Review of Ridiculous Ramblings



Before Facebook, in another life time, there was a website called Myspace. I loved Myspace. The internet seemed to spring up out of nowhere and change from a bit of a gimmick into the essential tool it became in a very short space of time. It was like one day I was at school unsure of what to do on the internet and trying to think of a cool website to go to before waiting five minutes for it to load and then not much later we’re all constantly online and connected and wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves without it. The full impact of how much the internet had changed things became apparent when I was 18 years old and had moved away to Liverpool for University. We all had MSN Messenger and though we all lived far apart we could talk constantly when we were in our separate flats through out the UK. It still wasn’t like how it is now where this technology has improved and evolved and now fits in our hands but it was still mind blowing at the time.

Then came social media. Myspace and Bebo were around before Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and all the rest. Myspace was just incredible. We all had our own website page and we could decorate it however we wanted, upload pictures, post comments, post bulletins, have our profile songs, fill in quizzes, send private messages to friends. And write blogs. Before this blog here there was that blog there over at Myspace. These words were written from the ages of 18 to 21. Eventually Facebook came along to compete with Myspace and although I got a Facebook profile I was so loyal to Myspace until well into 2008 even when it became obvious that Facebook would overtake and destroy Myspace. But there came a day when I felt compelled to leave Myspace forever as I wanted to close a chapter of life fully and firmly. I’m pretty sure the date was the 15th August 2008 and on this day I went to see friends in Liverpool for a week determined to look to the future. The way I got rid of Myspace ensured I could never log back in. It was attached to my University email which was about to be closed since I’d left University by then. I changed my password to a random line of letters and numbers and wrote them down on paper so that I could then type them back in to confirm the password change. Then as I walked to the train station to go to Liverpool with a cigarette I burned the paper so I’d never know the password and never be able to get an email to recover the password since I was about to lose access to the email address. So dramatic. Typical of me.

None of that would really matter. It’s only a social media site and anyway, everybody had gone to Facebook now. What really mattered to me though was the blogs I wrote. There must have been over 100 and though I remember many of them were total crap where I just moaned about lack of motivation and worries for the future like I do now, at the time I felt like I’d also written some good things about how I felt and come to many realisations. I always feel that through each blog post as you go through time you can see yourself slowly evolve and grow as a person. The Uni years were a huge chapter for me. But all was cool. Myspace still existed and though I could never log in I could still go onto my Myspace page and view the blogs. Though I never did really visit and re-read them I planned to one day copy them all and save them somewhere else. But then Myspace changed it’s whole layout and became some really crap music site that nobody cares about and all blogs and profile layouts were gone. That sucked. I was so annoyed. I guess once we share stuff on a website it belongs to them in a way and they can do whatever they like.

Recently though I decided to attempt to get back logged in and see if they could be recovered as they must be somewhere. I had to fill in a form and explain the change in email and wait for a few days but they sorted it out and linked me back to my old page. I logged in and it’s sad to see Myspace is what it is now. But they have an option to request your old blogs for download. Obviously I clicked that option. After a week they email me to say they’re available for download and yay I have them back! My plan was to post them all here on a separate page tab of this WordPress blog but I thought I’d re-read them first. I’m so glad I didn’t just post them without re-reading them because holy crap I was nuts back then. It gave me a lot to think about and I’ll try so sum it up here now.

Firstly I was surprised at how many blogs I’d wrote. I must have been writing them every couple of days at some points. The next thing that I couldn’t believe was that in the earlier one’s I wrote many words in text speak. That is something that I hate and I would never do now and never thought I ever did do in the past but there it was. Doing was doin. Something was sometimes sumfink. Also, I cannot believe how much swearing there was. It shows a lack of vocabulary really. The thing is you’d think I was at the peak of my intellect then since I’d only just left school and college and other than Maths I’ve done nothing academically since and had no reason to write other than messages to people and blogs. Yet I re-read what I wrote and it’s like I was totally dumb as hell back then. And naive. I thought I knew it all. I was self-centred in a really annoying way. I was brutally honest and gave too much away. It’s clear that I’m a different person now. It’s for others to judge if we change for the better or not but I did not like much of what I read that I’d wrote.

One thing I never do now is sit down to write a blog without a clue about what I will write. If you have nothing to say then just keep quiet. Sometimes I have things that I want to write about and that is when I write. Back then I remember sometimes just feeling like I’d write a blog for something to do so I’d click on the option to write one and just sit there and think of sentences to write. And so much of it is just mundane, self-centred crap. The earliest posts are raps that I wrote. I read them now and cringe. The influence of Eminem shows far too much. The rhyming is nothing special and there’s that honesty that is just too much. Some things are better left unsaid but I didn’t care for that back then. It’s that rap influence mixed with my youthful naivety that gave me the attitude of wanting to “be real” and “not giving a fuck”. Now I doubt many are truly “real” and I most definitely do care what people think. Surely we all do and I know I did back then though I felt like I needed to act like I didn’t.

Some of the blogs are decent snapshots of what was going on at the time and brought some memories flooding back. That was cool. Though I get angry at myself now when I read about how I knew I should care more about exams and start thinking about a career but was too busy getting wasted all the time and laying around doing nothing. At that age you feel as if you have such a huge amount of time ahead of you that you can afford to piss around and future you will pick up the pieces. Well present me is pissed off with past me for not giving a fuck about future me. It’s interesting that sometimes I seemed to realise that if I don’t feel ambitious whilst doing my degree then maybe my ambition was already dead. Some self-awareness seems to creep in throughout these blogs. Some nihilism and philosophy start to creep in throughout the anger and confusion. Themes of anti-theism start to dominate later blogs. I attempt to write chaotic things where I contemplate what it would be like to lose grip on reality. Some of these blogs still interest me now and it is interesting to see how I went from mostly writing rants aimed at people and the World and gradually seemed to calm down and become more reflective. It’s evidence of growing as a person which we all do during that period of life.

The present me has changed his mind when it comes to how much of our thoughts we should put on social media. I think it’s daft when people are so wrapped up in their own world that they almost put every waking thought out there for everybody to see. Being self-centred and narcissistic is quite a lame characteristic to indulge in. It can go too far when we’re tagging ourselves in every step of our day and living life through a lens rather than our own eyes. And the past me reminded me of these character traits that I dislike so much. Every few days just going on about problems like anybody cares. It’s like people on Twitter just spewing out nonsense believing there are legions of fans hanging on to every word and just waiting for the next episode in the drama of life. But life is mundane. Nobody is really interested in what we’re up to or what we’re going through or what we’re thinking. That’s not cynical – it’s just truth. We scroll down our social media homepage and barely pause except to look at a gif of a kid getting knocked over by a dog so we can have a chuckle. We may throw a few “likes” out and comment on a few things but the vast majority of what every person and every page posts is just garbage and doesn’t impact our lives in the slightest. It’s good to realise this as we grow as people. It keeps us humble. Don’t moan because there are people worse off than you and nobody cares. Don’t brag because your life is mostly shit and nobody cares. Stay humble. Keep your darkest secrets and inner-most desires to yourself and outwardly give support or occasionally criticism to those around you. That is how I now feel it is best to behave on social media. Not like back in the day when I didn’t give a fuck and would attack and attack like a keyboard gangsta and moan and grumble and whine and bitch that the world didn’t understand me. Being understood is overrated. I felt a need to defend myself to a world that barely even registers I exist let alone gives a damn about the alleged complexities of my own daft mind. It’s an absurd thing to do to defend oneself in such a way. Nobody’s watching anyway and that’s true for us all. We spend too much time worrying about what others think not realising that others are just thinking of themselves and worrying what others think of them. We don’t give others much thought and yet think that is not the same when it comes to you because you’re special and people are shocked by you or confused by you or amazed by you. Nobody cares. I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t grow up and learn this stuff more quickly. But I was young and foolish as we all are at some point.

Still though I am glad I wrote them. It’s good to compare and contrast. You get to see where some parts of you faded away and where some parts of you began. Some of them are so cryptic I barely even know what I was writing about now but there is the odd interesting point I make in the vast ocean of overly dramatic insanity. I think I will post a few of the ones that aren’t too cringe-worthy or incriminating. I like the philosophical ones I did. But most will be locked away in the labyrinth. I’m now pretty glad that Myspace took them all down. It was pretty cool though to take a trip down memory lane and though we should never live in the past it’s ok to visit from time to time and I’ve always travelled back more easily with words than pictures. And that’s why I write these things. It’s all about the snapshots. One day I’ll be 40 years old and re-reading these and cringing but remembering and comparing and contrasting. We’re always learning and ever growing. Some people say never look back. But how do you know which way is forwards if you don’t know where you’ve been and how do you know what to leave and what to take with you?


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Idealism Is Not Ideal


February 14th 2017. Valentine’s Day. I always have the same little rant about this calendar event but in reality if things were different for me with the whole love thing then I’d probably be a stupid, romantic asshole for the day like many others. It is a con and a load of bullshit and just people conforming to the norms of society for the benefit of retailers and restaurants but I guess if it brings some pleasure then what the hell eh? Buy a card, and the overpriced-and-certain-to-die flowers and some chocolates and the teddy and have a meal. It’s all good fun.

Youth fades for us all and the blessing and curse of this is that we gain experience and wisdom. Wisdom is sometimes a hindrance but there’s no denying truth so it must be accepted. I’ve always had this stupid dumbass belief in an idealistic type of love. Like it’s a once in a lifetime thing that will blow your mind and change you forever. All of the films and all of the songs are right. There will be a fateful day where you have a random encounter with The One and everything will make sense and you can be happy for the rest of your days with all problems and triumphs shared until the end of time. Even possibly beyond this Earthly existence. Where an unbreakable bond with your soulmate completes you as you build a home and a life together. I guess for some currently under the spell this has so far been true and maybe it will last forever. Reality is what your mind makes it. If you can believe it then it can be real. Our experiences dictate what we can believe. It can cause a loss of belief. And then you start to see the whole thing as a joke. You see the emotion for the temporary insanity that it is as chemicals are firing off in your brain when in the presence of The One. You understand the delusion you give yourself and the trap that you willingly walk into to ensure that you have children with this other human you have chosen against your will. This doesn’t mean that you have to be pessimistic about things. You can enjoy the madness of it all whether you see an illusion or something real. A joke does not have to be truthful for it to be funny or enjoyable.

I admit though that I preferred it when I believed in the illusion. The potential pain is a risk worth taking for the chance at something that will fix everything. Even though nobody can really fix anything for anybody but themselves. There are benefits though when shedding this idealistic philosophy of love. For example I no longer believe that it’s a once in a lifetime occurrence. It’s rare but can happen multiple times in a lifetime. And the craziest thing of all is that if or when it happens or has happened again I believe you will forget to remember that it’s all an illusion. It will be the same old shit that you ended up believing last time but you’ll forget and believe that last time was a mistake and not the real thing but this new thing is the first time ever that it is actually totally the real thing. Just like when we’re born we forget that we’ve been born before and life is just a circle and we’ve been through all of this infinite times already yet we believe that this life is the one true life and all we have. It’s also similar to a panic attack. When we’re in a panic attack we think we’re having a heart attack and are about to pass out and die any second. This one is not a panic attack this time like all of the others – this one is real. Until we remember that panic attacks are powerful illusions and we calm down and laugh about it until the next time. Only the current panic attack matters. Only the current moment matters. Love is panic inducing.

So we carry on. In search of something we’ll never find until we find it and not realise it because that wasn’t what we were looking for. And when we find what we weren’t looking for we’ll swear to ourselves that we were looking for that exact thing, that exact person with all of their qualities and flaws. It’s all random and inevitable. If you feel alone that will change because your own brain will change your reality. If you’re with The One then there is still a potential Two, Three and Four out there if it all goes FUBAR with One. There is something comforting about the loss of belief in favour of truth. It can all feel so powerful when we’re caught up in the spell. But whenever you step on Lego with bare feet that too can feel powerful in that moment. That too shall pass.

So I know more than I ever did before. When younger I thought I knew it all like I was born with a fountain of knowledge and all of my beliefs were unwavering and would stand the test of time. And time did indeed pass until I realised that I knew nothing and still know nothing and will never understand or know much about anything but maybe just knowing a little more is good enough. In thirteen years time I could look back on these words and throw my head back whilst roaring with laughter at the absurdity of it all just like I can look back thirteen years now and do the same. Wisdom is relative and we reach certain branches upon the tree of knowledge at different rates. Some hang around on the lower branches content and happy swinging about with no direction whilst some race to the top and fall and crash back to Earth. None of it really matters. Every direction is neither right or wrong.

I found that dreams can die but they can also be resurrected. Despair can overcome hope but never truly win. I can feel things I’ve felt in the past in present situations and it gives hope at the same time it terrifies me. I can feel myself slip into my old ways. My hands urge to write absurd things. My brain dreams up vivid and crazy dreams. Aimless hopes gain focus and direction as chemicals are exploding against my will. I realise that love is bullshit. But so is a panic attack. Both still convince us of their power in the present though even though we can look back on the past and see through it all. Both also give an absurd hope for the future. Resurrected dreams can die too but we can choose to ignore this piece of knowledge. All of this unique crap has happened before and will happen again. The words we write, the songs we listen to, the films we watch all prove this. Every human throughout history has been captivated by love multiple times. Maybe the next time you feel that magnetism around another human will be the one hundred trillionth time it has happened since we evolved into our current format. But for you that doesn’t make it any less powerful or real right now as you look at this other human and pin all of your hopes and dreams on them whilst hoping they don’t stamp on them, laugh and then run away without a care in the world. And today we celebrate the madness of it all. Fuck the shops and the meals and the presents and all of that shit. Be stupid and dare to dream for a while. Nothing will be ok. Nothing is ever ok at some point. But right now maybe it is and good luck to you with it. Good luck to us all. God knows we bloody need it.

Happy Valentine’s Day fellow believers in absurdities x

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Subplots and Backstories

I know it’s over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real


Therapy session 413.

We all have a story right? Some kind of back story that is an accumulation of all that we have experienced and has paved the way for who we are in the present. They give us our memories and we’re able to act based upon how things have gone for us before. We have a continuous story from when we’re born to now and it plays like a film with low points and high points, successes and failures. Well what is my story?

It feels like I don’t have one. I feel like I’m just a minor character in somebody else’s story. In a novel sometimes the viewpoint of a minor character shows us a few scenes away from the main characters to show some other side of the overall plot. I feel like one of these minor viewpoint characters and I’ve reached the end of my little story arc and have no further part to play in the main story. In a way this gives me a scary sense of freedom since the creator of this story seems to let me continue to exist despite not having any further purpose. Maybe I can move off and create a spin off story and exist all on my own. But it doesn’t feel like I can as I’m still anchored in the pages of the main story and characters cannot just pull themselves away from pages. We’re stuck in the stories we’re in. Or so it feels.

If I was to write the entirety of what I think is my back story then it would basically show conclusively that I am nowhere near the star of my own show. Chapters and chapters would be dominated by the viewpoints of the main characters where I am not even around at all but instead I’m off page probably in some pub somewhere doing nothing significant. And yet this is supposedly my story. If the main viewpoint characters in my story were asked about their own back stories then I would barely feature. I’m just a background character there to give my few lines of dialogue every now and then. I’d get a few pages maybe if I’m lucky. And then on with the main plot.

It’s strange to think this way and I’ve tried very hard to re-wire the absolute mess of chemicals in my brain that have enslaved me. I want to break away and have my real own story where the current main characters are just minor background characters that have no real influence over my thoughts or my life or my plot. It’s so difficult for me to do though. I guess I’m obsessive. Sometimes I just love a mystery and absolutely need to figure it all out and cannot walk away until I’m satisfied. Sometimes I feel that having invested so much time and energy into the story of others I cannot just walk away from it all like it was nothing. No matter what I ever do from this point forward I’ve spent too long in the story of others and have been corrupted by it. Decisions I’ve made were based on this story at times. I feel like I’ve totally betrayed myself. Yet I didn’t really have much choice neither. It’s always been difficult for me to branch out and do my own thing since I lack determination at times and have no will power. I end up following the dreams of others rather than my own dreams. I follow rather than walk my own path. My own path seems so lonely and difficult that it’s easier to just follow what others do and stay in their story. I’m somebody’s friend. I’m somebody’s co-worker. I’m somebody’s family member. I’m a minor character. And who am I really and what am I about? I’m nobody and I’m not about anything.

Well I’m tired of it. To quit the main plot gives me temporarily no purpose at all and literally nothing interesting to think about or solve. Can a minor character even truly break away from the magnetism and aura of the main characters? If the main characters need help do I not just exist to guide these characters along their journey? How will I ever disobey what I feel programmed to do? And why am I on the wrong side in this story? I feel like I should be on the side of the good guys yet it’s a grey world and though we’re all morally ambiguous at times I feel like the characters that have allowed me to be a small part in their story are pretty evil and heartless. For some reason the villain in the story has been able to fool everyone into believing they’re righteous. And there’s an army of minor characters that are hoping to play a bigger role. Do I want a bigger role in this story? Truly no. I don’t want to be in it at all. If I had one wish it would be to have never been a character in this story in the first place. Go back in time and nip it in the bud quickly and leave it. I wish to go back to earlier chapters and erase what my character did and said. And felt. I wish to have been able to see the beauty in other minor characters through-out my little subplot along my little story arc. But some characters have this powerful arcane and dark magic and they’re able to cause massive disturbances in the lives of others. There’s nothing good about them. A narcissist cannot give any kind of resolution to anybody and they definitely can’t make themselves happy either. All of the main characters in the story believe that they are the story. Others fuel this because they’re all blind to the truth and get caught up in the mysteries and darkness and feel like they can elevate themselves along side these main characters and have a life just as full of drama and excitement. Fuck that.

This is what the truth is. Nobody is special. Fuck your story. It isn’t half as interesting as you think. You think you have answers? You fucking stupid cunt. You elevate your own image in your own eyes to the point where the only way you can go is down as you fall crashing back down to Earth. Beauty fades and energy wanes as time goes on. Illusions reveal themselves to those who pay attention. Today’s drama is just another snippet of dialogue in distant future scenes and it’ll get the same kind of attention as the day’s football results. These characters believe their own hype far too much and I’m so disappointed that I ever believed in this lame crap too.

Thoughts, feelings, dreams, songs, poems, nightmares, social media updates over years, art, philosophy, films, writings, sharing many scenes, a god who thinks he’s funny and likes to torment me…all of these things combine to show how much of a joke the whole thing is. There is no justice. But I’ve punished myself mentally for so long. I can’t forgive myself for my own mistakes but I guess I need to try to. I know that every now and then the pain re-surfaces and it’s because I go looking for it. I re-remember everything and every fucked up emotion I’ve ever felt weighs me down again until moving off these pages seems impossible. It’s like I need to keep reminding myself how stupid I’ve been. I’ve been to some dark places mentally. These words are not even a promise to myself that I’ll change as I know that for a long time scenes will continue to loop over in my mind late at night and there’s nothing for it other than another beer and a hope that one day I will have some hope again. I did feel peace for a while. And then I lost it again. The only thing that changed was my own ability to accept everything that had ever happened and let it all just be. See, I understand that our own thoughts create our own world and my own mind can write it’s own story independent of the past. I understand it and I accept it. Obviously I will carry on with my quest to be the star of my own show. Where I feel kind of anchored in my own world with my own set of characters and my own totally unique story arc that will begin, have a middle and some kind of resolution. We all need control over our lives and it is a terrible idea to ever let anybody else have control or too much influence. I need to break free of these shackles. I once talked about a metaphorical box where we can lock memories inside and forget them by burying it deep down into our subconscious mind. I think I accidentally shut myself inside the bastard and buried my own damn self. I talk about freedom a lot because “my fences are found inside of my head ’till I put these words in this rhythm”.

That’ll do. I know much of what I just wrote probably makes no sense but thoughts aren’t easy to process sometimes. It’s easy when you’re writing to persuade someone of something. But when you’re trying to persuade yourself it gets messy. I’ll sign off by raising a can of Carling with a wish for new stories. I’m a stupid pawn in a stupid game of chess where a stupid asshole is moving me round the board. But there’s still a chance to get to the other side and become something new. Much love to every person who’s ever felt like a minor character. And fuck you to the major characters with your narcissistic stories. Fuck you

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A New Blogpost

“Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
That you’d like to”


2016 ran away and became 2017. 1992 was a quarter of a century ago. It gets faster and faster and I really don’t like to think about it too much. It makes it all the more important to appreciate the moment we’re in like all those spiritual people say we should.

Incidentally 2016 was almost the best year for views on this little blog I do. It didn’t deserve to beat 2014 though. I like the things I wrote in 2014 more than 2016’s words. This blog is now 5 years old. As time goes on it will become more interesting to look back through them and in some cases wonder what the hell I was on about at the time. I still wish I had my blogs from myspace. They’d be cringe worthy but I’d be able to time travel back to early 2006 then.

I hope 2017 will be a great year. I never really plan much for a year. I just sit back and let things either happen or not happen. There are a few events planned that will be fun and so far March is heavy favourite to be the best month of the year with a trip to Latvia in the pipeline along with another crazy week of beers and betting for Cheltenham Festival. I also need to think about current job and living situations. On the one hand I can’t be bothered to look for, apply for and potentially obtain a new job. Life is mostly easy right now with weekends off and everyday a lie-in. Not doing too many hours and not having to travel and just about enough money to not be totally screwed. I have plenty of time to sit around day dreaming and reading and playing games and having a few beers with a few pals. But at the same time the job is dreadfully boring and also really annoying me now. Why is it employers accept and put up with lazy employees but expect a good employee to work miracles? It’s demoralising. Plus I really should actually do something in life. Society says I should be ambitious and strive for more and I can almost hear people’s thoughts about me these days. They think I’m a failure and I guess I am. Sometimes I wish for a job that would silence their thoughts. Even though I guess “their” thoughts are really just my own thoughts conveying my own disappointment in myself. Easier to blame society and others though. But yeah, I will be doing a bit of a think and having a job hunt soon again. And I’ll also have to consider where to live. I’ve been thinking about the south coast. I’ll carry on thinking about it a while and massively flirt with the idea before eventually dismissing it and staying where I am most likely. Staying is boring but also easier. I’m such a lazy bastard and have no drive. I have to accept this. Or try to change it. Sometimes I can smack a Huel shake down me and listen to Death Grips full blast and believe that I’m going to pack all my troubles in my old kit-bag and smile, smile, smile and move on out of this comfortable and mediocre situation but then other days listen to The Smiths with pizza whilst happy in the haze of a drunken hour totally content with mediocrity for at least life really isn’t too bad.

Wow, what a paragraph. I only wanted to say that March was going to be a good month and my life story fell out onto the page. Oh well.

Many times in life I have toyed with the idea of attempting to write a novel. It’s a life goal of mine. I love writing so much but I don’t think I could ever really be an author. For one you need a lot of luck and there are far more talented people than me that never get published. It’s crazy to think there are people that rejected JK Rowling and Harry Potter. Also to be an author I imagine is a hell of a lot of work which I’ve already established I cannot be bothered with. But I’m not really looking to get published if I did write a novel. It’s only my life goal to write one and have it exist in the world. You can easily self-publish these days. But the life goal requires the story to only exist on my laptop to be ticked off. If anybody wanted to read it maybe I could e-mail it to them. First though I have to write the bastard and that requires inspiration and plot ideas. I have a few ideas. I know what the book will be like if I ever wrote it. It would kind of be an easy way to get my own stupid thoughts out into the world (the world likely actually just being my own laptop) using the characters as vessels. I guess I’d just mix my own self into the characters a bit and hope that would suffice to cover up the limits of my imagination. And then there’s the plot to consider. I sometimes have ideas about interesting situations that I’d like these characters to be in. Great stories always amaze me though in how authors manage to wrap stories up with satisfying endings and I struggle with that. I can imagine a situation coming to some kind of peak and then just not know what should happen after that. Anything could happen and I would just get option paralysis and not know what to do for the best. I know I’d never want to write a happily ever after type of ending and the kind of ending I would want to write would not appeal to most people. I’m realistic about the fact that hardly anybody would enjoy my novel and that is why I have no ambition with it other than to write it. I do have a little idea about getting stuck with plot ideas though. Ever since reading the novel called The Dice Man I’ve been so intrigued by the idea of using a dice to dictate what one does in life. Unfortunately I do not have the conviction to use a dice to tell me what to do next in life. We’d mostly only give the options to the dice that we’d like to do anyway and if the dice told us to do something we really didn’t want to do it’s unlikely we’d actually do it. However I could totally use this idea when writing a novel. If I get stuck with characters or plot maybe I could use the dice and then roll it and let the Universe tell me what to do next in the story. I love the idea of that and the consequences are acceptable when it is only fictitious characters that could have their lives ruined. It could make the story a whole lot more random and organic. Random things happen in life that we have no control over and most stories are so blatantly telling a story (obviously) that it seems restricted and inorganic unlike life. George RR Martin goes against the grain here and has created a world where it really feels like anything could happen to anybody much like real life. But most authors pull their characters through event after event to tell us a story and that is awesome most of the time. My idea is probably stupid for serious authors. Why kill off a character that you and a potential audience will really like? It would be so much fun though and plot twists could be far less obvious if you as the writer don’t even know they’re coming yourself. You could even ask people you know to give you an option to add to the dice. Maybe you could try a few options and then decide on which one feels right and best. As ever this is all just idle thought unless I actually start to write it. Which knowing me is unlikely. My idea was probably conceived, existed and died all in one go in this blog and will never grow to be a healthy novel in nine months time.

So I have plans to write and I also have plans to read. Just finished reading everything I wanted to read by Brandon Sanderson finally. I know that he is an author I will follow throughout life and he’s a great author to be a fan of since he has such a prolific rate of firing out quality stories. Multiple releases per year. The guy is a machine. Currently I’m reading Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy and I’m enjoying it so far. I have a reading list which I’m sticking to and relentlessly going to be getting through it from now on. The fantasy novels alone will take me into 2018 and maybe further so this list is ridiculous but I do bloody love getting sucked into another person’s created world via their words. It’s a welcome distraction from the mundane and sometimes crappy world of our reality.

But time to stop being negative. My new resolution (not really for the new year but a resolution nonetheless) is to do more things that I want to do. It’s so simple and yet I often find that I don’t manage to achieve it. Sometimes I absolutely have plans to get out and do something and yet don’t ever get round to doing it. Sometimes this lack of doing things leads to drifting away from people. It’s such a sad thing to lose touch with people you were great friends with but I guess it’s just how life is. I have the bubble of a bullshit personality which is my wall up around people I don’t know and it takes me a while to build a rapport with a person. Once I do though it’s cool. I feel I’m a good friend to most. I like it when you have that kind of connection where you have many inside jokes and just know what the other person is thinking without them having to say a word. But these connections can still drift away from us if we don’t make an effort to stay in touch and I’m terrible for not just picking up the phone and seeing how somebody is even if I am actually wondering and planning to get in touch. So so silly. And before you know it they’re a friend from the past and you’ve downgraded each other to acquaintances. But then there are some where you just know that you’ve both changed too much due to seeing each other less and drifting. It’s just life. People change depending on their environment and when paths diverge too much it is likely the rapport you once had will be broken when you meet up again. I have to learn to accept that better. You can’t force things. Connections can be strong if you fuel them regularly but distance can pull them apart. New people come into life at the same time as people leave and that’s the right way to look at it. They say that our group of friends mostly totally changes every 7 years or so so I’ve done well to have a few that have gone beyond that and I do appreciate it. All of this ties in with my resolution. Sometimes I’ve just got to do better to keep in touch with family and friends and sometimes I’ve got to be just be totally ok with drifting from people that have drifted. It’s all good.

I’m kind of in the mood to write all day but think I’m going to leave it in favour of writing again here pretty soon. There’s many things I feel like writing about but don’t want to smash it all into one ridiculously long blog and then write nothing again for a couple of months. I mostly want to write about actual topics in this blog for 2017 and beyond rather than the diary type ones. I go over old ground when I’m talking about general life and so should only write one every few months at most. Sometimes though a topic grabs us and makes us angry or intrigued or inspired or whatever and those topics are what I want to write about. I do go through periods where I don’t feel like writing about anything and I guess that’s fine but I really should write here more as it often feels good to get stuff off my chest. When I’m angry about something it is better to let it out always and I do like to vent.

2017 has started off much the same as every other year whereby I re-realise that time is a man-made construct and has no actual meaning in our reality. Life just is and there is only now. The past and the future are all just ideas and they do not actually exist. I can wallow in the past and obsess about the future but it is all a waste of energy and leads to missing the moment. So I wish you a happy 00:21am on the 11th January 2017 and many other happy moments in whatever present moment you’re reading this in.


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Futuristic Food

“Look to the future now – it’s only just begun”



Over the last few years I’ve been giving much more thought into what I consume than I used to. For most of my life I simply didn’t care but as we get older I guess we all want to try to eat healthy foods and feel better. Or we at least have phases like that. I attribute much of how I’m feeling to the foods I’m eating. Also over the past couple of years I’ve annoyingly developed some digestive issues that I won’t go into. I know I have a long term problem of some sort and yet I hate going to the doctors so it’s guess work. But I’m 85% sure that it’s not life threatening and it’s probably something lame like being sensitive to gluten or something equally ridiculous. It’s common stuff according to various forums across the internet. It has lead to me being quite conscious of what I eat and was a major factor in me becoming a vegetarian, then a meat eater again, then a vegetarian, then a vegan, then a meat eater, then a vegan and currently a meat eater again. All of that messing around with my diet has probably not helped matters. And with that said it’s now time for the next experiment.

I’m obsessed with the future and how far we can go as a species. This is why I think Elon Musk is the greatest man alive. His ambition with Space X, Tesla and SolarCity is so impressive. With all of the technological leaps over the last hundred years I think it’s quite ridiculous that cars are still running on petrol and diesel. It’s so 20th century. Computers and smart phones have evolved and become so amazing and efficient and yet we’re still talking about miles per gallon as we pollute the atmosphere with ancient technology when it is plainly obvious that electric cars are the future. The whole car industry needs to get fully on board with this and stop holding things back. Musk is ensuring that they have to keep up and eventually they will stop slowing progress down once the market shifts the way it absolutely inevitably will do. That’s an exciting prospect. And then there is NASA who have been so interesting in the past but are boring me a little bit these days. They talk about maybe another mission to the Moon in 10 to 15 years time and they have a vague plan to maybe go to Mars at some point. Musk is building a system that he plans to use in the next decade to permanently have a settlement on Mars. It seems like after already going to the Moon in the Sixties it’s kind of lame that we haven’t been further especially seeing how in almost every other aspect we’ve greatly improved our technological capabilities. So I applaud Elon Musk again. He’s almost single-handedly dragging us forward and pushing us to reach our potential at a faster rate than we currently are.

So what has that got to do with food? Well food is another area where I feel we are lagging behind where we could be. It’s obvious that a Vegan diet is better for us as a species when it comes to the environment and our own health. If not a fully Vegan diet then we at least need to go further towards that end of the dietary spectrum. And yet many of us are still munching on utter crap from McDonald’s. Slowly killing ourselves whilst putting a strain on health services. It’s another form of holding us back. At the same time I believe that we need to move to an at least mostly Vegan diet I have to acknowledge that I am a very lazy individual. I struggle with being Vegan due to wanting a lot of convenience when it comes to preparing meals. Too much chopping stuff up, measuring things out and washing stuff up for my liking when Vegan. Always having to go to shops to buy fresh food. Always having to read labels. Having to plan meals and getting bored of eating the same things due to them being easy and Vegan. After a few months of it I totally fail and end up buying a pizza to put in the oven and then I’m back in square one. Today I stumbled onto something I’d never given much thought before but seems like the answer to so many problems and also to me seems like the future of food. It’s a shake that ticks all the nutritional boxes called Huel – human fuel.

I read about this product and was reminded by my own inner debate about whether or not to buy a Kindle a few years ago. There are pros and cons. The Kindle makes so much sense and is so convenient but you can never beat the feel of a good book in your hands right? Huel makes so much sense and is so convenient but you can never beat the feel of steak in your mouth right? Similar argument I reckon. The human body is a clever piece of biological machinery. It gives us incentives to do the things required to preserve our species. Breathing is good. If somebody chokes you for a while and then allows you to breathe then it will feel rather good. The process of creating babies feels good to ensure that we do it. Very nice of our bodies to use these incentives for us. Food is the same. It tastes good and is desirable so that we put in the fuel that we need. If the fuel that we need was already in our stomachs then the desire to eat will pass. We can bypass the whole pain in the ass process of having to buy and prepare food and then washing up with a freaking spoonful of powder. This seems like the future to me. Especially as this Huel has all of the recommended nutrients we need so we don’t need anything else at all. It has the calories, the proteins, the carbs, the fibre, the sugars, the minerals, the vitamins. All of it. Plus it’s Vegan. I understand that many people will hate this kind of thing as they enjoy food but to me it sounds too good to be true and the thing that I’ve been looking for over the past couple of years. I’ll be able to be lazy and have more time with which to be lazy. And I should in theory have more energy since it has all the good stuff in it that I’m also too lazy to make sure I have. The first order even comes with a shaker and a t-shirt which is nice of them and the cost per “meal” is apparently £1.45. Many times I’ve felt hungry but not had any food in that I fancied preparing and didn’t really want to go shopping or get a takeaway and this product could have been on my shelf ready for me to just add water and shake to get a full and insanely nutritious meal in no time at all.

I guess this kind of thing appeals to gym goers as a supplement as well as busy people that don’t have time for lunch. But it also appeals to futurists like me. It gives people more freedom as they can still eat normal meals and have whatever they want when they fancy. But I’ll feel better knowing I’m getting the good stuff, saving money, doing my bit for the environment and washing up less. Also hoping it is at least part of the answer to whatever stupid digestive problem I have since some Vegan food in the past was most definitely a trigger also. These are exciting times we live in as the future is here and we’re limited only by our imagination. Electric cars, cities on Mars and nutritious meals where all you do is add water. Bloody genius. When it arrives I’ll give it a go and then give it a review on here. Hopefully it tastes good and hopefully it works well. Who knows, maybe it can replace the Turkey for Christmas Day this year haha.

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Plug Me in and Leave Me for a While


Well bloody hell, it’s been two and a half months since I last posted a blog. Sometimes I can be so withdrawn that I don’t even feel like writing even though that is my best form of communication. I should have wrote about my amazing Las Vegas trip but that didn’t happen. Many times I’ve almost wrote an angry blog just attacking people that do things that annoy me (like people who are so addicted to their mobile phones that they literally cannot even shop without checking Facebook. Seriously, they stand in front of the bread totally struck dumb and unable to think and then they just take their phone out of their pocket and stare at it like zombies. Get the shopping done and then get on with your life, sod your social media shit. Ok, time to get out of this tangent). And I have a politics blog in the pipeline. Oh, also one day I’ll need to write about Israel. But for now I just need to write a bit of self-help to myself.

Lately, as usual, I’ve felt a lack of energy. I have a new idea about what causes me to constantly feel like I have no energy. And it is to do with personality types. We all fall on a spectrum where at one end there is introversion and one end is extroversion. I’m most definitely an introvert. It’s not always true but most of the time I like solitude. I look forward to being on my own and having my own time to do my own simple things like reading my current book or something. Sometimes I like to be around others and do things too but I always seem to need a break from it pretty quickly. Like if I’m with people doing social activities for a couple of days in a row then often it doesn’t matter how great an event can be I would rather have a day away from people. This isn’t unique at all. Many introverted people are this way and the reason for it according to a few things I’ve read is that social interactions drain us. We sort of recharge our batteries when we’re by ourselves and get drained quickly when around others due to listening and concentrating on making an effort to be sociable. Extroverts are the opposite. They are drained when alone as they need other people to sort of charge them up. They need the attention of others and thrive off social encounters. This makes sense for me. It sounds like such an antisocial thing to say and I guess it is but people really do drain me and some more than others. I keep my circle small. Some people that feel like they’re a friend to me don’t actually even know me as I just throw up this bullshit personality for them to interact with whilst staying in my own little bubble deep down. That bullshit personality takes effort. It’s a constant act. There are only a few who I don’t feel like I have to act with and so that’s why for me I feel like I have hardly any friends. I’m not sad about this – it’s just the way I am. When I’m on my own I’m mostly happy. It’s not like I feel alone in those moments. I feel a more deep sense of loneliness in the grand scheme of life but it’s not about solitude and more about lack of a connection to anything forever. That’s something else though. Being on my own in a flat for a day is cool and I love it. Being alone in the Universe forever sucks haha.

None of this stuff I’ve re-realised is new but it does give me a better understanding of why I feel such a lack of energy. I have a job where I have to interact with people all of the time. The bubble needs to constantly be shielded by the bullshit personality. The words out of my mouth need to be pleasant and cheery whilst the words in my head are often anything but. Being fake leads to being angry and that leads to being exhausted. My job has also recently changed. I no longer work nights. I was happy to be moving to more sociable hours as I really got sick of sleeping when the Sun was up and being awake when it was dark. But now I’m on less money, do less hours, have more social interaction and need to get to know a whole new bunch of people whilst heading into a busy business period. And ridiculously I seem to have people looking to me for guidance. I don’t want to lead lol. I know my future is not where I am now. I had the crap job that I stayed at for far too long following University. I needed to step away from that and almost anything was a bonus as long as I got away and I did. I stepped sideways. And now it’s nearly time for the next move. This move doesn’t need to be upwards for me. I want a job that I can do and not have to clock watch and wish to high heaven that I wasn’t there. I need to be able to afford to live but I don’t need much. I don’t have much ambition either really. I just don’t want to be bored or drained. Is that so much to ask the Universe for? I’m a good employee. But I don’t know what to do. There are some career types that I can just scratch off easily. I don’t want to sell things for example. I don’t want to even think much about profit and that limits me because all this world cares about is money. I really need a good think about this as I want to find a job that I can be moderately happy doing and stay at it for a long while. It would be nice to find that.

I’ll save my writing for another time when energy levels are higher I guess. For now I have a couple of more hours to enjoy being by myself before work. I probably will get the anger out with a blog attacking everybody who has annoyed me soon. And I definitely want to write about politics and how crazy things have become. Donald Trump, seriously? Wow, 2016 will be looked back upon as a turning point that’s for sure. I’ll save it for a rainy day. Peace x

Current TV programme: Black Mirror – incredible, everybody please watch it

Current book: Mistborn: The Alloy of Law – 2016 has been all about Brandon Sanderson for me

Current music: Chance the Rapper – If gospel and soulful music had a baby with hip hop they would create the sound of this guy who is one of the few mainstream artists today in rap worth listening to



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Black Holes and Toilets



Some people believe in free will. Some believe in fate. Some in a mixture of both. I’ve mostly always believed in free will. I can do whatever I choose to and that is the beauty of life. I can sit here and do nothing. I can go outside and cause mayhem. We all can do whatever we choose and our actions can change on a whim. We have to maintain control of ourselves because we are responsible for our lives.

The other day I was burning some energy via my exercise bike. The thought of exercise is exhausting sometimes. I can’t be bothered with it and it’s kind of boring. But I’ve realised that when the heart is racing and the oxygen is flowing to my muscles my mental state massively improves. It’s good for you and makes you feel better so you have to fight the boredom and the laziness and just get it done. Plus you can listen to music whilst doing it to alleviate the monotony of it. No only does this activity make me feel better but it also gives me time to think and my thoughts seem to race. It’s as if the brain tries to keep up with the body and processes things at a faster rate. So there I was racing myself whilst listening to Death Grips (always Death Grips. Tangential topic here but I urge every human to stop listening to all other music and embrace Death Grips. Especially when doing any kind of activity as Death Grips is like the most stimulating drug the world has ever seen. Their music makes me want to fight/dance with inanimate objects. Some of their songs just start like an explosion and you are almost literally blown away by their power. And then they increase the force and build it and build it. You think things cannot get any more intense but they do. They build to one explosion after another taking you to greater and greater heights. They achieve the impossible. And it all builds to nothing. It takes you to such a crescendo that you need some resolution but they give you none and will pull the rug from under your feet so you fall off the mountain they lead you up. You will feel pumped up and unfulfilled. The only thing to do is listen to more and reach those heights again. Death Grips forever). The blood was flowing. My eyes were closed. I felt good. I felt alive. I often feel half dead but right then I felt totally alive and blessed to be so. There I was existing and glad to be existing instead of not existing. I had a positive vibe about the fact that billions of atoms of the Universe were united in making the cells of my body work as a system to allow me to be there in that moment on that exercise bike.

Next I thought about those atoms that are currently “me”. I wondered where they have been before. The stuff that makes those atoms has always (always) been. This stuff has flown through rivers and been in the clouds. It’s been through space and at the very centre of stars. It’s been through black holes and toilets. It will exist forever.And it goes all the way back to the Big Bang. That’s where we all were. Every human and animal and alien that has ever existed and will ever exist came from there and at one point was all part of the same whole. This stuff blows my mind on a daily basis and is nothing new but still makes me stop every now and then and berate myself for feeling a bit gloomy when reality is so miraculous. But on this particular occasion it blew my mind harder than it ever has before. I had a thought and this is not a unique thought but it is the first time that I had ever really thought about its implications. The potential truth is difficult to describe and also totally potentially not the truth at all anyway. Every piece of matter came from the Big Bang. Every particle, every proton, every quark, everything. In theory if there had been somebody  there at the Big Bang with the right equipment then they could have measured the energy involved. The speed and direction of every particle could have been measured and with that information every collision between particles could be predicted. Therefore every reaction would be known. Every star and galaxy that would be formed over the billions of years would be known. Every gas and every planet would be a known guaranteed inevitability. The nature of the Universe was determined in the very moment of the Big Bang. If you know the state of each point of space-time at the initial point then everything else that follows is inescapable. You would be able to predict Earth’s formation. You would predict every reaction that lead to the first carbon based life. You could predict the evolution of each microbe due to knowing every detail of nature and how each part of it would affect another part. The dinosaurs were inevitable due to the conditions established in the Big Bang. And the asteroid that killed them was always going to hit at that moment in time. Humans were inevitable. And every reaction that lead to everything we have ever done was guaranteed. All conditions are known and given every condition is a fixed thing then every decision is also fixed. Every war we’ve had, every murder. Every marriage and every birth. All things were guaranteed since the very beginning.

All of a sudden this insane concept seemed to make more sense to me than free will. Free will contradicts a Universe where every particle can in theory be measured. The implications are scary and can humble a person. Maybe we are not in control of our own destiny. We are subject to a higher power and that power is everything that is connected to the Big Bang. Our DNA is just information that has been passed from the first microbes that existed throughout all of the history of life on the planet until it reaches us. Before the microbe were other compounds, before that there was space and stars and before that was the Singularity. It was always pre-determined. We call it fate. And fate is a fact if it is in theory possible to know the original conditions of the Universe. There’s no escaping it. If you think you can do whatever you like and escape it by throwing a brick through your window right now then it is just the chemicals in your brain reacting in an utterly predictable way and that too was always known since the very start. You always would have been there. The Earth cooled. Life formed. You existed through evolution and your ancestors and your mental condition is guaranteed due to your genetics and your environment and all conditions in all of nature and in every human brain was always known even if you throw a brick through a window thinking you’re proving your free will. It blows your mind. That we are everything and have always been and always will be. We have no idea why things are this way and where they’re going but we are a function of the Universe in the same way a supernova is just a function. Different reactions but all caused by the same event. It’s like there’s a beginning of time and possibly an end of time and there are events between t = 0 and t = infinity and this moment now is just a slice of where we were at (as determined by previous events) in the space-time that we can experience at t = 13.8 billion years.

Philosophically this is irrefutable. Measurement leads to predictive behaviour of particles and that leads to a deterministic Universe. And that means you are not free. So there I was riding the exercise bike feeling like everything has changed. Your outlook on life is much different if free will doesn’t exist. It means we are blameless for our failures and our successes were nothing to do with us either. The people we meet are guaranteed. When we fall in love with somebody it is utterly predictable and was always going to happen from the moment the Big Bang happened. Every illness, every fall down the stairs, every sneeze, every free kick from Lionel Messi, every beat (boom!) from a Death Grips track was literally written in the stars. After hitting my target distance on the exercise bike I ran to my laptop desperate for this conundrum to be disproved by some clever asshole on the internet. I knew the make or break of this dilemma lay in the realm of Quantum Physics. Can you really know where every particle from the Big Bang would go given the initial conditions? I studied Quantum Physics at University a bit and I would say it is the most complicated thing I ever studied by far. At school and beyond I always seemed to understand everything I was ever told. The truth always makes sense and I never had trouble understanding. My only trouble was recalling such truths under exam conditions sometimes. Except when it comes to Quantum Physics. I never really understood it and I still don’t. I don’t think anybody understands it. Maybe our brains aren’t capable of understanding it yet. But there’s a thing in this subject called the Uncertainty Principle. I remember that when it comes to the position of electrons you can only use probabilities and can never know for sure. The truth is something like this – if you know the speed and direction of an electron then maybe it’s 80% likely to be in a particular location but 20% of the time it will be elsewhere. That’s a vague and wrong example but that’s the kind of way it is. You’d think if you knew the speed of a particle and where it was going that at a fixed time later you would be able to measure it and it should be where it should be right? Not on a quantum level. It only might be there. And as soon as you know the location then you no longer know its speed again. It makes no sense at all. But fuck all that. The crucial thing is that it isn’t possible to measure where the hell particles may or may not go and so that may mean things are actually random and it brings free will back into the picture. The problem is just because we have no way of properly measuring things on a quantum level it doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. Maybe we just haven’t figured it out yet. And so this is the situation….if we ever figure out how to precisely observe things on a quantum level so that we know whether Schrödinger’s Cat is dead or alive before we look at it then that will prove that the Universe is deterministic and fate is real. If things 100% cannot be measured then I guess there’s a chance that we have free will. Intuitively things must be able to be measured right? There must be a way to know where a goddamn electron is for sure. If not then reality is so weird. Scientists need more time to work on this problem.

I believe (I have to believe) that everything obeys the laws of the Universe and so this is also true of things on a quantum level. I just think we do not have the technology and the insight for it yet. And if that is the case then free will is impossible. Everything I’ve ever done and ever will do could only have ever been the way it went and it was all predictable. My mind comes up with nothing unique as it is just a product of genetics and environmental conditions. Maybe a cigarette smoker was never free from it even before they got addicted. Either way we’re all a part of the same whole. We see light due to evolving eyes capable of registering a tiny part of the electromagnetic spectrum as a way to use information. But there’s much going on beyond what we can see. We’re so limited and these questions are mind boggling. That’s why I’m so against anything that hinders science and the finding of answers. We want to know why the Big Bang happened and what was going on before then. What’s at the edge of the Universe? An end or infinity? Why are we here? Where are we going? What are all the aliens up to? Why won’t electrons behave normally?

Sometimes in the most mundane circumstances these questions penetrate us and make us want to get a pencil and a ruler out and start working a few things out. I never expected a simple exercise biking event would lead to me reading about Quantum Physics again but I guess causality dictates that for me the latter would always happen due to the former and the former would always have happened due to my boredom at that moment. And this blog was inevitable.

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