned their works to approximate the golden ratio—especially in the form of the golden rectangle, in which the ratio of the longer side to the shorter is the golden ratio—believing this proportion to be aesthetically pleasing. Mathematicians have studied the golden ratio because of its unique and interesting properties.”

Fucked up shit ain’t it? Read more kids, things are interesting. Right, now down to business. Well, not business. Therapy. This blog may be removed when I actually think about what I’m about to write properly.

Ok, so maybe there are many things wrong with me. I think I could deal with it all better but I don’t, and I guess some people find me very strange. But anyway, I feel like talking about one of the more interesting crazy things that I do. And this is very trusting of me to write about this because if you’re reading this then you are going to think I’m crazy. And you’d be right to think it I guess lol.

Anyway, I was thinking about it the other day whilst brushing my teeth. I rarely ever think about it. And it’s not a big thing but it is quite unique. And nobody will ever see it. And I don’t ever even see it, I wish I could film it so I could watch what actually happens but if a camera was there I probably wouldn’t do it so I guess I’ll never know. It’s hard to explain what it is. It will definitely sound fucked up. It started when I was a kid and it’s been part of me for as long as I can remember. You know how as kids, we kind of role play? Like play Mums and Dads and shit like that? Yeah, we all take on a role and play a big game and we just imagine we are certain characters. And our imaginations are amazing when we are kids, the game can be so real and so fun. You don’t stop and think that it’s stupid, you just play. Pretend. Well I guess that’s how this started for me. My imagination is crazy. Totally crazy. Sometimes when I was bored I could have one of these role playing kid games by myself and I was all the characters. It’s like day dreaming really and so it really isn’t that bad, but this imagination could take over me temporarily. I used to get so engrossed in it that I would forget everything else. And I do things whilst in this state. When I was a kid I used to sort of run up and down. But not properly. Anyone who looked would see that my aim was not to get anywhere, and I wasn’t even really there. My mind wasn’t anywhere. It had gone off to wonderland. Anything could spark this kind of shit, like watching a cool tv programme or something. After it ended on tv, I could make it continue in my mind if I had nothing to do and I get so involved in plotlines and stuff lol. This was then, not now. But yeah, it was mad. My Mum maybe wouldn’t remember now, but she knew it was a bit strange. So then I became aware that it wasn’t normal, so stopped doing it in when people were around. It’s no big deal, I’ve probably made it sound crazier than it was. I suppose there is some reason for it. Maybe just boredom, maybe due to major psychological issues lol, I don’t know. But yeah, I could spend hours in this daydream state and it can become another life. Like a soap going on in your head, permanently if you want. You can watch it as much as you like and do what you like in it. You are in control. Sometimes I remember thinking “whooaaa, this is too fucking big to think about so I’ll think about it later in bed when it’s quiet” lol. Crazy, I know. But it was no big deal really, I was still mostly normal so don’t think I’m a psycho now ok? I was just a dumbass kid, and I’m sharing something big here so don’t laugh. This is my therapy.

Anyway, that was then. So, the question is, what happened to this crazy shit? Did it ever go? The answer is no. And I never really think about it, it’s just part of me. It’s like having a shit lol. Every now and then, you need a shit and you have one. Poo comes out of your arse. And then you wipe your arse, wash your hands and go about your business. Sorry for being gross lol. But you never think about how strange that is. This smelly crap comes from us. And everybody does it lol. But when you are having a shit, you don’t really think “oh my God, I’m shitting here, this is a silly thing that God invented for us to do”. It’s the same with this thing I have. I never think about it, just something I do, except unlike shitting, nobody else does it apart from people locked in padded cells lol. So it was strange to actually think about it the other day. I know I still do it, but embarrassment over it as a kid forced me to keep it secret. If someone walked in the room and I was in this “state” I’d snap out of it immediately. But if I didn’t know someone was in the room…and they were watching…what would they see? I don’t actually know. If they said my name would I respond? I guess so cause I’d shit myself that someone was there and I can always pull back, I remain in control and I’m always aware and stuff still. It just goes far away and I can let this other world just come to the front of my mind. Like dreams. When you sleep, everybody enjoys cool dreams. I can just sort of switch to that kind of thinking (dreaming) whilst awake. And it’s quite powerful and just a tool to pass the time whilst having nothing to do. Prison wouldn’t be that boring for me, I would just leave. My body would be there still of course lol.

I feel like I have to defend myself now. I know I never had to say anything about this but I really want to be true to myself and this is part of me and thought it would be quite brave to talk about it. And maybe important. I guess if anyone has read this, a certain word may have come to your mind. Schizophrenia. I’m not schizo, just a day dreamer lol. I don’t do it loads either. And I do know the difference. I guess I’m a bit detatched sometimes. And I don’t know, maybe I need help. It doesn’t feel like I need help though. Maybe I’m just a massive introvert and that’s all there is to it. Maybe one day this portal to another world will pull me all the way in and I’ll be locked in wonderland forever and in the real world I’ll just be in a coma or something. I don’t think so, but you never know. The interesting thing about it for me is, I’d love to know what I do when I do it lol. I’m not certain of when or how frequent it happens, but I know the other day it happened when I read a story about Real Madrid wanting to buy Cristiano Ronaldo for £100 million. That got me thinking. About all the pros and cons for Madrid, Man Utd and Ronaldo for that kind of deal. All details of the transfer started going through my mind and it became a kind of day dream (well you could say it was a nightmare since I would hate for Ronaldo to leave us lol) but for some reason I snapped out of it to try to see what I was actually doing and I was standing up over the other side of the room without consciously doing so. I thought nothing of it, it’s fine. Then I went to brush my teeth and then thought about what actually goes on during these day dream things. And I realised I’d had it all my life. And I wonder if it’s just me? Is this normal? Or fucked up? Lol. I don’t mind being fucked up. It’s not that bad, just a wild imagination I guess. And it’s not like it affects me or anything cause nobody knows jack shit about this. I’ve never told anybody and I’m way too sly and devious for my own good, so nobody would ever find out anything about me unless I wanted them to. And nobody would ever have known this. But I told you. Although I don’t trust you. I don’t trust who reads these things, enemies could use this stuff against us. But at the same time, I really don’t care what many people think of me. I care about some opinions though.

So why am I sharing this? I want a record of it because I may not always have it. And it’s good to talk. But I could never explain it in a conversation anyway, I haven’t even explained it well here. But there it is. I’m crazy. You all suspected it and now you know it’s true lol. I’m so bloody hungover, going to get a cuppa tea and C the F-O for a bit. Peace out.

PS: Some clocks have a hundred faces x

Disaster Strikes for an Overturned Truck Whilst the Sun Shines like Lady Luck

 

21/07/08

“Just hold tight and tell another fucking joke to pacify the urge for suicide. You know it won’t keep waiting”

Well this is a quick one. Just thought I should document the craziest thing my eyes have ever seen. Literally. And to think I wouldn’t have even seen it if I’d have set out 10 seconds earlier or later. Anyways, I was walking into town listening to my tunes and just as I get to the island by Blockbusters I look up and see a …what the fuck do you call ’em? Dustbin disposal things? It’s them truck things that empty wheely bins. In fact I don’t think it was one of them, it was some truck of some kind and I think it was something to do with rubbish. Anyway, the point is that this thing was just coming off that island by blockbusters…and it was on two wheels. The whole right side of the fucker was in the air. My first thought was absurd…I thought maybe it was some stunt for a film. In Cannock haha. Anyway, the thing tipped right over onto it’s side, I heard the loud ass crash of glass and metal as it bounced off the concrete, cars were swerving to avoid it, and the thing was skidding towards me. This happened mere metres away from me, as a pedestrian I literally couldn’t have been any closer. You know when you see crashes in a film and the cars always seem to flip over and over? Well if it had of done that it would have landed on me lol. It stopped a few steps away from me. It was mildly surprising. I stood there for a bit and thought about it. People rushed over to check the driver was ok and they had dialled 999 so it was fine. I then went about my business as fire engines, ambulances and all sorts turned up. It was funny cause I was the only person walking away from it instead of towards it, that showed how much I cared lol. But yeah, that was cool. I hope the dude is ok, but 1) he must have been driving like a dickhead and 2) I could have been killed and that would have annoyed me. But I was so close to it! You don’t expect things like that to randomly happen right in front of you. If I had crossed the road there then I would be dead now and sometimes I do cross near there. That’s awesome.

We are just organic matter and we could die at any time. The thought of it inspires me x

 

The Nightmare, the Parable and Fatal Desire

13/08/08

I refuse to fall flat on my face.

First, the nightmare. It’s a recurring nightmare that I’ve had for as long as I remember. And it’s very powerful. It happens during times where I have insomnia, so I can’t sleep but then end up dozing and have a kind of half asleep, half awake dream. And it’s hard to put into words since it’s mostly things that are felt. But in word form, this is how it goes: I see the back of the bedroom (or whatever room I’m in) and there seems (not sure) to be a female there. She doesn’t speak to me but I sense that she cares. She kind of screams/sings softly, almost silently and it fills me with both comfort and dread. And there is a flat line, almost invisible and this represents something, possibly my fear of her and as I’m not scared of her cause I swear she’s trying to help me the line is barely visible. She’s an angel. But then it changes. I become instantly terrified as the woman at the end of the room disappears (this room is always the room I’m in, I can see it cause I’m kind of awake) and in her place there is a man with a beard and he is very close to me, right up in my face. And he’s screaming at me and he hates me, you can feel the hate in the air, he doesn’t even need to speak. Then there is a huge, thick line that represents my fear (huge) and how trapped and suffocated I feel. The walls close in and I feel so claustrophobic. Next the whole scene changes and we’re in some kind of factory/forest (strange I know). It’s like an out of body experience too as I see myself walking around this place. I feel worried for myself. There are pipes/branches everywhere and it’s dark. It’s so easy to hide and I feel like I’m being watched and followed. And then as I look at myself, in the background far away that same man pops his head out of a place he is hiding, and this is the climax as the camera then zooms away from me right up to his face all the way in the distance. He has a lizard’s tongue and he is only half human. And he follows me and wants me dead. And that angel is never in this place, she’s gone and I’m all alone in the middle of nowhere being stalked, unaware that I’m in serious, serious danger.

That is my nightmare, I’ve always had it and it’s always the same pretty much. It is so scary. And when you wake up, it doesn’t stop. You relive it and can’t escape it. It’s mostly just feelings, not images. It’s really fucked up.

The parable is this: I need to take a basket of eggs somewhere. So I get a basket and I fill it with eggs and off I go. Some eggs fall out and break, but I go on. Until I’m tripped up and most of them break. Disgusted with myself, I throw the basket at a wall and break the rest and walk off. Then I buy loads of baskets and put a couple of eggs in each. It’s so much effort carrying them one by one to the place, and some of them still break as I still fall down sometimes. But some of them make it. It’s more effort and not always easy, but it does sometimes work and this is good.

Fatal Desire

I had more Parables that I wrote in a drunken, half asleep state the other day but I lost them. Mum probably through it out with the rubbish. And it was probably rubbish anyway. Time for confessions. Things are so fucked right now that I don’t know how to find the determination to do stuff. My behaviour has become rather strange. I’ve been accused by an alcoholic of being an alcoholic myself. At first I laughed it off. But then I checked my bank balance and realised I’ve spent £140 in 8 days on booze. And I’m drinking all the time. And when I wake up, I fancy more. And I wake up pissed still. I think I have a problem. I extended my overdraft and have just blown it straight away on booze.

So that ain’t good. And I’m off to Liverpool this weekend and that will be messy cause I’m going to be so pissed it’s stupid. And I can’t control myself when I’m like this now. I tried to smash up my mates house the other day. I looked at myself in the mirror and just thought “let’s throw this bottle at the mirror” and then I pulled my arm back ready to throw and had to be stopped. I’m out of control, I wanted to kill my mate. I don’t even remember why. I was falling asleep whilst standing up the other day and so lay down, then couldn’t sleep so I just sat down. My Mum had a bit of a go at me for being a pisshead and I ripped into her, even though she’s mega depressed. She gave me a reason and I just let poison flow out of me. My mate asked why I was being like this and I said “this is who I am, fuck you”. It isn’t me, yet it somehow is too.

I have some vague plans though. I have this mammoth piss up in Liverpool to look forward to and I may even be plotting a full time return there. Once my mates go back to uni, I’ll have nobody. Rugeley is mostly shit now, full of knobheads and that little slag that I can’t stand. And I don’t know anyone in Cannock, and Liverpool is amazing. I may just go back and never return. But there are things that need to be done here. A piss up next month that I need to go to in Rugeley. Also, Nick and Handy are back and I need to catch up with them. Nick says he’ll be around till November and he wants to talk me in to going to Australia. I’m well up for it, but don’t know where I’ll get the money. So where do I get a job, here or Liverpool? I need to learn to drive too and I need to sort myself out so I can be a teacher. At the moment, I’m too fucked up to teach kids. I was at Yasmine’s the other day and she was making lesson plans, it was so cool. I remember us in Science classes together not so long ago and now here she was, planning her own lessons. Amazing.

I just need a job, I need that bloody bar to just pick me to work for them. I guess I shouldn’t work in a pub at the moment cause I will rob them of drink and be pissed on the job, but fuck it. There was a fit girl there that was friendly and that made my mind up, I wanna work there. 20 hours, pretty cool. But it probably won’t happen cause the world is gay. I’ll end up in a factory, packing stuff with a couple of old people talking about football probably. No chance to meet people in Cannock my age, no drinking buddies, no nothing. Just pack shit the fuck up.

I have so many worries. I’m so behind everyone I know. I’m getting more in debt. I know they’ll let me extend my overdraft again but I’ll just piss it up the wall. And it’s shit asking them when my overdraft is huge anyway, they give me a funny look cause why should I need more? Cause the world is not enough for me. But I’m not even worried and that in itself is worrying. I feel like I’m slipping away. I had the choice of two places to stay the night a few days ago, and in front of one mate I rang another mate to see if they had booze there. And he did, so I ditched my other mate. This is wrong, yet I need to. My Mum wanted me to buy electricity the other day, I said I couldn’t. But later I bought a load of beer. I guess I have a problem right now. But I’ve only got one can in the fridge now, and I’m promising myself that when I’ve drank it in a bit, I won’t get anymore. That will be a test of will power. But then my thoughts will harrass me and it will be hard.

I don’t want to go down this path, but it’s so much easier. I just want to forget about responsibility and ambition and see where I end up. Getting careers and cars and houses and girlfriends just seems like too much effort. I think I’m clinically depressed to be honest but I’m not going to the doctor’s about that cause it’s stupid. And I don’t have a doctor anyway. Fuck it. I need time, and I need help. It’s times like this where you find who your true friends are and who are fake bastards. A few people have disappointed me cause they don’t care, and it sucks cause I am always there for them. I have to remember that not everyone is as loyal as me. But some people have been awesome, dropping their plans to come on a drunken day out with me. I won’t forget that.

I should shut up now really, but hard times must be documented. I can’t believe I tried to delete myspace when half of the shit I’ve wrote here would be lost forever and then my book couldn’t be as authentic. I wouldn’t remember how I got to be the person I was and why people should listen maybe. I still wish I could delete myspace but I would want to save all this shit first.

FUCK IT X