Don’t you worry, impossible for anything to be a big deal
I’m in no weary, my vital post dated but clearly been ages since life had appeal
Far more than fascination, my second nature chant “kill ’cause I can”
This body by my own hands
My friends and family won’t understand
So I stay in the end, don’t make none to me
If wasn’t for them, I’d make that decision on GP
Had to do it all again, I’d make that decision on GP
All the nights I don’t die for you
Wouldn’t believe how many nights I ain’t died for you on GP
Not that I care, I’d be a liar if I sat here claiming I’d exit in a minute
But I can’t say I wouldn’t I have my limits
Therapy in session. It’s been a while.
I’ve been planning on getting back to writing ridiculous ramblings here again. Lacked motivation but I will write about the topics I want to write about soon. I have been spurred to type this since I’m once again struggling with all too familiar demons. And time ever races onwards.
Once again, this goes here so it doesn’t go elsewhere. This is my bit of internet. Nobody could ever say this is harassment or anything. I just need to process what the hell is in my head again so I can sleep. And I need to be honest with myself.
Seventeen years is a long ass time to be plagued by the same delusions regarding another soul on this Earth. Far too long. It isn’t normal and I’m quite sure I need counselling really. Everybody else in the world can move on and live in the present. My loyalty has mutated into something unhealthy for me. I’m mature enough now to take so much more responsibility for my own failings. I have failed dreadfully. And being unwilling to ever fully admit defeat is the biggest failure of all.
There is still some anger at how I’m only useful occasionally and once I’m used I’m discarded. But I’m an idiot and allow this to happen. I give out cash thinking it brings me some good karma or something. Yet the Universe laughs at my stupidity again. I frustrate myself by doing what I know to be a dumbass thing multiple times.
But screw it. I know the real soul behind those eyes. And I truly believe there is way more darkness than light there. Let’s talk about my love. Can you really say you love somebody that you don’t even like? I feel nothing but dread every time I see this person and whenever we speak I just want the conversation over so she can get out of my line of sight. I guess love is complicated but I don’t think it’s that messy normally. I have some strange nostalgia for the past is all. I miss the connection. It was once love. We poured our souls out to each other for a decade or so. It’s difficult to find that connection again. I’m scared to lose it as I think it’s such a waste. But the alternative is neverending pain every time I see those happy/vulnerable/innocent/mischievous facial expressions on a Snapchat story and I reminisce about all you ever meant to me.
Love eh? Two sides to it. You want them to be happy and yet you want to be happy yourself too. If they find love with someone else then they can be happy and that should be what you want to happen. So it should be like half way there. I should be happy you’re happy. And then there is only my happiness to consider and that is selfish of me. And here’s the mad truth of it all. You could never make me happy. Never in a billion Universes would it ever be possible. And also I don’t want you to be happy. I could never make you happy and would never want to. I don’t think you deserve it. But I’ve seen all this before. There will be no happy ending. There’s only so long your peace will last before you find solace in your usual chaos. So what does this all mean? It’s just pure shitty emotions. Self-hatred and hatred for my past and my demons. It only hurts me more to see you smile and feel nothing but resentment.
I wish I could be normal and maybe one day I can be. Every day this all fades a little more. Twelve years ago it was all unbearable. Time and distance has doused the flame. And now it’s more just sadness for myself and my own shit life. I wish there was a reset button. I wish I could talk to my past self and make myself listen to reason. I fully blame myself for how things turned out and for how I am today. That is progress. I see my errors and wish to change and do better. I have to as time is slipping away and I’m wasting everything.
There’s not much else to say. No point in even saying what I have said other than to maybe help. The writing has always helped. Even now it’s like I’m writing for you a bit. And that there is my madness. Loyalty has massive negatives. You have to be able to break from that which no longer serves you. I am mostly severed. Just got to see it through until you no longer have anywhere to hide in this labyrinth of a mind.
dazz22 