Pandora’s Box: Ab Aeterno, Ad Infinitum

Descensus in cuniculi cavum

 

The ink runs out and the page bleeds dry; unfinished, uncertain

Still hurting. No confession. No flirting with an end. The curtain

Stays open. The show’s not over. I’m broken. No hope and

No redemption. Your name, never mentioned. My flame, in detention

Indefinitely. Inevitably. Only way see. Your destiny. It was meant to be

Going crazy. But next to me. Can of Carling. A little ecstasy. Thank you darling

I see a girl. She does a twirl. She’s just like you. From another world

Too much like you. Thanks for the shock. Quickly, vodka splashed on the rocks

I lose it. In the music. And dance for the clocks

She has a key. It can set me free. Up goes her hand for the locks

She’s in my mind. Back in time. Falling back… Pandora’s Box

She’s not there. Only you. But where? Don’t remember. Feels like December

Always you. Always will be. Need a pill before you kill me

Shut my eyes. Go to sleep. Not too wise. In too deep

Not in bed. Not quite dead. You’re more real here. Inside my head

A poisonous dart that stings. Starts to bring…lonely pain

Never again is my heart to sing…only rain

A darkening cloud sparks something loud. A far reaching sound

It rumbles under us, thunderous. Proud. Shaking the ground

Mouth’s so dry, I try to swallow. You speak and then hide

I try to seek. I follow

The rainbows just so this pain goes “Trust

Me” you say. I run away cause dangerous lust

Chokes like volcanoes dust

But I lose the urge to fight. These half dreams begin to merge at night…

 

In somnis veritas

 

Suddenly this gloomy curse is shifted, I’m a new person and I’m lifted

To another universe where gifted an alternate reality

That also just happens to be where all that really matters to me

Is exactly how I require, my heart and my mind are back on fire

It starts with a rewind to a pact an entire decade ago

Shunning me would have ignited a grenade explo-

sion and I fighted it as I was afraid of a no so

Quiet I stayed and frozen

Until a riot inside my mind made me enquire and I conveyed my emotions

A day was chosen

Shortly after you did a sponsored 10 mile jog with me

Words were formed to take your world by storm in a letter I left in Geography

I remember the trouble as I fumbled through an A4 word jumble trying to find meaning in a mess

I must’ve stumbled on answers to the puzzle – a straightforward wonder solving my need to impress and ending the feeling of stress

Now I look forwards instead of for words, many still look but I don’t join the search

I avoided hurt, so much joy it was worth

The risk – my fears were null and void. My words

Must have worked so no ring for them letters

Instead a ring for your finger is better

And whatever you want I’ll get ya – whether sweaters in cold weather or summer stilettos, laced and leather

I’ll upset you never – vendettas faced together

Expect I’ll endeavour to love you forever and ever

And ever since we dated you know my psychotic ways were negated thanks to your hypnotic gaze

Fate has made me crazy for you only, since you broke through that logic maze

No longer cold and lonely, say goodbye to my robotic phase

You find me in binary and see that my brains made up

Of veins and blood not steel and oil, reels and coils

But for you I’m programmed to be really loyal

Cause just as food is essential to a starved nation that’s riceless

I need you and you’re a valued creation that’s priceless

Definitely heavenly – you’re from the place that gives sight to the sightless

A place of immaculate discoveries, miraculous recoveries – girl you let there be light in my lightless world

My ideas are like a swarm of locusts but with you my ridiculous ambitions are refined – more focused – you give hope when I’m hopeless

And you know this does not go unnoticed and I hope this symbiosis between us never becomes endangered by my psychosis

But you won’t fucking cheat me and leave me and on this I trust you completely

Can’t believe how much you complete me – I can hardly believe that RD loves DC. How far we have come! With our spark we outrun even our dreams see!

Now that you’re my wife we need a soundtrack – a score for our life

Composed by more than I could do on tour with a mic

There’ll be violins on fire with choirs singing high and low in epic harmony in a psychedelic symphony

We can live a jolly life trying to live it simply

Or do wrong together like Bonnie and Clyde fighting with the infamy

Just as long as they don’t fuck with you if they kind of have it in for me

Cause I’ll get to them without the slightest sympathy

We should put our love in a book, feck it let’s give the kids a soppy story

As we sit in the sun Lehcar, licking a knickerbocker glory

In summer the world is our playing ground in the sun

We can’t decide whether to lay on the ground or run

We sit under a tree at night and tell stories to pass hours

We wonder if granted some wishes what we would have as powers

As we gaze up at the stars I realise I’d gather them on stalks in a vase for you as flowers

But wait a bit, I wouldn’t say that shit… you and the stars disappear. A rainbow appears

None of this is right and my pain grows with fear

The lightning’s insane glow is near and there’s spilled blood from my brain out my ear. I’m crying but the rain drowns my tear

 

 

Intersomnious

 

The rainbow’s colours fade, they go dull and grey

Face goes sullen – pale with fright like Edward Cullen in pale moonlight

It’s so warm, where am I? I’m lost and I’m burning

Tossing and turning in sweat even though it’s so frosty it’s concerning and yet

As I lay here dossing and yearning for rest and cool dreams maybe where I’m a boss and I’m earning thousands per week and found what I seek

I remember bits and pieces of a dream that I guess fits the thesis it would seem that I’m still fucked up and though self-inflicted completely shows how sick this disease is… I could scream

Fuck it. Back to counting sheep until I’m sound asleep on thousands a week

Just need a good 40 winks and that dream where I’m so rich that I bought the sphinx but instead I dream about a girl for whom I caught the jinx

That dream needs an abort I think as I’m sure it stinks

But I fall asleep after my Horlicks drinks and then sure enough there is the whore-bitch-minx

But wait let’s stop there. Maybe that’s stupid. Maybe that’s not fair. While I’m maybe lucid let’s see how we got where we are without blaming cupid

It’s hard to analyse this shit fuck situation when you’re in the land of nod

Through the damaged eyes of a mixed up sick creation invented by that wanker God

And I have all sorts of foes talking shit about what they thought they know

Into my business they’ve brought their nose, it gets me down but I’ve fought these lows

But before you fuck with me know that nobody ever surely knows

So grab a cuppa tea and oreos and I’ll tell you how the story goes

There was no start so it’s kinda hard when tryin’ to write

There was no spark that ignited the stick of dynamite

I’m often tryin’ to find the right time at night to write the right rhymes it’s like A tiny point of light in the not so bright night sky and it’s quite a plight

As I sigh at night almost enjoying moments on the brink of solace

But not content as days get shorter when close to the winter solstice

And just like always there’s only two I do this for but since it’s obvious

I’ll say the closest to the truth for you is all in this intersomnious

My mind’s a camera that takes prints so let me make you a painted picture lovely

I look at you and see me – we’re linked like the fate of a saint to scripture should be

Ever since I made my escape from Dudley

You were always there and I remember how great you could be

The only person who ever understood me and I miss you muchly

“How much do I love thee?” I could never count the ways

It will never change through a lifetime’s amount of days

Worth every ounce of pain and no amount of rain

Could ever douse the flame

And now I’m shamed at how I acted and it hurts – I dwell

On the fact that I never heard you yell as you ever further fell

Deeper into the seventh circle of hell

And further still – I’m stuck in hell too

With hell’s bells ringing –I’m fucked up, locked up like you while you’re stuck with that fucking cell view

There’s walls surrounding each side of your bed such is your world in your prison

My fences are found inside of my head ‘till I put these words in this rhythm

I almost see you now, on the verge of a vision as wisdom is lost in a blur while you listen

We write for each other and in the imagery of our painted words

We find we see the symmetry of our tainted worlds

And our art shares a theme

So who are you and me? We’re “two stars in a scene”

Between us we’ve been to Venus and Mars in our dreams

But now that’s how far apart we are it would seem, no longer are we part of a team

And maybe you’ll always remember me like I’ll always remember you

I hear echoes of everything you ever said to me with everything I ever do

And it sticks in my head and plays over like a melody, I guess I never knew

That when you feel pain I have empathy, I guess we’ll never be through

It’s definitely with me ‘till the cemetery maybe when I’m seventy-two

I try to keep my silent lies but inside there’s violent cries as the deafening truth is that I’m missing you – no one else listens to me and though I’m only twenty-four

Fuck the fish in the sea; I don’t care if there’s plenty more

May as well piss in the sea as that’ll defend me more

Cause I asked for love and God just went and sent me war

And course you know once you’ve sparked my thoughts to beware of dark retorts

One minute you create music so sweet in my mind it’s like a harp with chords

But then you cause rage and the music gets loud like when a guitar distorts

It stings when we disagree like a sharp discord

It stings when you attack me and aim at my heart with sword

Hate is a part of love and this I can’t ignore

And the truth…I just can’t handle

What the fuck did I ever start this for?

I’ve always been a moth – you’re the candle and time doesn’t make it easy, who says this?

It’s so tangled, with no way out unlike for a knot in these shoe laces

Feels like I’ve been strangled and had my head shot in at least two places but in my hand I hold a coin that has got these two faces

Let’s begin to spin and see if we see the demon in me – the sinister spinster

Since I’m falling deeper I think ya should run from the fiend that you’ll see you minx or I’ll jinx ya

Feeling tired again now, maybe rest will greet me

I don’t suggest you meet me; you’ve been blessed so flee me

You being a mad head made me a worry brain

And though it’s I that should be blamed for these thoughts whirling like a hurricane

If you wonder “would he change?” know that of me no good became

Where once stood tall an angel now stands a

Fallen stranger hidden deep in each stanza

Read between lines to break through a wall of danger

To solve the riddles; to find an answer

I’ve always tried to have a nice demeanour and always been quite the dreamer

But I’m falling…thinking of you…something’s coming and it’s slightly meaner

It honestly bothers me so promise me you’ll stay away

A rainbow…so pretty…the lightning…I’m dizzy…it all fades to grey

 

Nocturna Suppressio – Nihil Morte Certius

 

Succumb to my words; they’re the drums of death

Pounding a painted picture like the Picasso of percussion with each thunderous breath

 

The darkness of the night sings right through me concealing the white

As the lightning strikes revealing a frightening sight

A knife has sliced right into me – I’m bleeding, the light has sliced the night

I have a growing headache with a

Sense of dread as I look at the flowing red lake and river

I know I’m dead and knowing makes me shake and shiver, certain I’m not alive

But my liver’s hurting and now saliva swells in my mouth

Sounds just won’t come out as I yell and I shout. I feel ever so sick…shit

Light hits me to fuel my pain with a migraine – almost an epileptic fit, I might vomit

My brain’s a bomb- it goes off tearing and splitting

The pain! I can’t bear it, I’m slipping

It’s excruciating and real or am I hallucinating with zeal?

As dawn breaks I try to fall awake

I need to roll to the floor to wake but have no control of my thoughts, fuck’s sake!

I slip all the way to the end of infinite depth, thinking this is the end, thinking of death

I fall to the place in my head where my skull is split right where you are

I see your face. This is it. My ultimate nightmare, FUBAR

This is your last chance; you still have a choice RUN!

Darkness is twisting me. Teeth sharpen, mouth’s spitting poison

Like a wolf with his food I’m engulfed and consumed as I stand before you bleeding and evil as a maniacal menace with no need for a sequel – there’ll be no falling in love- let us just remember I’m a venomous nemesis who just feeds off deceitful, feeble people

With serenity as I accept I’m a demented entity and with thoughts like these I could’ve ran guiltily

Silly me, why run when I am infinity? Fuck your Trinity, chaos is tranquillity

You wondered perhaps why I’m renowned for decadence

As the thunder claps with resounding resonance

This feeling is a Revelation and people haven’t half a clue

A lit fuse sparks dynamite but my anger starts a nuke

They wrote about me in a book that’ll from page one have you start to puke

Partly written by John, Mathew, Mark and Luke

And now you can hardly move as a cold breeze once calm is gettin’

Stronger as for these people harm is spreadin’

Now sounds an alarm of dread as you realise this is Armageddon

But not for you. I can’t let you go so you stay here in this barren wasteland

Locked in the basement of my brain for years tasting my eternal rain and tears, this is Darren’s wasteland

Unfortunately what you meant to me means consequentially

That with whatever you do never will there be an average response you get from me

So now we’re here alone, what do I say to thee? How much do I hate thee?

I fucking despise you and your man greatly

It’s lucky you devised a great plan to escape me

But you went further than I could’ve hoped and I laughed so much I had a hurt spleen but will I thank ya? Nope

Just know that I’m so glad you were caught with thirteen kilograms of coke

Though sometimes I feel choked by anguish which causes this use of emotive language

Feelings hurt with blood still pouring evoking sadness

As my life ticks away here you smoke on your fag bitch laughing while I’m broken and damaged, provoking a mad itch in me to have you soaked in a damn ditch

Never again bitch will a sexy whore upset me more than

You did – it makes me want to let go, come forth and fetch my fork and

Knife and end life like Dexter Morgan might and though resting on these dormant nights I’m destined for a war tonight

And yeah some people are headcases and dangerous, so hard and bananas

Well that’s fantastic baby cause I’m bat-shit-crazy, so far gone in Narnia

And though there’s still karma to harm ya if truth is told I’d shoot you cold

And if magic was true know I’d say “Avada Kedavra” or “Crucio” to you both you stupid ho

All I see in you is an ambiguous actress blurring the facts just

Enough with dark fantasy to be believable to others

And each persona heard from you is a character for people to discover

It’s all verse, prose and words that you’ve studied, who can fathom ya without reading cover to cover?

But you went too far – you went berserk and insane as you tried to live a “worldly” life thinking with no hurt, no gain

But look what the fuck the world did to Kurt Cobain

Running wild with our dark selves always leads to certain pain

And it’s not so sane, if you don’t mind me sayin’, to go from almost no wine to lines of E and cocaine

This isn’t about what I believe or condone and

I’m not having a go at either persona

You just can’t be fucking both. If you show two sides then neither is known and I know which side I trust in most

Is your brain still identical as before those

Changes in chemicals and hormones? Or are your two sides causing pain as it’s inevitable they’re trapped in a war zone?

I know whereas it might go plural, one crime’s only nominal eh?

But you should be studied in a psychoneuroendocrinological way

And so should I right? With hindsight on each new day you see, hear then pray

But something divine might be speaking through me here today

Can’t take all the limelight here though that feels truly weird to say

Since in all ways I lost faith and crossed fate as an all dazed Apostate

I deserved all praise as an apotheosis of evil for not using my excuse of losing love or gaining psychosis on people when I became an all crazed abusive fuck- an insane, sly foe with no equal

But…incredibly your enemy is running out of energy

The poison and venom in me evidently will now be the end of me

Death to me is a remedy; eternal rest will be heavenly

Destiny’s calling as blood’s still desperately pouring

Spraying out of my head and my wrist like symbolic red anger mist

Blood fills the air from open wounds

I’m stood still with despair; broken…doomed

Probably best cause if granted more time with you then I’d hurt ya

Or worse so maybe first you decided to take things further

Can’t remember life before pain. Is this suicide or is this murder?

Doesn’t matter. Destiny’s calling…I’m desperately falling

The grey, icy fog descends trying to chew and swallow me

I see you ascend right on through it and so I follow thee

But it doesn’t matter. Destiny’s calling…

Desperately falling…there’s nothing left

The grey fades to black….such is death…

 

Finis Vitae Sed Non Amoris

 

…But wait. Is this a new day? Have I made it back?

Internal rhyme schemes explode as external night screams

Time stuck with eternal mind dreams but let this be the end of my nocturnal fight please

I remember what I thought was a deadly fall and my head seems sore

Here I lie with bed sheets all tangled as sleep ends on concrete floor

Bruising while I snoozed as I have a few quite bashed ribs

Losing blood as it oozed from two slightly slashed wrists

I laugh as I look over sharp edges that in the sun gleam as light catches

On the bed are broken shards from unseen wine glasses

The cause of blood seeped onto mattress from these fine scratches

Can’t remember what happened on a night that began sober

And ended with blood, nightmares and a hangover

I get up and find a little note; suspenseful and somewhat tense as I creep out of my bedroom

I sit on the sofa with what was written; wrote in pencil was one sentence that I read out and it said “Soon

See you, sorry I left and walked home without saying goodbye but as you slept you talked loads and without sleep I would cry”

And yes finally…now I remember.  So much wine in me…but this is December

Last night glasses clinked with cheers as we were drinking merrily

Fixing fears with no room for thinking heavily

Mixing beers with shots of vodka and other spirits like Hennessey

Then it seems mixing beer with whiskey sends vision from crystal clear to misty

As then it all hits me as I find a girl

That reminds me of her and she will always be with me. The rest of the night is a blur – haunted by all that inflicts me

All we can do is deal with things on a daily and weekly basis

Search for what’s true whilst we heal within putting on brave and cheery faces

I feel at peace as I look out the window feeling as high as the wind does blow

Seeing violet and indigo

I’m grateful for the love I’ve truly seen as I see more colours – blue and green

Feeling a strange inner peace and mellow as orange seems to reach for yellow

Red is not rage it is love that surrounds all colours

Always we’ll look and when you’ve found us love us

The rainbow stands with a grand purpose outside my window dutiful

Once rain has poured nothing can hurt us and everything’s so beautiful

It promises to bring some new stories as life continues before me

So I grab a fountain pen and begin to count to ten before surely

Writing a happily ever after chapter in all its glory

No end in sight but still

I think somehow that I’ve paid the price now and finished hurting

So I guess I’ll write until

The ink runs out and the page bleeds dry; unfinished, uncertain

 

3 Responses to Pandora’s Box: Ab Aeterno, Ad Infinitum

  1. jeido says:

    If this is your work, you should do this for a living. Seriously.

    Like

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